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Valentine’s Day when your marriage is dead

(77 Posts)
Newnameforthis11 Mon 10-Feb-20 17:38:43

...and your husband is pretending it’s not. How do you deal with it? He’ll buy some flowers or something and it’ll make me feel weird and uncomfortable, then he’ll tell me how ungrateful I am.
How does everyone else in a dying relationship cope?

Ohnoherewego62 Mon 10-Feb-20 18:18:39

What's happened that you feel this way?

LemonTT Mon 10-Feb-20 18:23:10

How many valentines days has this been going on for? If more than one then the question would be why are you still with him.

Sharkyfan Mon 10-Feb-20 20:18:14

Ugh I don’t know Op but I’m dreading it too.
He asked about going out for dinner but the truth is I don’t want to. Whenever we do there’s literally no conversation unless I make it. We’re that cliched couple sitting there in silence unless I make small talk.
I need to have a conversation with him about how I’m not happy but am finding it so hard to find the ‘right time’ and broach it.

Newnameforthis11 Mon 10-Feb-20 20:39:15

sharky yes it’s so awkward and horrible isn’t it, I just don’t know how to deal with it all. He knows how I feel but won’t accept it.

Babynumber2dueNov Mon 10-Feb-20 20:40:42

I’m also in that place right now. He’s really messed up the last two weeks. No cheating but the trust is completely gone. Now he’s been out (instead of coming home to help with the DC) to get me ‘something special’ for valentine’s, when we’ve not done gifts for maybe 4 years? Then gaslighted when I’ve questioned why now? ‘We always do gifts!’ No we don’t!! You can’t just rewrite history! There was love, always love, not gifts as we just couldn’t afford them. I’m so broken right now, building the energy for yet another ‘I’m so unhappy’ chat. Fuck Valentines.

TattieSconeRoll Mon 10-Feb-20 20:42:22

Same here. We don't usually go big on valentines anyway so hopefully I can get away with not mentioning it and pretending it's just another day! Watch this be the first year he makes an effort hmm

Newnameforthis11 Mon 10-Feb-20 20:58:03

Same for me baby he’s messed up so many times the trust is gone completely along with the love. Good luck with your chat I hope you manage to build the strength to have it.
tattie I really hope you can let the day pass without him marking it.

dementedma Mon 10-Feb-20 20:59:57

Yup. A Valentine’s Day card when the romance went a long time ago. What the hell is the point?

Newnameforthis11 Mon 10-Feb-20 21:07:39

How do you all deal with it? Do you just say thanks and that’s the end of it?
Valentine’s Day last year came just after some pretty big revelations. I was genuinely shocked he felt it appropriate to by a card and gift and didn’t know what to say which made him quite angry. Absolutely dreading Friday.

TattieSconeRoll Mon 10-Feb-20 21:20:25

I would just say thank you newname, as sincerely as I could manage. He'll just take the moral high ground if you end up in an argument and if he's anything like my DH he'll just think you're irrational for arguing over him buying you flowers.

DowntonCrabby Mon 10-Feb-20 21:24:10

What’s stopping you serving him Valentine’s Day divorce papers leaving him?

edwinbear Mon 10-Feb-20 22:11:10

We just ignore it and pretend it’s not happening grin. No reference will be made of it on Friday.

Jadetreesbringluck Mon 10-Feb-20 22:29:46

If it makes you feel any in the same boat. Except its also our wedding anniversary 😣

Tealady13579 Mon 10-Feb-20 22:36:54

Just do nothing on Valentines Day. We don’t and haven’t for years. None of my friends do either. Load of bollocks

wizzywig Mon 10-Feb-20 22:40:11

We just pretend not to notice. You know like when you are on a train and a celebrity is on the same carriage

catsareme14 Mon 10-Feb-20 22:41:33

On our penultimate Valentines Day my ex got me a pack of microfiber cloths & a roll of lavender scented bin liners . On our last Valentines Day he got me a card & left it on his desk unwritten . So glad he's the ex !

YogaLite Mon 10-Feb-20 22:41:57

I agree @Tealady13579, all commercial tripe.
Sure, when u are all freshly loved up it's nice, but after a while it's a non-event (here anyway).

Justmuddlingalong Mon 10-Feb-20 22:42:16

Why do you stay with him? Surely you either decide and try to salvage the relationship or you end it.

jaminia Mon 10-Feb-20 22:49:31

I'm planning to spend it with my child and we will go to a mall and have fun.Valentines is all abou love. It should alwas be celebrated.

Bearski77 Tue 11-Feb-20 13:01:10

I'm absolutely dreading it. In fact, for the past few years I've stood in shops looking at all the cards, unable to find something I'd actually feel like saying, and ended up just giving him a very 'neutral' card because I have to give him something. We've recently had talks, he knows I'm unhappy, we've been to counselling, but he says he'll be getting me a card and flowers 'whether I like it or not.' He mentioned last week that he's off work on Thursday and Friday, and I'm hoping that he's off to a couple of concerts (he writes things down in his book, so I know they're on those dates, just not sure if he has tickets)
But I really hope he is going, I'll be so relieved.
Or maybe this could be the opportunity to bring things to a head. Looks like a few of us are in the same position x

baubled Tue 11-Feb-20 14:23:50

Currently looking for a card that says "Happy Valentines Day" without the additional "I love you do much" "to my amazing oh" etc

Nogoodwithgoodbyes Tue 11-Feb-20 14:30:55

I hear you. My marriage has ended and this Valentine's Day feels more 'real' than last year's one and makes me feel less sad. Last year, we were pretending, this year we're accepting reality!

peekaboob Tue 11-Feb-20 14:39:26

What about a card like this?

peekaboob Tue 11-Feb-20 14:41:12

@baubled that card was for you grin Inside reads "you taught me that".
I got mine for DP from Love Layla. There's some good non-mushy ones there.

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