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How would I know if I’m gay?!

(101 Posts)
BrandonBliss Fri 07-Feb-20 12:51:25

NC, been here years.

Married six years to DH, 1 four year old DC. Always wondered about girls but never went there other than a handful of drunken kisses and flirty texts when drunk in the past. Find myself more and more drawn to women, but I still fancy men sometimes. This whole thing with Phil Schofield has me thinking. Do people who are gay just KNOW? Because I certainly feel confused. Thanks for your help!

Vilanelle Fri 07-Feb-20 12:53:27

I'm not sure. I think it is healthier to explore these feelings than just stick a label on yourself, Harder for you of course because you have a partner

Mamabear88 Fri 07-Feb-20 13:08:27

It sounds to me like you're attracted to both men and women? In which case you're bisexual rather than gay. Maybe that's what's confusing you? It doesn't have to be one or the other.

I personally have never been attracted to women, I think you just know which sex turns you on. I can obviously admire an attractive woman but it's in a jealous 'god I wish I looked like her' kinda way than 'I wonder what it'd be like to make out with her' way. If you've had drunken kisses and flirty texts in the past, especially when drunk (they say your true self comes out when you're drunk) then I think there must have always been some curiosity there.

Good luck, I hope you figure it all out soon.

Blueloo Fri 07-Feb-20 13:12:49

The whole PS thing has set off a lot of confusion I think!
I’ve just started a thread because of it.

It’s very possible to not know you’re gay.
Comphet - compulsory heterosexuality is most definitely a thing.
On the whole people are brought up to be straight, books, films, tv etc conditions is to believe that “normal” is man + woman.

I was in my 40s before I realised.
Now I have no idea what to do.

12345kbm Fri 07-Feb-20 13:12:50

It's very much an individual thing as is your sexuality OP. I've known people who were 'always' gay. Always knew they fancied those of the opposite sex. I also know people who thought they were straight all their lives then fell in love with someone of the same sex and boom! realised they were gay.

It's as complicated as people are. It might be an idea to contact the LGBT Switchboard and just have a chat with someone non judgemental who may be able to help you with your feelings.

SnarkyGorgon Fri 07-Feb-20 13:15:03

Dan Savage of excellent sex and relationship advice-giving fame (and gay man) says that it’s what you mastabate to that’s most indicative of your true sexuality. So if you picture mainly women when you’re getting yourself off, that’s probably your subconscious telling you something 🤷🏼‍♀️

noego Fri 07-Feb-20 13:55:50

I've had a few relationships where my partner was bi curious and needed to scratch the itch. So gone from being bi curious to bi sexual, putting percentages on their sexuality. I.e. 80/20 for example.

Musti Fri 07-Feb-20 13:59:17

All I know is that I've never imagined, wanted to or experimented with a woman. My best friend is bisexual but has only ever loved 1 woman, the rest of her life she's only been attracted to men.

So, I can only tell you from a heterosexual pow (and at nearly 50, safe to say that I won't change).

BrandonBliss Fri 07-Feb-20 14:25:23

@SnarkyGorgon that is very interesting. It’s usually women in this situation.

PumpkinP Fri 07-Feb-20 14:57:34

I’ve never felt any attraction to women in the slightest. I do think people know but just don’t want to admit it/accept it

TheClitterati Fri 07-Feb-20 14:58:58

have a read around compulsory hetrosexuality - I'm another very confused about the whole thing. I can happily not have another relationship with a man. I wouldnt know where to even begin having a relationship with a woman though it has appeal.

yep I'm <confused> as fuck

PhilomenaChristmasPie Fri 07-Feb-20 15:01:27

This is difficult because I'm 52 and don't remember when I knew I was bi.

Jane1978xx Fri 07-Feb-20 15:05:36

It’s a spectrum in my opinion like I think I am 90% for men but I have kissed women. Some people are 50/50 and others would never ever want to be involved with someone of the same sex. I don’t think you need to be confused just do what you want to do and what you enjoy as long as you aren’t cheating on anyone

user14572856389 Fri 07-Feb-20 15:11:44

I’ve never felt any attraction to women in the slightest. I do think people know but just don’t want to admit it/accept it

hmm

GeraldineFangedVagine Fri 07-Feb-20 15:14:41

I left my male partner of 14 years as I realised I am gay. I desperately wanted to be ‘normal’ had an abusive childhood and my ex was so lovely and so kind that I completely denied my sexuality for years until I couldn’t. We broke up when I had therapy and told him. I did love him and do still but I wasn’t really attracted to him. I am now married to a woman. As soon as I was able to ‘be gay’ my whole life changed. I am at peace. Although it was wrong that I didn’t face up to it sooner I never meant to hurt my ex. I couldn’t admit it even to myself. So, I would recommend therapy, don’t just suppress these feelings. The suppression manifests in damaging behaviours. I don’t regret coming out, but I do regret hurting my ex, although we have a good relationship now.

Reginabambina Fri 07-Feb-20 15:18:24

I always assumed I was straight and it was confirmed when I started having sex (men turn me on in general, women never do). I suppose if I found I didn’t like sex with men at all that might have prompted me to consider the alternative.

75Renarde Fri 07-Feb-20 15:21:21

I'm 100% straight. I find a lot if men are a bit hmm at this. But I am. And you know what? I wish I wasnt. I really do.

But the PP who mentioned porn I think probably has it. My porning revolves around big cocks. Or hang bangs, that kind of thing. But never women.

I've watched F-F porn but only out of curiosity.

God I'm boring!

Reginabambina Fri 07-Feb-20 15:22:56

@SnarkyGorgon or it could be someone wanting a fantasy that matches their own sexual experience? I mean, while the thought of an attractive man is very exciting a male orgasm isn’t something that I can really relate to so it would be super weird if I only ever imagined a man/men while masturbating surely?

75Renarde Fri 07-Feb-20 15:28:26

I think to add, the 'Scofe Effect' could be very intresting. Very. I'd heard rumours a few years ago. Good on him for coming out. I wonder why he did it now... I have suspicions. But regardless, if it makes people think then that's good in my book.

There is a HORRENDOUS double standard when it comes to bisexuality. I've read it on here. Some females will not touch a bi male with a barge pole. Yet it is positively welcomed in females.

I think that your post is really positive OP and I wish you the very best of luck!

BrandonBliss Fri 07-Feb-20 15:45:13

I have always been a tomboy and attracted to both sexes growing up. I do feel like I have to be straight really though! It’s a confusing old world.

Rockbox84 Fri 07-Feb-20 15:47:59

Someone said to me - straight women don’t lie awake at night wondering if they are straight. They just are straight. It’s not an internal debate. Therefore if you are debating it with yourself - there’s a good chance you aren’t straight.

excitedemmi Fri 07-Feb-20 15:49:44

I agree that you don't need to label yourself and this sort of thing is easier to do when you're young and not with a partner/got life sorted etc. However, I personally believe as well as gay/straight/bi, sometimes people are just attracted to certain people and it doesn't really matter what your sexuality is. I.e. a straight women is attracted to men, but that doesn't mean all men... Personally, I'm bisexual, and I might even be more attracted to women more than men. I have been with my husband for ten years now, though, and it's quite irrelevant what my sexuality is as he is the one I have chosen to build my life with. I could suddenly decide I am attracted to men and women and... fish and it wouldn't matter. I hope I'm not coming across as judgey and maybe it's because I got the opportunity to explore my sexuality when I was younger that it doesn't matter now, but I'm just asking does it matter if you're attracted to other men and other women if you love your husband?

75Renarde Fri 07-Feb-20 15:54:27

Ohhh @Rockbox84, that's a good one.

I certainly do not lie awake thinking of women. Never. I once had a dream when I was 14? About kissing a girl. Never happened again since.

And agreeing also. If you are questioning it then you probably are.

But then again, I cannot be an expert because I am not Bi.

I am Gender Fluid though. I know I think like a man. I enjoy dressing as male but then again, when I've hot ne corset on, I'm something else.

And yes, it's very VERY confusing.

Like you OP, I was/am a tomboy. My profession us in the remit of a very heavily male dominated industry. Physics and Engineering.

okiedokieme Fri 07-Feb-20 15:54:57

My dd says that she just falls in love with a person, their sex or gender is irrelevant. It's hard for me to get my head around because I know I don't look at women the same way as men, she does. It's actually pretty common today, she thinks around half of everyone she knows is gay, bi or bi curious - young people today certainly don't like to restrict themselves! Nobody judges you but be aware of the consequences to those close especially your dh

noego Fri 07-Feb-20 16:49:29

"Dan Savage of excellent sex and relationship advice-giving fame (and gay man) says that it’s what you mastabate to that’s most indicative of your true sexuality. So if you picture mainly women when you’re getting yourself off, that’s probably your subconscious telling you something"
🤷🏼‍♀️

Don't believe everything you read smile

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