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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

How soon/long after starting dating someone would you expect to feel important to them?

317 replies

CherryRedDocs · 05/02/2020 20:08

As the title says.

This is someone I met in real life. I don't date generally and he says that he doesn't either.

We see each other most weekends and once mid week most weeks for some sort of context.

OP posts:

Report

CherryRedDocs · 05/02/2020 20:10

Sorry, it's just coming up to 3 months.

OP posts:

workinghard123 · 05/02/2020 20:26

Now?

eggontoast2 · 05/02/2020 20:28

Straight away if you are both mutually into each other and can see it going somewhere.

CherryRedDocs · 05/02/2020 20:29

Yeah, that is what I thought.

I don't think I am important to him.

Time to end it then, I guess.

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Interestedwoman · 05/02/2020 20:32

@CherryRedDocs Everyone's different. How do you feel about how it's progressing? What sort of things does he say about how he's feeling about the relationship/you? Does it seem like you're on the same page? These things can take time I suppose. x

CherryRedDocs · 05/02/2020 20:33

We had a chat at about 6 weeks or so when we both said it was a bit of a shock to the system after being single for so long. He said he wanted to just "see where it goes". And I was happy with that at that time.

But now, I'm less so. I want a boyfriend or to be single. I'm not interested in some meaningless longer term 'dating' situation.

I need to tell him that though. I can't just end it with a "it's not working for me" because we have mutual friends and run in similar circles so our paths will cross. And I don't think he's done anything wrong, I just dont think he's that into me.

I just don't know what to say.

OP posts:

eggontoast2 · 05/02/2020 20:36

Does he know you want a boyfriend/partner rather than something casual?

CherryRedDocs · 05/02/2020 20:37

What sort of things does he say about how he's feeling about the relationship/you?

He doesn't say anything at all.

He treats me well; takes me out; has introduced me to his friends; showed an interest on meeting mine etc. But i have no idea what he thinks about me.

I cant even bring myself to say i don't know how he feels because I'm not sure feelings come into it.

I know that actions are supposed to speak louder than words and his actions seem positive but words? I have no idea. I don't even know if he regards me as his girlfriend or not.

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CherryRedDocs · 05/02/2020 20:39

Does he know you want a boyfriend/partner rather than something casual?

I don't know. And I don't know how to tell him.

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CherryRedDocs · 05/02/2020 20:42

I feel I need to have a conversation with him but I don't know where to start.

If this is just teething troubles and he wants to be with me then great. If he's not really fussed either way, I'd rather walk.

When I initiated the conversation 6 weeks ago, he was lovely - kind and affectionate - and said afterwards he'd been a bit concerned i was going to end it.

But that was then.

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CherryRedDocs · 05/02/2020 20:44

I suspect that if I approach it with a 'boyfriend or single', then I'm going to walk away single 😢

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workinghard123 · 05/02/2020 21:12

I don’t agree with your summary at all. It sounds very positive, especially as you have mutual friends. He sees you most weekends!

I would be tempted to see if he would be keen to have a weekend away / night away. If you are happy then I can’t see a big rush to agree to be boyfriend / girlfriend

CherryRedDocs · 05/02/2020 21:21

Last weekend, I suggested going to something that would require an overnight stay. We haven't booked it yet but wouldn't be able to go until March. He seemed quite keen and thought it was a good idea to stay overnight too.

We just don't really speak in between seeing each other. We might phone each other once a week but only really message to arrange seeing each other.

Tbh, I feel like if someone doesn't know if they want me to be their girlfriend after 3 months, then they don't and are just kicking the can down the road for a bit.

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CherryRedDocs · 05/02/2020 21:23

If you are happy then I can’t see a big rush to agree to be boyfriend / girlfriend

I guess I'm not happy. That's the point. I dont like the uncertainty.

No one knows how a relationship will work out but to not even know if you're in a relationship...

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CherryRedDocs · 05/02/2020 21:25

I suppose I just dont know if I mean anything to him at all.

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stakeholderwizz · 05/02/2020 21:27

I'd ask him directly not an Internet forum tbh

CherryRedDocs · 05/02/2020 21:32

Yes I know I need to do that. I'm just not sure what to say.

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Ashsummer · 05/02/2020 21:36

Go with your gut. It sounds from what you say that something doesn't feel right.
You deserve someone to adore you and if you're questioning it or your gut is making you feel sick then listen to it

Tbh you shouldn't have to ask him, he should be open with you and tell you how much he cares for you.
Even if he's not big into heart on sleeve honesty is this something you are ok with?

Personally I need someone who is open, direct and knows what he wants and does everything to make me feel special

CherryRedDocs · 05/02/2020 21:47

I think I'm just going to end it.

I really, really don't want to but I don't really think i have a choice.

Personally I need someone who is open, direct and knows what he wants and does everything to make me feel special

Yes, I think that's what I'd need to.

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joystir59 · 05/02/2020 21:48

We knew Wed get married before we had our first date.

Newnamewhodis1 · 05/02/2020 21:52

Tell him how you feel then say 'and how do you feel?' it's not difficult! Don't be a wimp and end it before you've talked.

Newnamewhodis1 · 05/02/2020 21:56

Tbh you're being ridiculous. You don't know how he feels because he hasn't told you but you're not willing to tell him how you feel! You 'dont know where to start' or 'what to say'. He's introduced you to his mates. you hang out lots. Get a grip woman and just TALK TO HIM

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Newnamewhodis1 · 05/02/2020 21:57

And you want someone open and direct but you are being neither! I despair at these threads.

Ashsummer · 05/02/2020 22:18

You're not being ridiculous. Stick to your guns. You need to be with someone you feel comfortable with who you can tell openly how you feel.
He's not that in to . I've been there and it's not worth it

RamblingRose1 · 05/02/2020 22:50

I was in the same situation at 3 months and decided I needed someone who would prioritise me so as much as I liked him I said this doesn't work for me, I really like you but don't feel we are on the same page. Happy to stay friends but I'm going to end whatever this is as it's not making me feel good.
We had no contact for a month then I asked a question about something random, he asked if we could meet for lunch and we started talking again.
He admitted he had felt unsure about it all and agreed the effort had been lacking on his part but wanted to give it another try if I would give him a chance.
I did and it is like being with a different person, now I am sure he 100% wants to be in a relationship it's great, planning stuff, messaging more, weekends away.
I'm so glad I gave him another chance, as clearly he just needed space to realise how great I am
It's a risk but it paid off in this case so far

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