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Is it not really possible to remain sahm to school age children and dh have any respect for you?

(453 Posts)
Zorona Tue 11-Feb-20 10:19:08

Have other people managed this? I feel really down recently dh I am not sure if he likes me much any more. I think that he resents me being at home when he is at work. I get little comments from him here and there. Sure I could look into going back to work but the upheaval for the family and for my children I think it is better I am at home 😔 my pay would likely be so low that it’s not worth the upheaval. Is the answer to go back to work even if the pay is low so everything feels more equal?

squizzles Tue 11-Feb-20 10:21:23

What are his working hours?

What hours could you do?

squizzles Tue 11-Feb-20 10:22:08

What would you work in?

AnneLovesGilbert Tue 11-Feb-20 10:22:38

Having a SAH parent has to be with the agreement of both parents. Maybe he doesn’t to carry the entire financial burden anymore. That’s not a good reason if you feel he’s being unkind to you but your children are at school, he might feel resentful of being your sole earner and a lot of people would feel the same. Did you work before having children?

BlingLoving Tue 11-Feb-20 10:23:05

Well, personally I think SAHM parents should enjoy the bit of time they get while kids are at school finally after years of chaos and to compensate them for being 100% on when kids are sick, need driving around, have holidays etc.

I DO think that if the kids are at school the SAHP probably needs to ensure that a higher percentage of domestic chores etc are completed. Eg if you shared some of the cleaning/laundry on weekends, there's no reason why that can't be done entirely by you when DC are at school so that the whole family benefits. But I don't really understand the attitude that a SAHP suddenly needs to leap into work after years of being away when a) there are still needs for the family at home and b) the SAHP is unlikely to find work that is convenient and/or sufficiently well paid.

Zorona Tue 11-Feb-20 10:23:34

He is out house at 7.30 and back between 5 and 6. I could work school hours. Or longer if I used breakfast clubs etc, but my youngest is very anxious and just prioritising getting to school is important so not sure how he would take a breakfast club.

JacquesHammer Tue 11-Feb-20 10:24:32

Being a SAHM must be at the agreement of both parties.

However YANBU for expecting him to behave like a reasonable adult and discuss it with you, rather then expecting you to guess his feelings from snide put-downs.

user1480880826 Tue 11-Feb-20 10:25:42

What on earth do you do all day? There’s no way housework takes 9am-3pm every day. I’m not surprised your husband is annoyed. You are chilling out at home while he goes to work. It’s not fair at all.

You might not immediately earn loads if you go back to work but everyone has to start somewhere.

BlingLoving Tue 11-Feb-20 10:26:19

@zorona - this is what annoys me about the whole, "now the kids are at school you should go back to work" mindset. There are limited number of school hours only jobs. And they tend to be badly paid. So the family gets a small additional income but masses of additional stress. Oh, and usually the SAHP is the one who has the extra stress because in my experience, the working full time parent assumes that domestic chores, children management, school runs etc are still the responsibility of the other parent.

And before anyone thinks I'm a SAHP who's trying to "justify" my existence, I should mention that I am the working parent and DH is the SAHP. He has picked up some work, but I keep telling him that having some down time is important and I have no problem with it. Not least because if he's rested and relaxed he's far more likely to be relaxed with the kids and also far more likely to have no issue with me taking some time on weekends or whatever.

bluebell34567 Tue 11-Feb-20 10:26:20

some children are more needy than others.

GrumpyHoonMain Tue 11-Feb-20 10:26:26

The only answer to this is to offer to go back full time but on the condition he pays for childcare and a cleaner. If he wants you to work then he has to enable it

Gutterton Tue 11-Feb-20 10:27:40

You need to talk to your DH. Is money an issue? What are your values and priorities as a team?

Could you work a couple of evening shifts during the week and/or a Saturday?

Zorona Tue 11-Feb-20 10:27:45

Blingloving that is largely my thinking. I take care of all laundry, cooking, tidying, after school activities, he never has to take time off when kids off school. The only jobs he does are occasional pack the dishwasher and diy. I am happy with this situation in that I don’t mind found all these things and I really appreciate being at home.

Zorona Tue 11-Feb-20 10:28:47

His salary is enough. I don’t need to work for this reason

Didiusfalco Tue 11-Feb-20 10:29:46

My dh, who is lovely, started making odd comments about me being at home as our youngest approached school age. I suspect like you, I had lost some confidence and wasn’t sure how the dc would cope with school clubs and how everything would get done. It’s been absolutely fine, the kids have been perfectly okay and I feel more purposeful and it’s nice earning some money. I don’t earn loads but because they are at school it’s still worth it. I feel things are more balanced with dh, even though he earns a lot more than me because I have my own challenges outside of the house.

BlingLoving Tue 11-Feb-20 10:30:18

I do agree with PP that you need to discuss it with him. it's entirely possible he's not actually thinking through the practicalities. So he might not be thinking about what you are doing that yo'd have to stop doing (and he'd have to pick up on slack such as domestic/chidcare related chores). ditto he might not be considering potential pay.

If, for example, he's really tired of being the main breadwinner and wants to cut back, earn less and work less and would like to share the domestic/childcare stuff with you accordingly, then of course, that's a conversation you need to have and his desires are valid. But if he just wants you to contribute more financially while still doing everything else, then there's a different conversation to be had.

Thebookswereherfriends Tue 11-Feb-20 10:30:22

Agree, you need to sit down and discuss it properly. Make sure you point out to him that if you go back to work then he will be expected to chip in on those days with school run or taking time off when your children are ill. I live in a small village, there are not many school hours jobs in the area and my partner is often many miles away on jobs, so would not be able to to school runs or rush back if our child was taken ill. While our child is primary aged it simply doesn’t make a lot of sense for me to work much (I have a few hours each week in the village).

Zorona Tue 11-Feb-20 10:31:29

Thank you didiusfalco. Do your children manage with school holiday clubs? This is the thing I am concerned about most.

squizzles Tue 11-Feb-20 10:31:50

If he wants you to work then he has to enable it

Absolutely!

Will your DH support you on to a course or maybe even an apprenticeship to improve your prospects if you're worried about low pay?

JacquesHammer Tue 11-Feb-20 10:33:54

If both parties are working then that has to be both parties are equally responsible for household chores, childcare etc.

It doesn't mean that you both work and then you do all the additional you're currently doing.

He will be expected to assist with school runs, take time off for sick children. The sourcing of childcare will be equally his responsibility - not just yours. Laundry, housework etc etc will all be a joint effort.

Mrskeats Tue 11-Feb-20 10:33:55

I think being at home when kids are in school is a very odd choice.
What about when they are older? It will be really difficult to get back into the workplace then.
Why are people saying only school hours are possible? What about childminders etc?
Also you are thowing away your tax allowance.

TheNavigator Tue 11-Feb-20 10:34:00

Zorona it should not be about your husband respecting you, but you thinking long term about your future plans. You may not be able to fit in much in the way of work now, to contribute financially, but you could be laying the foundations for when the children are older. By this I mean part time/temporary/freelance or voluntary work, either to retain your skills in the area you worked in pre children or to retrain in a new field. It is a huge mistake to spend years and years out of the workplace, especially if your DH is not happy, as you could be very vulnerable and/or unfulfilled further down the line.

HitItAsHardAsYouCan Tue 11-Feb-20 10:34:58

Maybe DH is fed up of carrying the financial burden alone.
I don’t think you need to earn a huge amount of money - just be seen to be contributing.
And yes, before everyone jumps on, I realise the Op is ’contributing’ with regards to DCs, housework etc 🙄

Zorona Tue 11-Feb-20 10:35:20

I am scared to pay for any courses in case I fail at prospective job and it will be a waste of money.

Headfull Tue 11-Feb-20 10:35:27

I think you need to have a good chat with your DH and discuss how you both feel. If he is resenting you not earning/ feeling like it’s in his shoulders, discuss what work is there available for you to do, if you do get a job what the impact on the family is (childcare unless only school hours - is the kind of care available suitable for the dcs, more work for him at home after work if you aren’t there in the day to do it from bins/laundry/food shopping and cooking etc, school runs, helping with homework, will he do his share of this? And not just doing it but also organising it so you don’t carry all of the mental load?) would the payoff of what you can do with additional money you can earn be worth it? I think as time goes on there has to be some give and take and the relationship and expectations evolve. He shouldn’t be making little comments, the two of you need open conversations. He may well feel stressed and under pressure being the only earner in the family, or perhaps he may want more time with the kids. Many friends have v different setups. One couple I know both work 4 day weeks, they are off on different days so they both get a bit of extra time with the kids as actually that is what he was missing (and the kids do clubs on other days). Others have to both work full time, or part time kids in clubs, others have one Sahp. I think what I’m trying to say is there is no ‘right’ answer but if you aren’t talking about it then you aren’t going to know how he feels also. And perhaps he’ll also realise he appreciates what you are doing now and won’t want it to change, or perhaps not. Talk!

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