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is this a red flag? how to word this message back

(35 Posts)
SueDoeName Tue 28-Jan-20 21:33:24

i split with my dp of 5 years last summer and recently decided the only way id meet anyone is on line dating, went for a paid site. I am 47 but due to luck/genes/the gods/ I do look a good 10 - 15 years younger. I put a good number of pics up (no posey pouty selfies or filters)
I got a lot of response but a few caught my attention. ive had a few first dates with different guys and ive been totally honest.
one guy is 5 years younger than me and is a competitive body builder - he is seriously fit if muscles are your thing ( im easy ) but we met and he seemed very lovely and our politics matched and our outlook and we had a lovely evening although he wouldn't eat as was preparing for a show - no problem,
I didn't feel any real spark and he asked for a second date - I said worth a try and wed arranged to meet again at the weekend, yesterday I began with the most horrendous cold - today its 10x worse and ive nearly lost my voice through a hacking cough, my nose is red raw, my skins dry - I look dire - so I messaged him to say not well - can we rain check.
got a message back basically saying I don't believe you, this always happens to me, get a text saying sniffle, then cold, then dates cancelled if you don't want to go just say type of thing
like a fucking idiot I voice recorded my lost voice and sent the voice record to him saying I am genuinely ill and its not an excuse.

got a text back - ok fair enough.
now I get this guy is a bit jaded from the OLD scene but fuck me??? hes questioning my integrity after one date? ive been totally honest from the off in saying I just wanted to meet people and see if I clicked with anyone - not rushing and maybe not even ready but ready to get out and stop being a hermit - he is the archetypal body builder, seems sensible , works part time and competes part time, but this has seriously put me off. after one date he mistrusts me and questions my integrity and honesty?
im leaving it tonight but I want to message back saying actually, if you are questioning my honesty after one date then your a whole new level of needy I can do without, stick your date up your barbell....should I? (obviously worded nicer)

another guy I am due to meet also hinted the same, seems very insecure and is constantly telling me how wonderful I am etc etc. again id sent the voice mail as I was so pissed off initially but then ive stopped and asked myself why the fuck am I even explaining myself when its actually the truth!

ive had 4 dates with 4 different men so far, all appeared lovely but there wasn't a spark with any although all asked for a second date.

right now im feeling like deleting my profile and staying happily single - ( my last relationship was abusive and I AM happily single - just thought id see what was out there and it had given me a huge confidence boost but I cant deal with crazy - not again!

opinions please?

Sohardtochooseausername Tue 28-Jan-20 21:35:20

If you don’t really fancy him that much then there’s not much point in going out with him. You can’t help how you feel. I can imagine it would be upsetting for him but maybe he needs to improve his dating skills.

BitOfFun Tue 28-Jan-20 21:36:07

Angryheads who show their character so early on should absolutely be filtered out.

Keep going, you haven't really given OLD a real chance yet.

Jane1978xx Tue 28-Jan-20 21:36:09

How long do you chat to them before you meet ? Also maybe have more simple first dates like a coffee or one drink so you don’t feel so much like you’ve wasted time

SueDoeName Tue 28-Jan-20 21:42:20

He doesn't seem angry , just dejected ? But I didn't appreciate the tone or the questioning . I felt I had to prove i was ill

CodenameVillanelle Tue 28-Jan-20 21:42:27

Bin off both of these guys but don't assume that means you have to stay single forever!

SueDoeName Tue 28-Jan-20 21:44:10

Chatting - that varies . One guy and I have been chatting about a month and not met , mr muscle about 2 weeks but a lot .

Michaelbaubles Tue 28-Jan-20 21:44:35

You’re chasing their approval after one date, or no dates even! They’re supposed to be on their best behaviour and trying to win you over and that’s how they act? And that’s at their best? Nah, not worth the time or energy.

SueDoeName Tue 28-Jan-20 21:47:33

I'm maybe not ready. He's a proper hottie but I didn't fancy him . And this has just put me off .

VanGoghsDog Tue 28-Jan-20 21:49:13

Nah, too controlling and, frankly, unkind.

It does get tedious on OLD when you hear the same thing over and over but you have to meet each new person with no hang ups. And if he can't, move on.

BobbyBlueCat Tue 28-Jan-20 21:50:23

Who would have believed it, a bodybuilder that is suspicious, controlling and has an attitude.....

Don't go there. Even if he's the nicest guy on earth, steroid free and not on coke he'll spend hours in the gym, have the most boring diet in the world, the stinkiest farts, be an absolute cunt to be around when he's fasting for days before a show and you'll have zero fun because it'll all be about food, gym, sleep repeat. And your bedding will be permanently streaked with fake tan!

MadameButterface Tue 28-Jan-20 21:51:47

What BoF said

He sounds a bit like a NiceGuy. He’ll need those muscles carrying that big old suitcase full of manpain around with him.

Thing is, reverse the roles - if you thought you were getting a polite brush off excuse (even though this wasn’t that!), would you reply angrily or would you be like ok, take care, nice meeting you anyway type thing? You’ve had a shitty past with men - do you project all that baggage and hurt on to the new people you meet, or are you kind and polite and treat people as though they’re acting in good faith? Because i bet it’s the latter. No need to lower yourself to his level, just forget about him. If he does get back in touch, feel free to politely tell him you found him rude and off putting.

Harriett123 Tue 28-Jan-20 21:53:22

Massive red flag for me.
Run. You could tell him why but it opens him up to argue why your wrong/ why you should feel sorry for him.
Quick text to say your not interested. Then block him

SueDoeName Tue 28-Jan-20 22:07:58

madamebutterface that's very true.

harriett I feel so guilty being ruthless. im not sure ill ever be ready because if theyre needy I feel guilty

just reading back he obviously thought about it, got the feeling I was giving him the runaround,
said just confirm if I aren't interested or better offer because this has happened to him 10 times in the last year, says the messages are like we all copy and paste from each other as theyre identical

I certainly didn't go to " how to duck the date" school …… I am just really offended. fucking hell. I kept looking at him and thinking "why are you single?" hes got the body of adonis, seems nice, but maybe I got my answer tonight!

at least he knows I wasn't lying. I sound shite!!

SunsetYorks Tue 28-Jan-20 22:08:11

I spoke to ALOT of guys online, but something just clicked with my now partner of almost 3.5 years and the second I met him I just knew.

Don’t meet for date two unless you have no doubts.

yepimaman Tue 28-Jan-20 22:08:17

Maya Angelouonce said "when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time".

SueDoeName Tue 28-Jan-20 22:31:44

so I told him if he was questioning my integrity and honesty after one date it wasn't going to work. blocked.

persistent little bugger then text me saying so he was right then!

text back nope. but I aren't having my honesty questioned after one date and that im sorry others haven't been honest, but I am. bye!

blocked all over now. bugger that for a game of skittles

Maduixa Tue 28-Jan-20 22:34:02

These guys both sound insecure and kind of rude (body builder and "how wonderful" guy). I get being frustrated if people keep cancelling or asking for a raincheck and never rescheduling, but that's the kind of reply you type angrily and then delete before sending. I wouldn't like someone assuming I was a liar. Also I'll bet the body builder would have been furious if you'd shown up sick and coughed and sneezed on him!

As for deleting the profile - if you've paid in advance, maybe see if you can suspend the service and pick it up later?

TimeForPlentyIn2020 Tue 28-Jan-20 22:44:00

How are your youthful looks relevant?

TheMistressQuickly Tue 28-Jan-20 23:31:43

Urgh. Hate OLD.

SueDoeName Wed 29-Jan-20 01:59:40


Because most of my recipients are younger than me .

My confidence was stamped on for the last 5 years when I could have actually been out there looking for someone who liked me . My ex was an abusive man who made me feel so shit that I genuinely didn't think anyone else would want anything to do with me. So the fact I'm getting messages from way younger men is relevant because I'm not sure why.

SueDoeName Wed 29-Jan-20 02:00:59

Other than I don't look my age ?

Or they are all just chancers who did t look at the hearth while poking the fire?

BitOfFun Wed 29-Jan-20 02:02:42

You sound lovely, OP. Are you also doing the usual RL things, like getting out and volunteering, attending local events, joining groups/classes?

SueDoeName Wed 29-Jan-20 02:05:12

Bof course I'm lovely- we are fb friends!!! 😂😘


I've made so many new friends here it's fab. Work gets in way a bit .

SueDoeName Wed 29-Jan-20 02:07:57

I'd posted a pic of mr muscle on fb but my daughter was so disgusted with me I removed it. 😂

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