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DH heavily invested in awful friend. Advice please!

(186 Posts)
mrsnec Mon 27-Jan-20 09:38:50

My DH has been friends with a bloke we both used to work with for years. We live in different countries but DH is in contact with this friend daily. Sometimes for hours. He talks about him constantly, discusses our sex life with him has started sending him money and talks about buying him extravagant presents.

This friend has had a tough time of it recently. He was made redundant then his business failed and he has struggled to hold down a job or relationship. He has 3 dc by 2 women but has toxic relationships with both and a criminal record for assault on one of them. He is currently sleeping with 6 different women and on various dating websites and has used drugs and prostitutes. DH doesn't condone his friend's behaviour and says he'd probably be doing the same under the circumstances.

He has told DH he doesn't like me but when he stays here I'm expected to do his washing,cook for him and let him borrow my car and I get little thanks for it.

We don't have many holidays and in the past couple of years they have been trips to the UK which have mainly revolved around him.

The influence he has over my DH is destroying our relationship and I have had enough. I have tried to talk to DH about it but all he says is that I don't have any friends so I wouldn't understand.

HowlsMovingBungalow Mon 27-Jan-20 09:41:21

Your DH would be using drugs and prostitutes if he was single?

AmbitiouslyFit Mon 27-Jan-20 09:43:39

Ur DH is the issue here

PerkyPomPoms Mon 27-Jan-20 09:48:04

DH problem!!

cansu Mon 27-Jan-20 09:49:10

Say you don't like his friend and you no longer want to socialise with him. Tell your dh to see him without you. If he does visit, make plans to be elsewhere or be clear that you will not be lending him your car or waiting on him. I would also be telling your dh you have zero interest in hearing about him.

CakeandCustard28 Mon 27-Jan-20 09:50:03

Your DH is the problem. He clearly lacks respect for you.

Woollycardi Mon 27-Jan-20 09:50:31

It's your husband. His allegiance is to this other man, not you. For your own sanity I would try and get out of this situation.

Woollycardi Mon 27-Jan-20 09:51:39

Yes and for now I would also recommend saying that you no longer want to hear about this friend and that you want to focus on your relationship with your husband.

pinkyredrose Mon 27-Jan-20 09:53:25

Wtf is he sending him money and presents for? Has he some kind of hold over your DH? Stop him staying at your house, surely houseguests need to be approved by both of you, this guy doesn't like you and you don't like him.

Whynosnowyet Mon 27-Jan-20 09:54:54

Ask him if his friend has a spare room.
And help him pack.
No way can you be expected to accept this life op.

Bluerussian Mon 27-Jan-20 09:55:57

What a very weird friendship. I've never come across a man who talks to a friend every day and discusses the sex life he has with his wife. Men generally don't talk about their sex lives at all! It all sounds quit unhealthy and the man sounds horrible - what right does he have to expect you to wait on him, you're not a servant.

I wouldn't entertain him or visit him any more, full stop. What your husband does is up to him but it really is strange.

Please tell, what country does this guy come from (you say he is in the UK and you are not), I only ask because I know most English guys don't talk about their sex lives but it may be different in other cultures; have you been with your husband long, do you have children?

Your husband is disrespectful to you for going along with this man. I couldn't stand it, frankly, and I am generally quite tolerant.

Woollycardi Mon 27-Jan-20 09:58:16

Oh yes, sorry I didn't even register that...are you even ok with him discussing your sex life with this friend?

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 27-Jan-20 09:58:17

Its not you, its your husband. I would look into planning my exit from this marriage.

What hold does this Svengali type figure has over your H?. Why does he feel such a need to be this man's rescuer and or saviour here?. That is a question he should be answering here but I guess he will not be truthful to his own self let alone anyone else.

Bartlet Mon 27-Jan-20 10:00:54

How bizarre. This is not a normal or healthy friendship. There is no way I’d have someone stay in my house and borrow my car if he was openly disrespectful or rude to me. Have you spelled out your feelings clearly to your dh?

sarahjconnor Mon 27-Jan-20 10:02:03

Why is he staying in your house if he 'doesn't like' you? Why do you put up with this treatment OP?

fedup21 Mon 27-Jan-20 10:04:20

Your DH sounds vile.

mrsnec Mon 27-Jan-20 10:07:20

Yes we have DC. Two pre-schoolers.

Both DH and the friend are as English as you like and insist normal people discuss their sex lives all the time.

DH doesn't condone his friend's behaviour because he said he might have been driven to it under the circumstances.

DH says this guy would be there for us and everyone puts themselves out for their friends and I should give him a chance.

CakeandCustard28 Mon 27-Jan-20 10:09:39

He’s clearly not there for you though if he treats you like a skivvy staying in your home. My DH wouldn’t dare discuss our sex life with his mates, that’s just vile and disrespectful. I would honestly refuse to have the “friend” stay at your home or allow him to borrow your car. I would honestly plan to leave your DH.

HelloYouTwo Mon 27-Jan-20 10:11:04

It sounds as though your DH is in a relationship with this man.

AmbitiouslyFit Mon 27-Jan-20 10:11:05

Arghhh I’m getting angry josh thinking how it feels like to be in your shoes

Give ultimatum OP. Or insist to not have anything to do with said friend and stay in your room when he visits

AutumnRose1 Mon 27-Jan-20 10:11:10

Um, I know you can’t always like your partner’s friends but you have a DH problem here.

Bibbiditybobbidy Mon 27-Jan-20 10:13:48

Another for it's your DH that's the issue...

IntermittentParps Mon 27-Jan-20 10:14:35

when he stays here I'm expected to do his washing,cook for him and let him borrow my car
Well, he can expect away, as Bernard Black would say. If he continues to stay (and I'd personally put a stop to it), stop washing and cooking for him and don't let him borrow your car. Tell your DH in advance that if he invites the friend to stay, your car will not be available and DH will be responsible for all hosting duties.

Inforthelonghaul Mon 27-Jan-20 10:15:05

Nope there’s a line and for me what you’ve described is where it is. You or the friend, both isn’t an option.

Equanimitas Mon 27-Jan-20 10:16:48

Both DH and the friend are as English as you like and insist normal people discuss their sex lives all the time

Does he discuss his sex life with anyone else? Can he name any other "normal" person who is constantly discussing his sex life?

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