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Husband left after baby was born

(62 Posts)
Confused4567 Thu 13-Feb-20 22:32:10

I came here looking for some advice, am sorry if the story is long, but here goes...
I noticed during my pregnancy my husband had become very distant. He came to bed late, stopped answering my calls and barely replied to texts while we were at work.
3 weeks after our baby was born after a csection (this is our 3rd) he left to go to the gym, I was still in pain and was very upset, when he came back I asked him what was wrong, why he was treating me the way he was and if he was having an affair as 10 months previous to this and for the 14 years we had been the perfect couple and he was the most caring, loving husband/father you could imagine. He finally told me he was in serious debt, had been for 5 years and was due to living above his means/gambling near the end to try and win the amount lost back.
I was shocked, we both work full time and I couldn’t see how.
He then told me he felt trapped and walked out to stay at his dads.
Within a couple of weeks he got a new house, never gave me a penny, he even backed away from the kids, resulting in a once a week text to our eldest.
After a month he said he wanted to try again, I was happy to get our family back, but he seemed so distant during the conversation after, later that day he told me he had started a relationship with a work colleague but it wasn’t serious, I told him to stay with her and I was totally disgusted in him.
Anyway, long story short, after a month and a half of no contact, he finally says he wants back again, he has left the other woman and he is very sorry and depressed over his actions. It has since transpired that he was seeing her before he got me pregnant, was texting her Christmas Day and even the night our daughter was born, it was a emotional affair (which she confirmed) until he left.
She has since wrote to me trying to get me to ask details as she wanted to send the texts between them to me but I have block her now as she is “heartbroken” he left.
My question is this, for the last 4 months since he has been making an effort (still separate houses) would you take back? During that terrible time, he was truly a stranger to me, I didn’t recognise the man I have been with for 14 years. He is doing every thing right and has gone to the doctors, stating the debt had started the depression then the affair was a distraction to the debt. Am at a loss of what to do, am so hurt and angry over everything and feel like he has destroyed everybody’s happy life.

category12 Thu 13-Feb-20 22:41:07

How could you ever trust him again?

Personally I would choose peace of mind over a relationship with an untrustworthy guy, having tried the latter.

Hotseat Thu 13-Feb-20 22:44:45

I am sorry you are having to deal with this. I cannot offer advise as this is only something you can decide. Just consider what is best long term for you and your dc. Can you ever see yourself recovering from this? Is it worth saving a previous 14yr good relationship? He lived a lie for a long time, it is now in the open. He has an addiction and addicts lie. I wish you all the best with your decision.

Aquamarine1029 Thu 13-Feb-20 22:48:31

I would sooner eat glass before I allowed him back into my life. What he has done, the way he's treated you, and all the lies he's told are unforgivable. You can never trust him again.

Confused4567 Thu 13-Feb-20 23:07:09

I know what your saying in regards to never trusting again and I think that’s why I keep making excuses for his cruel behaviour during the affair.
The reason why I started this tread, is because am due to see my Solictor tomorrow to start the divorce proceedings, am just so torn.
I can’t forget how he told me he hadn’t loved me for 5 years and promised the OW he would back off from me even though I was carrying his child, he completely neglected me during that time when I needed him most and rewrote history to me and her. He has since said he never meant those things and blames his shitty behaviour to me on his guilt of leaving and trying to find fault. He’s at my house every evening after work to see the baby and oldest two as the house he choose with OW is too far to travel to and from, so he has the best of both worlds I feel, he comes here, gets his dinner then goes home to a peaceful nights sleep. I just feel very overwhelmed with it all, I have a chance to “fix” this for the kids sake but I just don’t know if i will be unhappy forever or if he will cheat again.

EKGEMS Thu 13-Feb-20 23:08:50

What in your background makes you feel that you are not worthy of love,respect and fidelity in your relationships? How could you possibly want this side winder back in your life? Show your children strength through adversity and boot his ass out and get a shit hot lawyer and nail his ass

Confused4567 Thu 13-Feb-20 23:10:39

Plus I should also add that in the short time when he left, I cancelled the family holiday as I thought I couldn’t afford it. He then went away to Spain for a long weekend (paid by her) and turned down the weekend he was meant to see our ds 9 after not being in contact for 6 weeks.

KellyHall Thu 13-Feb-20 23:11:22

Absolutely no way would I let someone back in to my family who had treated myself or my children with such disrespect and contempt.

No, no, no, no, no.

Stand up for yourself and your children, tell him to fuck right off and stay gone.

Lucked Thu 13-Feb-20 23:12:28

Never mind how he treated you but to be able to turn his back on his children like he did? it would not be possible for me to respect him or love that poor excuse for a father.

billy1966 Thu 13-Feb-20 23:17:26

Eating glass definitely sounds more appealing @Aquamarine1029.

OP, what an absolute prick.

Go ahead with your divorce plans.

You will never truly trust him again.

What a looser.

You poor, poor woman.

You deserve so much better than him.

Move onflowers

Confused4567 Thu 13-Feb-20 23:19:32

I am torn as the husband I know is back, he’s attentive, caring and doing the best he can. I just don’t know if am throwing away a previous happy family before the affair for nothing. But I feel I should be tougher than I am, I know he did wrong but I don’t want pride ruin what might be a happy family again.
My baby is so little, the thought of having to share days and not seeing her is breaking my heart and swaying me to just fix things.

TooOldForThis67 Thu 13-Feb-20 23:20:02

Cancel the solicitors or at least use the appointment to get your 'ducks in a row'. Sounds like you need more time to process all this hurt. People do survive affairs but trust has to be learnt and forgiveness given. How on earth can he afford to live elsewhere if he's in debt? I'd get him back under the same roof but separate beds while you work on all this. Good luck OP.

Singlenotsingle Thu 13-Feb-20 23:24:31

I would say don't make any hasty decisions. Give it time, see how it goes. He'll have to earn and justify getting you back if it ever happens.

TheHagOnTheHill Thu 13-Feb-20 23:24:43

Stop giving him dinner!
You need to make contact more formal so that you have your own space too and sort out child maintenance.
You know you can't trust him and stop making excuses for him.See the solicitor and make sure non if the debt is in your name(a good credit check will show every credit card,loan you have had).Also be wary about his gambling,it is hard to just stop.
Also you can fix this and you will tie yourself in knots trying.At least if you divorce you can give the best of yourself to your children with a stable home and your soon to be ex may stop messing them and you about if he gets a definate no to getting back together.

12345kbm Thu 13-Feb-20 23:26:41

OP you'll be back here in 6 months asking the same questions. You're living in a fantasy land.

In your head he's a perfect father and husband, devoted and he loves you and his child.

In reality he's a liar and a cheat and has disrespected you in every way. It didn't work out with the OW and he came back to you. He showed no interest in his children when he moved out.

I would see your solicitor tomorrow and start divorce proceedings. He's had years to prove himself and he's betrayed you all.

TheHagOnTheHill Thu 13-Feb-20 23:27:19

Sorry can't fi it.

SandyY2K Thu 13-Feb-20 23:27:55

he told me he hadn’t loved me for 5 years and promised the OW he would back off from me even though I was carrying his child

I wouldn't care if he now says he didn't mean it. He's untrustworthy and left you during a very vulnerable time.

the house he choose with OW is too far to travel to

Really? He cheats on you, leaves you and the kids and it's all about his commute. How selfish of him.

He then went away to Spain for a long weekend (paid by her) and turned down the weekend he was meant to see our ds 9 after not being in contact for 6 weeks.

That tells you where his priorities lie.

There's not a cat in hells chance I would take him back.

This is your life, but I would only seek to maintain a civil co-parent relationship in the best interests of your DC.

Krazynights34 Thu 13-Feb-20 23:33:01

Like Aquamarine says... just why?
He’s a nasty, cruel bastard.

Confused4567 Thu 13-Feb-20 23:33:01

He managed to rent a house due to families help and he is on a very good wage.
He started an IVA, but was then told though citizens advice it would be better to go bankrupt, which he is in the process of doing, he has to pay quite a lot to me as I went though child maintenance, but that and the rent are now the only biggest outgoings he has.
I just want to make sure I am doing the best for my children, they have been though so much, and I know my eldest will just cut ties all together if we do every other weekend as she is very hurt understandably, but I feel like that is not healthy either, there is love there for her father but zero trust.

strawberry2017 Thu 13-Feb-20 23:34:54

I don't think I could ever forgive that. I think you are better off without him.
I'm so sorry OP

Confused4567 Thu 13-Feb-20 23:41:15

I know where you are all coming from, I would be saying the same if I was giving advice.
It’s just very hard saying goodbye to my marriage and my hormones are still all other the place after my baby.
I will still get the divorce going as I believe that our marriage has been a sham for over a year now, I need to be in control of that.
I am just worried that he will end up being a crap dad again if he leaves, he was and is now always been a great father, fillings their weekends with activities and always being there when they needed him and very caring.
That’s why I don’t know if it was his mental health at the time as it was so out of character.
Thank you all for replying

madcatladyforever Thu 13-Feb-20 23:42:56

He sounds like my ex, wants to come back when things aren't going well for him.
Lies.
Gets into debt without telling you.
Is shady and doesn't communicate.
I'd leave him, he doesn't care about the kids, didn't pay for them, doesn't care that they didn't have a family holiday and I think it is highly unlikely that he will want to see the kids regualrly.
Time to make a fresh start and not fall for his shit. You and the kids will be much happier.

blue25 Thu 13-Feb-20 23:47:33

No. You deserve far better than this.

Any man who treats you that way when you’re pregnant with his child is despicable in my view. It will happen again. You know it will. Please respect yourself and start a new life for you and your children.

Loli2 Thu 13-Feb-20 23:53:02

It not that your "caring husband is back"

Your caring husband and dickhead husband are the same person

Did it once, will do it again

HollysNan Thu 13-Feb-20 23:53:25

Sadly my advice as a woman who wasted almost 20 years on a very clever and charming cheating husband, is to stand strong, stand alone, gather all your strength and get legal advice tomorrow even if you dont start divorce proceedings yet , your heart may be broken now but if you take him back it will end up shattered , I hope you have people around you who are able to suppport you please look after yourself I'm so sorry your in this awfull position

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