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Over 30s who have never had a relationship, let's chat!

(41 Posts)
Foreverquestioning Mon 10-Feb-20 00:19:30

Hello everyone! Self-explanatory title! I'm a 30 year old who has never had a relationship, and I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that it may never happen, so I want to hear from others in the same boat!

Some of the questions I'm interested in are..
Why do you think you've ended up in this position? Is it by choice?
How do you feel about it? Have you accepted it and truly stopped looking for love?
Or are you still hopeful?
What are the positives to this lifestyle that you've found?
Do you think you can be truly happy if you never get the chance to experience a relationship?
Do you think that admitting to a date that you've never been in a relationship is such a huge red flag that they probably will run for the hills afterwards?

Let's have a chat!

OP’s posts: |
Foreverquestioning Thu 04-Jun-20 21:50:29

Hopefully bumping this!

OP’s posts: |
WellThisWentWell Tue 22-Sep-20 12:43:14

Since this is an old thread, are you still around?

Foreverquestioning Tue 22-Sep-20 14:04:11

Yes I'm still around! I'm also sad that my post never gained any traction! 😔

OP’s posts: |
StarryUnicorn Tue 22-Sep-20 14:49:52

You got no replies as you're asking really personal questions without putting a thing of yourself into the post, and this isn't the only thread on this topic recently with that vibe.

Foreverquestioning Tue 22-Sep-20 15:32:15

That does make sense, the questions are really personal. I guess I didn't want to pour my heart out, only for the post to disappear into the ether with no engagement. I think I was trying to guage the level of response I would get beforehand. I clearly did it all backwards.
I will search the board for the similar posts.

OP’s posts: |
princessconsulabananahammock Tue 22-Sep-20 19:19:10

I’m in my 40s and never been in a relationship. Never made it past 1st date. I suppose it’s cos I was so overweight. To be honest my gut tells me I’m never going to be in a relationship and I’m still trying to make my peace with it. It’s very hard. I do feel so lonely but I don’t have the strength to carry carry on. I’ve got emotionally involved with men but they always see me as a friend. Always.

WellThisWentWell Tue 22-Sep-20 19:34:11

Hey, op!

I actually found your thread by searching ”never dated”.....

Sorry you didn’t get answers, but cool that you’re still here!

I was gonna write something, but princessconsulabananahammock really said it all.
Although i’m in my 30’s and don’t even have male friends.

princessconsulabananahammock Tue 22-Sep-20 19:45:26

@WellThisWentWell it’s weird as when I look around me I feel as if I’m the only person in the world that this is happening too. I’ve seen people come out of long term relationships/marriages saying that they will never be with anyone/get married again and they meet someone so soon.

When I was in my 20s I used to her remarks like oh once you lose weight you will find someone, you’re so pretty etc. Really demoralising. Well guess what. I lost the weight and I’m still single. It really messes with your head. I’ve had counselling and everything but nothing prepares you for loneliness. I get so many people saying you are lucky you don’t have to answer to anyone etc. And I know the grass isn’t always greener on the other side but I think people who have never been with anyone can truly understand how heartbreaking this is.

Foreverquestioning Tue 22-Sep-20 20:42:46

Thanks for your replies guys!

I've never had a relationship and I turned 30 in December. I have dated quite a lot, and had a bit of interest from men, but it just never seems to get to the point where it develops into a relationship! They either lose interest very soon, or I do.

I can't count the hours I've spent analysing every facet of my personality and actions, to figure out why this is the case. It's hard to see people fall into relationships so easily, and it's hard not to feel like there must be something fundamentally wrong with me. None of this has brought me any closer to the answer.

The rational side of me says that there are lots of people with less than perfect personalities in long-term relationships, so being in a relationship is no reflection of your worth as person. I am also extremely content and happy being single. I feel that I do not want a relationship enough, to put any more effort than I have already done into finding one.

Of course the loneliness hurts at times. I tell myself that every situation has it's pros and cons, and even though I'm dealing with the cons of being single, I don't have to deal with the cons(emotional rollercoasters for one) of being in a relationship.

Either way, I feel I have truly come out on the other side. I have fully accepted that I will be alone forever, and I am no longer going to wonder why, or berate myself for it.

I am now focused on trying to envision what living my best single-life will look like, and taking steps to realise it.

I feel like I have waffled on enough! Other perspectives welcome.

OP’s posts: |
Foreverquestioning Tue 22-Sep-20 20:45:11

@princessconsulabananahammock
Do you ever see yourself accepting that you may never find a relationship? Or do you feel that this sis something you will continually pine/wish for?

@WellThisWentWell why don't you have male friends?

OP’s posts: |
WellThisWentWell Tue 22-Sep-20 20:56:05

@princessconsulabananahammock
Wow, i could relate almost everything you.
Although i’m half way in my weight loss journey....

I was thinking how i wish i had consoling to say, but maybe that isin’t what you need (for me it isin’t helpfull at all).
So i’m just gonna say that yeah, it sucks, it really does.

@Foreverquestioning
Truth be told, i don’t really have friends at all anymore.
But reason why i never had male friends is that i was always bullied by boys and growing up my dad would go from 0 to 100 and just yell and shout all of a sudden and never apolize or explain what happend.
So i’m not comfortable around men.
Plus years of reading news and online, i don’t trust them much.

princessconsulabananahammock Tue 22-Sep-20 22:13:13

@Foreverquestioning if I be truthful I switch. I think I am getting more accepting of it now though. Especially as I let someone in and was probably the closest I have ever been to nearly being there and when I got to crunch time I got friend zoned.

@WellThisWentWell it really does suck. There are are well meaning people in my life who do try and lift my spirits which is great don’t get me wrong but like you said it’s not helpful. I went through something terrible as a child (I have had counselling for it which has helped some) so that makes me a little wary and scared at times. But I just don’t know what it is that puts men off.

InTheShadowOfTheMushroomCloud Tue 22-Sep-20 22:19:27

DH had his first relationship at 40 - me!
I have been married three times so I think I had his share. He had looked after his mum until she died and stayed in that rut.

He met me ( online) and 18 yrs later we are still married and happy.

He says his confidence diminished as the years passed by ( he had dated and wasn't a virgin wheni met him but he hadn't found the right one) and thought he was too old and stuck in his ways...

Foreverquestioning Tue 22-Sep-20 22:47:16

@InTheShadowOfTheMushroomCloud Interesting! So was he actually stuck in his ways? I really do feel that having reached the age of 30 without ever being in a relationship, I surely lack the skills required to make a relationship work. Inability to compromise, reduced tolerance of others quirks...etc. What do you think?

OP’s posts: |
Foreverquestioning Tue 22-Sep-20 22:49:37

@WellThisWentWell I'm so sorry to hear about your childhood. I definitely know where you're coming from re; distrust of men. Just spending some time on the mumsnet relationship board is enough to strike fear into my heart!
It does seem like this is a tangible thing that can be explored with some counselling though. Have you ever considered it?

OP’s posts: |
Foreverquestioning Tue 22-Sep-20 22:52:27

@princessconsulabananahammock unreciprocated feelings are the worst! I've been there quite a few times so I can relate.
The way I see it, there comes a point when the constant self-criticism and self-analysis becomes harmful(and pointless!)
That is when we just need to let that hope of a relationship go, and start looking forward.

OP’s posts: |
Liverpoolip Tue 22-Sep-20 23:30:42

I'm late 40s. Neither dh or I had been in any really long term relationships until we met each other a few years ago. We both had lonely times but neither of us wanted to be in a relationship for the sake of it and I'm so glad we didn't settle.

InTheShadowOfTheMushroomCloud Tue 22-Sep-20 23:48:42

@Foreverquestioning he is still a bit stuck but I think he is some where on the spectrum ( I have lots of experience with autism DD has aspergers) ... he hates change so I have to introduce things slowly...except when it came down to asking me to marry him- we had only been dating a couple of months. He says I make him feel like he doesn't have to try or put on the 'outside' persona with me. He can just be himself.

He also says I smelt right ( I don't wear perfume) and I sounded right.

He was devoted to his mum and that I love about him.

princessconsulabananahammock Wed 23-Sep-20 09:47:57

@InTheShadowOfTheMushroomCloud that is so heartwarming to hear. Nice to hear such lovely stories especially as today is a bad day for me.

Rybvita Wed 23-Sep-20 23:41:43

I have a beautiful bubbly friend who only got her first boyfriend in her mid 30s. Prior to that she had had interest from guys and had been on many dates but nothing ever materialised into a relationship. That relationship ended after a few months and she then subsequently met another guy, got engaged and then married relatively quickly, and has now had a baby aged 37. There was nothing 'wrong' with her, it just happened to take time to find a relationship where she would rather genuinely be with the guy than single.

If you properly think about it, it's actually not that straightforward to have a situation where you're 1. both physically attracted to each other 2. Mutual personality attraction 3. Dont have any 'deal breaker' habits for the other person 4. Both want a proper relationship 5. Have enough interests in common 6. Share the same values and vision of life 7. In a situation where you're able to sustain a relationship 8. Happen to meet each other at the right time!

To be honest I think a lot of people are quite insecure and since the social norm is that you 'should' be partnered, a lot of people aren't that fussy and just settle for someone who they like enough simply so they're not single. My friend could have similarly settled just so she could tick the 'boyfriend' box but she's happy with her husband now and the fact that she was single before for all those years doesn't matter one jot.

Whenever you meet someone whether it's in your 30s or later (some people meet the loves of their lives in old age!) you will know that it's because you actually want to be with them and you have the strength of character to not be dependent on someone else for your reason for living. 😊

Im about to turn 30 myself and been on dates and seen a guy for a few months but ive never had a proper boyfriend. It's been tough at times, though I do know if it's a choice between single or bad relationship I would choose the former. I've matured quite a lot recently and I think some of the reason for being single has been unintentionally putting up barriers and being unavailable somewhat in order to protect myself (a guy I went out with actually said I was guarded which I had never realised before). I know the biggest part of it is also not meeting a right guy yet who I fancy (I dont believe in 'the one') but I'm also aware there are things in my personality that could be unintentionally putting guys off due to past dad issues. The good thing is I can work on it!

GettingChilly Thu 24-Sep-20 02:17:41

I'm 45.

I've had 'relationships' in the sense that I havent always been single. But they've each lasted only 3 or 4 months and then I've been single for a couple of years before meeting someone else I'd be willing to date for a few months.

I'm seeing someone now. We've been together for 10 months. It's the longest relationship I've had. I know he doesn't love me and I know he doesn't find me attractive. I think I've just been good company over lockdown etc and he is willing to have sex with me.

He is always mind and polite but I am under no illusion that he has feelings for me.

I've never had a good relationship or one where I've been loved and treated well. I find it easier being single but sometimes it's really just nice to pretend I'm like everyone else.

someonem Thu 24-Sep-20 04:09:13

Fortysomething Male here. I've had more lottery wins than I've had first dates!

In answer to your questions:

Why do you think you've ended up in this position? Is it by choice?

At school I was bullied constantly by a lot of people. Even those that weren't bullies just wouldn't even be associated with me 'cos that wouldn't be cool, much less date me!

I'm about 5'3, so online dating is like the first round of Guess Who - Anyone less than 6' gets eliminated in the first round - either because you ladies like a tall man to make you feel all protected & safe. Or because if you date a short man you feel silly in heels (Great, so now I can't get a date because of a pair of inanimate objects!!)

Now, according to various threads on MN, because I'm in my 40's, childless and with nothing to put on my dating CV - apparently that raises red flags and means I'm immature.

How do you feel about it?

Gutted!

Have you accepted it and truly stopped looking for love?

I wouldn't say accepted "it". But I've accepted that the odds are stacked against me, so yeah - I gave up looking a long time ago.

Or are you still hopeful?

Not really. I'd love it to happen! But I'm not going out of my way to look for it any more. And yes - I realise that limits my chances, but.. meh... Why keep flogging a dead horse! Better things to invest my time & energy on.

What are the positives to this lifestyle that you've found?

I can do what I like, when I like. And the money I saved not dating, getting married and having kids meant I could semi-retire early. (So I can spend more time playing with my Lego - y'know, being immature and all that! :P )

Do you think you can be truly happy if you never get the chance to experience a relationship?

I don't know. Grass is always greener, etc. I like the idea of being in a relationship. But then sometimes I look at friends relationships (and plenty of dramas played out here on MN) and wonder if it's really all it's hyped up to be or whether I am better off living my selfish single life!

Do you think that admitting to a date that you've never been in a relationship is such a huge red flag that they probably will run for the hills afterwards?

As mentioned above - I've seen enough posts here on MN where women have stated it's a red flag.

Bonus Question - From a bloke's POV, Do I see it as a red flag if a woman hasn't had a relationship?

Absolutely not! I would much rather date a lady who's not had a relationship than one who has had quite a few. I'll stick my head above the parapet and suggest that both men and women who have a substantial dating history are more likely to be the "life & soul of the party" <insert supermodel of choice> aesthetics. Where as us terminally single are probably the more "plain Jane", curl up in front of the fire with some cocoa types - and that suits me! smile

Emmas85 Thu 24-Sep-20 04:54:01

@someonem your post made me smile as it gave me hope that genuine guys are out there. You sound like a nice guy.
Op your post really resonates with me. I'm a single mum but have been single since I was 20. Sometimes I feel really down about it, I worry that this is my life now and that I'll grow old having never been loved. Never heard the words 'I love you' or felt what they mean. It's hard because at the same time I've got used to my life being this way and do like my own company. It's really difficult.

Emmas85 Thu 24-Sep-20 04:55:02

Maybe we need a Mumsnet dating page smile

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