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Major fallout with dad over a birthday card

(107 Posts)
lilly0102 Tue 28-Jan-20 06:52:45

Tensions with my dad reached fever pitch and I lost my temper with him yesterday on his birthday.
I've been going through a hard time at work and in life and he text me on Friday saying hope you remembered to get me a birthday card ( I forgot once one year 4 years ago )
Yesterday morning I went to get him one after I dropped DD at school. At 1pm I had passive aggressive text saying you haven't sent me a text or posted my birthday card yet.
So I felt really miffed as the day isn't over at 1pm said I would drop it off and come over after I picked DD up.
I gave the card to my dad and he opened it the look on his face because there was no money or giftcard inside (I'm skint and dad earns more than 50k)
DD went to the loo and Dad just started to let rip at me.
So I let rip back ,
There's a past of abuse in my family , it's very dysfunctional and if I question my dad he accuses me of being mad like my mother (they divorced mum has mental illness so I stayed with him until I moved out when I was 17 when his bullying became too much I remind him the most of my mother out of the three of us ) my brother is my dad's favourite and grandson he doesn't even try to hide it, he sees DD a few times a year and has babysat her twice in 7 years after
this row my dad told me to get out and my DD burst into tears.

I feel bad about arguing with my dad on his birthday. I'm now frightened my dad is going to tell my siblings he will twist it and make out I'm mad and just like my mother.

I'm feeling very sad today, I'm not sure how to heal the resentment I feel towards him and the rift.

puds11 Tue 28-Jan-20 06:58:36

Cut him off. He’s clearly a passive aggressive arsehole who made your life miserable. I wonder how much of his behaviour contributed to your mothers mental illness.

Who cares what he says or does. Life is better when it’s minus the wankers.

cauliflowersqueeze Tue 28-Jan-20 06:59:17

He sounds like a massive childish dick.

This is not your fault. Nobody over the age of 8 makes a massive deal about a birthday card like that.

GiveHerHellFromUs Tue 28-Jan-20 07:01:53

He sounds like a huge prick.
I wouldn't worry what he or your brothers think of you.
He's the one with issues here.

Gwilt160981 Tue 28-Jan-20 07:02:23

Give both of yourselves time to calm down before you contact each other again.

CalleighDoodle Tue 28-Jan-20 07:03:44

I think it is shit you didnt get your dad a birthday present. It didnt need to be expensive. You just didnt put the effort in. Which shows because you got the card on the day of the birthday, after he reminded you. Nothing about that is a lie so i dont know how he would twist it and you would feel hard done by.

What did he argue with you about when your dd left the room?

Selfsettling3 Tue 28-Jan-20 07:04:39

You don’t have to spend time with someone who makes you feel bad.

BobbyBlueCat Tue 28-Jan-20 07:07:51

I think it's a bit shit you hadn't even sent a text by 1pm to say Happy Birthday to your dad (and said "we'll bring your card over this afternoon after school as DD wants to see you too", or something).
Just being radio silent until 1pm on a birthday is a bit shitty, if I'm honest.

Of course, only you know the history between you though. But either you're speaking, and therefore act accordingly, or cut him out and you don't have to bother anymore.
But I understand why it would be upsetting if a daughter who is still in contact with a father didn't even send a text on a birthday.
And Poundland do candles/chocolate/craft things for DD to make something at home etc. You didn't have to spend a fortune.

lilly0102 Tue 28-Jan-20 07:11:52

I spent over £500 on christmas presents for my blood relations , I'm not really a big gift giver and I'm not bothered if I don't get anything when it comes to birthdays as adults apart from the milestone birthdays which is very normal DHs family is like that as well .
No he didn't need to remind me I know when his birthday was it was 4 years ago I sent a text instead of a card . I work long shifts and was working the entire weekend and my dad knows this.

He argued really that I didn't make a big fuss of his birthday.

BaronessBomburst Tue 28-Jan-20 07:16:01

I bet if the OP had bought a gift he'd have kicked off about that too though.
I can't be arsed to put in the effort for someone who sends demanding texts and complains about everything.
Did your mother's mental health improve once she'd left him?

Insaneinthemembury Tue 28-Jan-20 07:16:51

He sounds like a massive twat, why do you have people in your life that you let that you like shit?
Did he make a massive fuss on your birthday?
My brother in law never sends anything for his parents birthday, but they dont care because they're grown adults and they otherwise have a good relationship.

lilly0102 Tue 28-Jan-20 07:19:15

This isn't just about a birthday card and he knows that , what I don't like with my dad he doesn't make an effort throughout the year. I have to go see him every time with DD she doesn't even know him that well and he lives 15 minutes away he didn't even come to visit when she was born and she was in SCBU for a week but he could go to see my brother.

pumpkinpie01 Tue 28-Jan-20 07:19:49

He sounds like a stroppy child kicking up a fuss tbh. Yes you could have text in the morning but he doesn't sound like a kind supportive dad anyway so why should you make any more effort than the minimum.

Pixxie7 Tue 28-Jan-20 07:20:35

He sounds pathetic I would just leave it for a few days and the n text him to see how he is.

HowlsMovingBungalow Tue 28-Jan-20 07:23:14

You don't HAVE to do anything.

I would be putting some distance between you and your father. Have some time away from him. What do you get from this relationship? What are the positives?

Bufferingkisses Tue 28-Jan-20 07:23:18

Read up on FOG. It sounds to me like you have been in an abusive or toxic relationship with your dad most of your like and your feelings today show that you are still emotionally tied to him - you feel bad when he's treated you poorly. If my parent treated me the way your father did I'd be astounded because it's not normal. You aren't because it is normal and, even worse, you blame yourself and worry.

Read up on toxic parents and adult relationships with toxic parents, see if any if it resonates with you. flowers

Booberella9 Tue 28-Jan-20 07:24:09

What adult kicks off over a birthday card? Why should you be the one doing aĺl the running. He sounds like a twat. Just because he's related to you does not give him permission to treat you like a slave, property or less than human.

You don't have to continue contact with him or indeed any of the rest of your apparently shitty family.

lilly0102 Tue 28-Jan-20 07:28:16

I know I'm in a toxic relationship with my dad , I had mental health issues as a teen due to mums mental health and dad's controlling behaviour mum left when I was 13.
My dad and brother both started calling me mad so I rang up my psychiatrist for a mental health evaluation , he said I'm definitely not mad just traumatised from what I had been through contacted social services and I was offered independent living accommodation . Leaving there saved my sanity

averythinline Tue 28-Jan-20 07:31:32

You do not have to go...... -what positively is he adding to your life and how horrible for your DD to hear someone be so nasty to you....

so what if he bitches and moans about you.... those that know him will know he's just a nasty man ........

cut yourself free - look on the stately homes thread here and you can get support..see if there is a self refer therapy service near you to help you make sense of things.......

EggysMom Tue 28-Jan-20 07:33:16

OP, i presume your Dad remembers all birthdays and gets both cards and presents to you, your siblings, your children before 1pm on their actual birthday?

Or is this the pot calling the kettle black?

puds11 Tue 28-Jan-20 07:34:19

Ah so your dad hates women and brought your brother up to be like him.

alvinp Tue 28-Jan-20 07:34:45

Your father sounds like a needy pathetic bully. He uses his birthday (and let me guess, any other event he can beat you up about) as a stick to beat you with. It isn't really about the present or the birthday, it's about dominating and bullying you to meet his own pathetic needs. I'd cut contact. Tell him to come back when he can be nice and leave it at that.

MarthasGinYard Tue 28-Jan-20 07:35:14

I'd have just put a card in post.

EnidBlyton Tue 28-Jan-20 07:35:37

Please break away from this relationship,
It is not good for you.

BohoBunney Tue 28-Jan-20 07:35:49

If this was my parents and they knew I was skint and struggling (which I’m assuming OPs dad does) then they would tell me off for even buying a card and to save my money. It’s pathetic that grown ups act like spoilt teenagers on their birthday about presents. I’d rather see someone and spend time with them than get a token tat gift from Poundland (which I’m sure wouldn’t have been good enough either) or get a “decent” gift from someone who is struggling as it puts them in more financial worry.

Personally I would have at least text by 1pm but when you’re working sometimes you don’t have time and if you had planned to go over and see him why exactly did he think you had forgotten about him?

He argued really that I didn't make a big fuss of his birthday.
Pathetic man child. Does he show other narcissistic traits? I suspect there is a long history of this, especially the gaslighting about your mother and your own mental health.

I’d go NC with him (and your brothers if they’re as bad), as he is obviously a cause of trauma in your life. Have you had any counselling long term for this? Just because he is family doesn’t mean you have to put up with the emotional abuse he is putting you from OP. flowers

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