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Why I was outed

(84 Posts)
Cachoo Wed 29-Jan-20 10:48:24

10 years ago, I was completely outed by a very large group of females at work. I went from being invited to all the social gatherings to none over night. It played havoc with my mental health for a long time.
I still have to see the large group of women through work even though I left that particular role 2 years ago. I have to liaise with them very briefly.
I am still friends with our then-manager and after recently catching up with her, I disvovered why I was outed. I guess I'm looking for a bit of perspective so I can lay it all to rest and move on.
So it turns out, that 10 years ago when I was with my then boyfriend, my phone accidentally called a member of the group... whilst we were having sex!! 😯
I vaguely remember her saying I'd called her accidentally at the weekend and I shrugged it off thinking nothing of it- I do remember though that we were away in a hotel that weekend and yes, there was lots of well... you know. So it is probably correct.
The lady in question hasn't actually made much eye contact with me since and has been very cold- an older, church abiding lady with a heart of gold. She must have told someone and well, the rumour spread. I wasn't invited to her surprise 60th birthday along with everyone else so it all makes sense now.
I'm a little mortified by it all, but... it seems a little drastic to be cut off by an entire group don't you think? My closest friend in the group who cut me off used to revel in telling me what the group had been up to- knowing I hadn't been invited.
All seems a little mean.
I still have to see the group briefly so it's a little awkward, I'm not sure what I can do really now but I would like to let go of this now.

JoshLymanIsHotterThanSam Wed 29-Jan-20 10:50:40

If it were me I’d tel them all what a bunch of wankers they were for cutting me out over something so ridiculous.

But that probably isn’t the right thing to do.

You can hold your head up high on this one though-you did nothing wrong-they are obviously not nice people.

Whatisthisfuckery Wed 29-Jan-20 10:54:00

Sorry, for what were you outed? Are you a gay man?

user1471449295 Wed 29-Jan-20 10:56:10

It’s very mean and OTT. Most people would laugh it off, or maybe be slightly shocked, but not shun you. Sound like a bunch of holier than thou bitches.

Enb76 Wed 29-Jan-20 10:59:02


and yes - they're a mean bunch and ousted you from their group for a very petty reason. Rise above it.

Cachoo Wed 29-Jan-20 10:59:27

I'm a straight female @whatisthisfuckery

SleepwalkingThroughLife Wed 29-Jan-20 10:59:58

How weird. Thank God they cut you out, they saved you from having judgemental friends. I wouldn't describe the lady as having a heart of gold though.

LemonScentedStickyBat Wed 29-Jan-20 11:01:29

You mean “cut off”. “Outed” means something quite different.

Sorry this happened to you, they sound ridiculous

inwood Wed 29-Jan-20 11:03:25

Do you mean ousted?

Anyway, let them get on with it, if they're that offended by a mistake they're a bunch of idiots.

Thestrangestthing Wed 29-Jan-20 11:05:08

Well you weren't outed, but that was a really shitty thj v of them to do. Why on earth would they stop talking to you because of this, and why would she tell everyone! Are you sure that's the real reason?

Whatisthisfuckery Wed 29-Jan-20 11:05:09

Oh right. Outed usually means outed as gay so I was confused.

I’d just ignore them in that case. They sound horrible and not worth your time.

pinkyredrose Wed 29-Jan-20 11:05:16

So she listened to the phone call then told everyone? She's a bitch.

Mixitupalot Wed 29-Jan-20 11:07:54

Oh I thought you had been “outted” as in a same sex relationship!! Check your terminology.

Also I wouldn’t worry about it, it was years ago big deal.

cstaff Wed 29-Jan-20 11:07:56

If that had been me that had received that phonecall and you were a friend I definitely would have let you know and probably in a "taking the piss" kind of way but that would have been it. I definitely would not have cut off a friendship over somethings so ridiculous. Embarrassing - yes, but nothing to be ashamed about. You have done nothing wrong here. At this stage I would just let them off. They are not worth it OP if they cut you off for something so small minded they are not worth it.

Surplus2requirements Wed 29-Jan-20 11:08:27

I can't see any reason for them cutting you out unless it's thought you did it deliberately for some bizarre reason or were doing something really, REALLY weird hmm

onlyk Wed 29-Jan-20 11:11:25

Well at least you know what happened.

The lady who you accidentally called probably was embarrassed and offended by the call and probably expected you to apologise however I suspect that relationship even if you realised at the time what had happened wouldn’t have survived intact.

I would think the person who eventually told you at some point realised that you genuinely didn’t know you had accidentally phoned the lady whilst having sex.

As for the others could be a case that as you never properly apologise (ie were off hand about it) that they took offence on her behalf or were more standoffish with you.

If you’re lucky the one who told you might let it be known you hadn’t realised so there might be a change in attitude.

Depending on what you want going forward it maybe worth apologising to lady involved explaining that you’re apologising now as you hadn’t realised what had actually happened until the manager had told you. This would be the right thing to do even if the relationship with the group isn’t recoverable. However you may think it’s not worth dragging it all up again.

slipperywhensparticus Wed 29-Jan-20 11:14:52

I think you mean ousted?

Phones have buttons perhaps church lady should use them

LemonTT Wed 29-Jan-20 11:16:36

Maybe they cut you off because this conservative woman received a call from you in which you made sex sounds. Which really warranted disciplinary investigation.

The woman would have received a call with sex noises on it. That’s all. She told the group. They would not have known anymore than that.

Frankly I’ve never had a mis dial that was clear. Just a lot of muffle that prompts you to hang up knowing it was a misdial. If I heard clear sex sounds I would have reported you to the police on the basis that it was intentional.

cstaff Wed 29-Jan-20 11:18:28

But after 10 years of being ignored for no reason as far as the OP was concerned. They didn't even have the decency to explain to her what had happened - who would do something like that on purpose. I would not be apologising - if anything the onus is on them to apologise to you.

As for going forward - who would want to be friends with people who would "fall out" with a friend over a genuine mistake. That was crazy behaviour on their part.

damnthatanxiety Wed 29-Jan-20 11:22:32

I take it you don't actually mean 'outed'.

If you mean shunned, then it is completely ridiculous. You were shunned for having sex? Really? What weird people. In every other workplace I suspect they would have taken the mickey, not shunned you. Are they all Amish?

MMadness Wed 29-Jan-20 11:22:52

Yeah. Let's focus on the incorrect terminology instead of the issue. Waaaayyyy more important. Fuck.

Sorry OP, it's a shit thing to happen. My friends would laugh it off and never let me forget.

Seems your friend is a little more conservative. Don't give them anymore headspace.

2monstermash Wed 29-Jan-20 11:28:55

@MMadness well.. it is quite important because it completely changes the meaning of the content. I read the thread assuming it was somebody being outed as being gay too until I saw OP's comment.

The advice is going to be very different!

BlueJava Wed 29-Jan-20 11:30:42

I think shutting you off from the group for that is completely ridiculous! For perspective - several years I believe a colleague accidentally did this to me and I'm pretty sure he was having sex. I just cut the call off. On the Monday he very tentatively said "Sorry, I think I accidentally called you over the weekend?" and I just said "Oh yeah, I just assumed it was a pocket dial as I couldn't hear you speak, no worries". Relief all round and that I believe is the correct way to handle it.

I have to question why you still want to be friends with them? Why not move on in those 10 years (although I guess at least you know why it happened now). If I needed to meet with them (school, client, whatever) I'd act normal. If I didn't need to meet with them I'd have completely moved on by now. Sex is completely normal, you did something which was an accident which caused a minor embarrassment at the time - she is the one who has prolonged it and circulated the incident so you are in no way at fault.

Thelnebriati Wed 29-Jan-20 11:30:50

I think what happens is that one person decides you should be ousted and the others are too cowardly to confront them in case the same thing happens to them.
It just goes to show how weak they are; they value having social contacts more than real friendship.

WellHolyGodMiley Wed 29-Jan-20 11:31:04

They excluded you for 10 years :-0

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