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My Husband wants to seperate but wont leave the home

(16 Posts)
Gizmo100 Fri 31-Aug-07 23:05:39

Ive been married 4 years and my husband has said he wants to seperate. We have a 1.5 year old daughter. He has seen a lawyer already who told him he doesnt need to move out. I am seeing the lawyer on Monday (via Womens Aid). He wont move out and would you believe is still sleeping in the same bed as me!!!! He wont move into the spare room.Ive told him i will do anything to change to stay for the sake of our daughter but he is not interested. His mum has meddled in our relationship since day one and i am positive (along with my friends and family) she is backing him to ditch me. My husband says if we do it ammicably we can sell house asap but if we dont he will have to stay there til it goes thorugh the courts. He is blackmailing by saying if its amicable its best for our daughter. To put you in the picture I have been emotionally abused by him gradually getting worse from the start of our marriage- his parents wont be getting told that. I have put up with it for the sake of my daughter. Im in scotland so I think the law is different - has anyone managed to get their husband to move out???

MadMare Fri 31-Aug-07 23:17:38

sorry Giz.. can't offer any practical help.. however, a red hot poker up the arse is likely to remove even the most stubborn wankers... think his mum could do with one as well!!

loopylou6 Fri 31-Aug-07 23:21:34

id get yourself a new boyfriend pronto(just a weekend one if u could arrange for ur daughter to stay with family of the weekend) that should shift him angry

Flibbertyjibbet Fri 31-Aug-07 23:37:32

Why would you say you will do anything to change, to keep an idiot like this.
You are perfectly nice as you are. See the lawyer, see what she says.
My friend just had the same experience off her husband, he finally moved out months and months later and it wasn't amicable in the end, sorry.

Hurlyburly Fri 31-Aug-07 23:40:23

Erm, see that lawyer straight away.

In the meantime please don't (agree to) sell the house. You have rights.

MyTwopenceworth Fri 31-Aug-07 23:41:42

Well, first off, move into the spare room yourself!

arewenearlythereyet Fri 31-Aug-07 23:41:56

you have to decide whats best for you, are you hanging on for you, or just for your daughter. she won't thank you for it when she's older trust me. Do whats best for you, see your solicitor and take action. its so hard but it won't get any easier in the position you're in. good luck

Tortington Fri 31-Aug-07 23:46:51

The spouse who initiates the separation does not automatically have to leave the marital home. As a general rule of thumb, the partner who retains primary responsibility for caring for any children will be the one who stays.

The one major caveat to this, pointed out by both Inness and Katzenberg, is that if there is an imminent personal risk to spouse or children, it is best to leave the martial home.

An application cannot be made to the courts for an interdict barring the other spouse from the family home or for the right to change the locks, since it is illegal to change locks on a property held in joint names without the court's consent.

It is also not possible for one spouse to sell the marital home from underneath the other. According to Inness, the Law Society of Scotland's guidelines forbid its members from acting in the sale of property where a couple are in dispute.

Where the property is owned jointly, the partner leaving the marital home does not forfeit rights to the property.

Inness says: "The situation is more complicated if the house is in the other party's sole name, as you have no rights other than occupancy rights which you would have to go to court to enforce."

Interestingly, Inness says she has a significant number of clients who are separated but continue to live together because neither can afford to move out.

Tortington Fri 31-Aug-07 23:48:39

from64.233.183.104/search?q=cache:jFgUFhPSjCUJ:scotlandonsunday.scotsman.com/business.cfm%3Fid%3D1990662 005+marital+law+scotland+keeping+the+marital+home&hl=en&ct=clnk&cd=2


there is a shitload of information here important points to consider - such as in scotland the assets are divided not from divorce but from date of seperation


things like flagging accounts with the bank and informing the bank so he can't make any large withdrawls

Gizmo100 Sat 01-Sep-07 12:11:34

Thanks for all your responses - I am a pretty strong person but this has devastated me. Last night he was back in the bed and i said this isnt doing us any good i.e. we cant sleep but he insisted he is staying. Today he said he would look after our daughter all day 2moro(never has offered b4!)) I said why dont we do something as a family and he said no way. I am doing this for my little girl but now the gloves are off - why would i want to stay wth someone that wants to seperate, not prepared to work at our marriage and is making my live hell living with me. He has just accused me of trying to ebay cushions he thought were a wedding present!!!!! They were bought last year. Ive found an odd mobile number on his phone (i couple of friend have asked if hes having an affair) so im going to call it this afternoon. This afternoon he is away golfing so my sister & friend and I are going to copy all his finances and take them wth me to the lawyer. I can believe its come to this but although I am constantly crying with all the emotional heartache I feel I have to be on my toes and one step ahead of him for my daughters sake. His mum and dad are strong church goers (Im also a church member) so if anyone can tell him to work at it they will but since he isnt going to work at it I guess they are supporting him leaving. Goodness knows what stories he has told them. All my friends and family have said not to leave the bed (he gets in after me so its not me jumping into bed with him.) should have mentioned its been nearly a sexless marriage for three years as husband is not interested, in fact no kisses or cuddles. Although I would love to walk out and i would if i didnt have my daughter I am going to have to put up with it. It shard because he has definately being talking to someone - dont know if its the lawyer but when he speaks to me now its not as if Im talking to my husband - all my friends have said the same thing - someone is feeding him on what to say - its really odd. Thanks for the law advice - I didnt even know that so its been very helpful.

Elizabetth Sat 01-Sep-07 14:45:01

I would be suspicious if he is offering to look after your daughter now. He might be trying to build up evidence for a custody dispute - e.g. pretend he is a good father to her.

Why are people telling you not to leave the bed? It must be horrible sleeping beside him. You can easily justify it on the grounds of his emotional cruelty.

I'm sure you are right that someone is feeding him lines. He's probably got a whole line of supporters egging him on. Some people just love attacking women particularly mothers, it's very sad. I would treat this as if you are in a war - be very careful and suspicious about everything but don't let on to him that you know he is your enemy. Good luck. It's a hideous situation to have to deal with.

Beetroot Sat 01-Sep-07 15:04:41

You really should go sleep in the spare room, mad ot sty with him.

He sounds awful adn you should will be so happy once it is over but I guess it will be a long time coming.

Good luck and take care

hellish Sat 01-Sep-07 15:11:00

Don't think you will risk anything by going to sleep in the spare room, leaving the house may be a different matter.

Is he going to challenge you for main residence of your dd??

Don't stay with him, your daughter will not thank you for it and she's young enough too accept change without too much trauma (IMO).
Good luck, stay strong, keep talking to friends and family.

bubblagirl Sat 01-Sep-07 15:28:36

if he has been emotionally abusing you why would you want to change for him to stay surely he is the one who needs to change and if he has been this bad then why would you want him to stay

you and your dd would be better without that sort of stress

move yourself into spare room as its not you who has done wrong and shouldn't feel the need to want to change his mind if he has been horrible maybe he has realised the relationship isn't as it should be

sell the house and start again with money from it keep your chin up there is a brighter future for you with a mn who will not mentally abuse you be happy for you and your daughter

Tortington Sat 01-Sep-07 18:50:53

i hope everything gets better for you one way or another soon - let us know updates

Gizmo100 Mon 03-Sep-07 20:51:25

Hi Thought I would give an update since u have all been supportive and this infor might help others in Scotland. Met the lawyer today at womens aid and she was great - my mum came with me. She explained that he did have the right to stay in the house but most people move out. She couldf send a letter saying it was distressing but he still didnt need to move out. If I can prove that it was affecting myself and my daughters mental health it would to court and they would decide. Although I want him desperately out of the house I dont want to go to the court. I will get 50% of proceeds of house, all pensions, savngs shares etc are tallied up together and then the joint debts deducted then we have the figure to be split 50/50. I can argue that since I am having to leave an area that I cannot afford to buy in as a single parent i may get more than 50% of the house - I might to do this. He is seeing his lawyer properly on Wednesday so i think things are going to get nasty. He is being a complete pig to stay with and its him that doesnt want to be married anymore. I am moving into the spare room tonight. I am gradually acceptng what is going on day by day. I also want to sell the house asap because for my own mental health and also the property markets will lull shortly in the autumn. Then he said he has lots to do to the house b4 it goes o the market. He is still controlling although he doesnt want to be with us!!!!!
Just posted this if anyone else in the future is in the same position

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