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Living with in-laws hell

(97 Posts)
pinkflower20 Sun 26-Jan-20 13:55:36

Hello everyone,

I'm really upset and I don't have anyone to talk to about this. I don't even know if I'm looking for a solution or just want to rant. A bit of both actually, and I was wondering if anyone has gone through the same thing,.

I'll try to simplify this all, but sorry if it's long.

I moved in with my in-laws a few months ago.
I didn't want to move in but we had to for financial reasons. I was upset about it when we decided to leave, but my husband assured me that everything would be fine, and that things would stay the same between us. I was mostly concerned with decreasing time between us, him always wanting to spend time with them, and also our sex life, as well as them dictating when we do in our spare time, and giving him jobs to do. I wanted to be able to look after him as well - by making him breakfast on the weekend and cooking for him. He reassured me that everything would be ok, and that if there were any issues he would resolve them and make me happy.

Don't get me wrong, I don't dislike his parents, but I'm finding it really hard to live with them.

Our sex life is ok, and has't really changed. But the amount of time I spend with him has. It's not really quality time, and it's nearly always interrupted by his parents having to talk to us about something or needing him to do a DIY task around the house.
We don't have time just to relax with eachother, in the mornings after waking up we used to chat but now he just runs up and is offered breakfast by his parents and takes it up. I feel sad because as we both work we used to have breakfast together on the weekend and I used to make it for him. Now I'm worried that whatever is cooked by anyone else he'll want to eat and I won't have that feeling of pride anymore.
I feel as though I can't look after him as much as I would like to. I've spoken to him about this and he doesn't understand. He thinks I just want him to eat the same thing as me. In a way yes I do, because I think it's nice to do that, but it's also nice to feed someone and relax over food. Now we hardly eat together, and his mum expects to cook and clean for him, and my father in law told me 'well realistically how much time will you get to cook anyway because you are studying after work'. Which isn't really fair as that's my business.

I feel irritated as well because there was an incident where my father in law thought I wasn't home and came into the bedroom without knocking ( he wanted to speak to my husband). Normally we lock the door but hadn't that time. I felt irritated and told my husband this, but he said that don't worry these things happen, and I said no not really - I could have been getting changed.

The washing machine hadn't been plugged in and I left our washing downstairs in front of the machine, waiting for father in law to wake up and plug it in for me. Meanwhile I went out, and when I came back the washing was sorted out - some clothes had been taken out and set aside - and mother in laws had added clothes and she had put the wash load on. I told them both later that they should have just left it, and what they suggested to me was to not leave it downstairs as they like to be extra helpful. I just feel uncomfortable because I didn't leave it there for fun. I was waiting for them, and i feel like I should be able to leave things without them being touched as it's my home as well. This also happened with a bag of toiletries and shampoo items I had. They had sorted them out into boxes for me, and didn't even understand that I just wanted them left there. I mean I don't go through there things and as soon as I ask them not to its "im sorry we were just being helpful". Which I understand but they keep doing it and my husband doesn't take my side.

I have a house cat as well, and my in-laws always make comments about how he's bored inside and should be outside chasing mice.
When they know that I have a phobia of mice because they are dirty. Me and my husband decided that he would be an indoor cat - I've told them this and to please stop making comments about this, ,but they don't stop. It's irritating me and I feel like just giving my cat away,

My food had also been eaten, and that was my lunch for the week which I pre-brought. I was irritated because the main items such as bread eggs and milk, sharing that is ok, but stuff that I use individually every day is not, as I'll have to go out and buy that again because I'll need it for lunch at work.
It's irritating though.. for example if I buy a packet of crisps and dip to eat on a day when i want to relax and watch a film, and its already half eaten and gobbled it puts me off.
As usual husband didn't understand and just said to me don't worry i'll just get more. I said its not about that, its about convenience, I buy this stuff so I don't have to go and buy it everyday after work because that's a waste of time.

I'm just used to my own personal space, and own clean kitchen and not seeing them everyday. I dread going downstairs now - I spend most of my time in my room.

I feel upset because I feel like he spends all his time doing jobs with his dad or drinking tea with his parents. There's never any time to have a coffee with me anymore... it just seems like they are favoured the most. I feel really upset here and I want to leave but we don't have enough money. My in-laws have said that they'll buy my husband a house after a year, I know it's generous of them but i` don't really want to owe them any favours, they may however buy one right next door which I don't want. I'm not sure when they'll buy also, it's meant to be in a years time - but what scares me is if were stuck here for longer than a year. I just don't know what to do.

I just feel like second best and can't seem to get comfortable here. I don't feel like myself and I don't know how to feel better as no one is listening to me or caring about how I feel, I feel really trapped. I really love my husband but he seems to be blinded. I feel like a piece of fluff on the side. I just want things to go back to how they were before. I don't actually have any children yet, and I have no friends and family to visit. I can't seem to make any too, have tried online etc. Honestly I feel so upset and it's not getting better.

Sadiee88 Sun 26-Jan-20 14:16:26

Get yourself a mini fridge & portable DVD player or tablet of iPad
Your in their house, so their rules. I think they’re pretty accommodating to have your cat (please don’t get rid of the cat!)
How long are you living with them for?

Sadiee88 Sun 26-Jan-20 14:17:30

Can’t you go out with your oh instead of staying in?
Join a club?

Howyiz Sun 26-Jan-20 14:18:57

So move out!
You want to treat their house like your own but it isn't, you are a guest. Don't leave your stuff around the place. If you can't do the washing because the machine isn't plugged in, take your stuff back to your room.
You sound like a right pain in the ass!

livefornaps Sun 26-Jan-20 14:22:25

Complete whinger alert.

My bet is that you're squirelling away a nice little deposit for your own house while you are admiteddly slightly irked but not paying a fucking penny.

I would tell you to fuck off out of my house. After eating all your lunches. Baha!

CuriousaboutSamphire Sun 26-Jan-20 14:25:08

Your DH is living with his mum and dad. It is what he considers normal. It is not your normal, you will never feel fully relaxed because of that.

How long will you be there?

Why are they buying your DH a house?

It is probably going to continue to cause friction between the two of you and your DH won't see it the same way you do. You need to be really clear with each other about your expectations and personal boundaries.

kalinkafoxtrot45 Sun 26-Jan-20 14:25:52

Your PILs really do not sound bad at all. You come over as stressing out over every little niggle. I get that not having your own place is difficult and magnifies every little annoyance, but you either need to put up with it or move out.

letsdolunch321 Sun 26-Jan-20 14:27:25

You firstly should be very thankful your in-laws are being accommodating, if I had my son back living with me I would also ask him to help out with jobs.

A pp suggested buying a fridge, yes totally agree with that.

Regards the cat, your in-laws are possibly hacked off with the smell of the litter tray in the house.

Try to see the bigger picture regards your post OP.

Quartz2208 Sun 26-Jan-20 14:29:00

Op what do you with your day? I agree with kalinka they dont sound that bad but you sound like you are stressing over things

Tinyhumansurvivalist Sun 26-Jan-20 14:32:18

Sorry but I think you are being a bit silly.

Is there a reason you couldn't have plugged the washing machine in yourself?

And primarily you have a husband problem. It an in-laws problem

Grow up, move out and stop sponging if it bothers you so much. Frankly they would like they are trying to be helpful

pinkflower20 Sun 26-Jan-20 14:32:27


I understand helping out and doing jobs, but when it takes up your whole weekend every weekend then I find that very unfair.

It's not even the smell, the litter tray in in an outbuilding type thing, They just don't like the idea of him being an inside pet, because even in our last place they used to want us to let him out.

pinkflower20 Sun 26-Jan-20 14:35:28


I couldn't plug it in because the plug was behind it and I couldn't drag it out as it was way to heavy for me to carry, otherwise I would have hust done it!

I would rather live elsewhere, and I wouldn't mind paying myself, but at the moment I am training and I don't have a wage. My husband works but we are paying off debts. If I had a wage then I'd rather move out. We are paying in laws rent as well.

Lailaha Sun 26-Jan-20 14:36:14

You sound both incredibly hard work and incredibly precious. How much are you paying them to live there?

pinkflower20 Sun 26-Jan-20 14:36:28


I actually spend most of the day at work, and only weekends at home. I try to go out and go for walks but doesn't really help.

Lailaha Sun 26-Jan-20 14:37:46

And why are you training if you have debts? It's a luxury to put this above paid employment, and even more so when you are already in debt.

pinkflower20 Sun 26-Jan-20 14:39:30

I know he must consider it normal, but what I don't like is that our relationship is suffering. I feel that he should be able to make a compromise as he's not single living with his parents anymore.

I don't despise my PIL. I actually like them as people, but I find that the lack of boundaries is annoying. I know they love having their son living with them though.

DoctorManhattan Sun 26-Jan-20 14:39:33

Tbh your in-laws Sounds like generally helpful, friendly and accommodating people - not like some of the toxic ones I’ve bread about on here.

You don’t say anything very positive about them giving you somewhere to live, or offering to help with your washing, or anything else they have done for you. You are putting a negative slant on everything.

I get that we all like our own space, but you chose to move in there with them. I’m sure they like their own space too, and now they no longer have it. Maybe start showing some gratitude instead of sounding like they have somehow been persecuting you.

converseandjeans Sun 26-Jan-20 14:39:53

Sorry but it's their house & you're in their space. They sound fine & hospitable. I wouldn't want a house cat in my home. You're getting free rent and you're moaning they ate a bag of crisps & dip?!
Maybe schedule some dates with DH - go out for brunch.

pinkflower20 Sun 26-Jan-20 14:40:54

I finished uni and I'm doing a year training and will start a paid job next year. My husband got debts as he was out of work for periods of time due to illness and couldn't pay bills.

Hiphopopotamus Sun 26-Jan-20 14:42:43

I usually agree with people finding it difficult to live with their in-laws but you sound ridiculous! I suggest you get some validation in your life that doesn’t just come from cooking food for your OH! It’s your in laws home, not yours and they actually sound fine. You left a pile of laundry downstairs next to the machine and they did it - it’s not like they came rooting through your room for your dirty underwear!

pinkflower20 Sun 26-Jan-20 14:44:21


They would have loved for their son to live with them years ago, so I don't think it's any hassle to them.
We each have our own living room, and my mother in law had said that we will have our personal space, although I feel as though I haven't got it. MIL and FIl have had a crap marriage and don't really get on, or spend any time with each-other and argue all the time, that's why I feel that they don't understand that me and husband might want to spend some time with each-other.

pinkflower20 Sun 26-Jan-20 14:45:07


Well TBH my MIL has actually done that before, now that you mention it.

Mintjulia Sun 26-Jan-20 14:48:38

OP, I really feel for you. I can't think of anything worse than having no private time. Is there any way you can get a part time job to clear the debts quicker.

PILs are kind to offer you a home but I understand your misery. flowers

KatherineJaneway Sun 26-Jan-20 14:51:28

The eating of your food is annoying but sounds like the rest of them are as happy as Larry. It'll be hard to get him to move out, be prepared.

Iflyaway Sun 26-Jan-20 14:51:35

I couldn't plug it in because the plug was behind it and I couldn't drag it out as it was way to heavy for me to carry, otherwise I would have hust done it!

I don't get this. When the plug has fallen behind the machine I get a coat hanger and drag the plug out that way, no need to move the machine!

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