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Resisting the temptation of another man. Long term monogamy is overrated?

(98 Posts)
Tempt8tion Thu 13-Feb-20 20:25:15

I know, I know. It’s always a bad idea to have an affair. I have been on the receiving end of infidelity and I know it can totally ruin you. Not to mention DC. So why is my desire to feel wanted and to experience excitement so strong? Long term monogamy really doesn’t make sense does it?!

How can I channel this yearning into something that is not going to wreck my family life?

Does some harmless and very light flirting help? I hardly have any contact with other males and sometime I think if I could just chat purely platonically with other men it would help. I’m just rather bored with DH sad

AnyFucker Thu 13-Feb-20 20:28:14

Then set your DH free and go "harmlessly flirt" with as many men as you like

Good luck with that though. It's a jungle out there.

BecauseReasons Thu 13-Feb-20 20:28:15

I think talk to your DH and let him know you're feeling, as you put it, bored. Give the marriage a chance first. If that doesn't fix things, you may need to end it. Respect your DH enough to be honest, don't be a coward.

Hopoindown31 Thu 13-Feb-20 20:34:40

What are you doing to make your marriage more interesting? If the answer to that question is "nothing", then perhaps start there.

Tempt8tion Thu 13-Feb-20 20:35:00

AnyFucker I can imaging it’s a jungle out there* and probably don’t realise how good I’ve got it. I feel guilty I don’t appreciate DH more as he’s a good man.

It’s just hard to not take things for granted, how do I appreciate what we do have rather than what we don’t?

BecauseReasons Thu 13-Feb-20 20:36:39

Any chance you're having a midlife crisis?

Tempt8tion Thu 13-Feb-20 20:37:07

Hop I do feel like I have made quite a lot of effort in the last year or so but it doesn’t seem to have helped. What do other people do to keep their marriage interesting? (Not bedroom related)

Tempt8tion Thu 13-Feb-20 20:37:40

Any chance you're having a midlife crisis?


BecauseReasons Thu 13-Feb-20 20:39:20

shrumps Thu 13-Feb-20 20:41:34

Sort your marriage out - reassess what you’ve got and remind yourself what you love about him. Put some effort in, talk properly and spend time together. A short term fling is never, ever worth it.

Tempt8tion Thu 13-Feb-20 20:45:24

The stupidest thing is there isn’t actually another man around anywhere, unless you count someone I can’t stop thinking about who lives 80 miles away and who I haven’t seen or spoken to in 15 years. I’ve turned him into a completely unrealistic fantasy and having real trouble getting real.

I am not a stupid or reckless person so I am baffled as to why this fantasy and my desire for excitement has got so strong.

Thanks for the midlife crisis link, I’m going to do some work on that.

AtrociousCircumstance Thu 13-Feb-20 20:49:16

How old are you?

Tempt8tion Thu 13-Feb-20 20:50:52

Early 40s

TheCatsWhisker Thu 13-Feb-20 20:51:32

How would you feel if your DH posted your post?

(Genuine question)

EvenMoreFuriousVexation Thu 13-Feb-20 20:54:24

Have you thought about whether poly set up would work for you? A read of The Ethical Slut might help.

Tempt8tion Thu 13-Feb-20 20:58:31


I wouldn’t be in the slightest bit surprised. To an extent he feels similar. We have spoken about this and almost both feel as confused as each other about whether this is what marriage is like for everyone or if we’re doing something wrong, or if we are just wrong for each other and should call it quits. We like being a family unit though. confused

Craftycorvid Thu 13-Feb-20 20:58:54

Long-term monogamy is bloody hard work and probably unnatural. But the alternatives can be equally bloody hard work! Is there anything you can identify that has changed/seems to be missing in your relationship? Are you feeling restless because of the past or what you feel the future might hold? Odd question maybe, but regrets at what we feel we’ve missed out on can hit us mid-life. Also we may be fearing heading into middle age and what we think that represents. There may be many creative ways to get through this, and talking openly to your DP might be a start. You could begin by saying what you’d like a bit more of.

PermanentTemporary Thu 13-Feb-20 20:59:41

Long term monogamy is hard, I think. But I remember reading maureen freely i think talking about the 'sudden transcendence' that can happen in long term relationships.

My husband is dead now and I've just finished a year of having the most random sex with the most motley collection of men (individually very nice, dont meant be disrespectful). I have to be honest and say I am glad to my core that I was completely faithful to him throughout our marriage. I also wish so very much that I had done some of the sexual stuff I've done over the past year with him. I wish we'd shared more fantasies, gone to an adult club or a sex party, tried bdsm and more toys, together.

Tempt8tion Thu 13-Feb-20 20:59:42


I’d love to think that could be a goer, I just don’t understand how it works in practice - eg what if someone sees you with OM or OW?

Tempt8tion Thu 13-Feb-20 21:03:02

Definitely feel like I’ve missed out on things, eg exciting sex. DH never been very adventurous. Feel awkward about raising this/suggesting anything at this stage in the relationship, but maybe I should.

ffsjudy Thu 13-Feb-20 21:16:28

OP, I know exactly how you feel. I really love my husband and he's my favourite person but I often find myself craving something else, something new.

I think a lot of it is about still feeling attractive and desirable as well as things getting a bit dull with a long term partner.

My one attempt at actually acting on it went disastrously wrong, people got hurt and I felt fucking shit.

I try to remind myself how lucky I am to have a brilliant man who loves me and how miserable it actually was being single but still I yearn for something exciting to happen.

Fuck knows what the answer is, I just try to appreciate every day what I have and what I risk losing.

I'm sure lots of people feel the same, I don't think it makes us bad people.

I do think monogamy is much harder than lots of people will accept/admit and not right for everyone. I find it a huge pressure.

category12 Thu 13-Feb-20 21:29:12

what if someone sees you with OM or OW?

What would it matter? The point of ethical non-monogamy is that you agree on it as a couple. So who is it going to bother? Presumably you'd behave sensibly in public. If you want to shag the other person more publicly, you'd probably be better going for the swinging scene. grin

Friendsofmine Thu 13-Feb-20 21:34:07

Of course it is hard. Being a good person isn't always easy either.

Go and look at your children in the face and tell them you love them more than your desire to be wanted. Ask yourself how you can you look yourself in the eye if you do the dirty on them just to get back at your husband for not meeting your needs.

Then tell your husband you need help because you are asking the internet if it is OK to cheat. Then work together as a team to make a plan!

If you have already checked out just grow a pair and leave him.

Best of luck to you.

Tempt8tion Thu 13-Feb-20 21:34:22

Thanks @ffsjudy. Sorry you are in the same boat, but it’s reassuring. Does you DH have any idea how you feel? How long have you felt like this?

Tempt8tion Thu 13-Feb-20 21:39:11

Wow Friend! Harsh! But true, and much respect to you for saying it like it is, because I genuinely agree with your sentiment. I just also genuinely feel like I’m fighting against a very powerful instinct, and that can be quite damaging to one’s wellbeing (not quite the same, but see Phillip Schofield).

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