DP lying

[y0rkier0se]

Posting here because I’m feeling far too sensitive for AIBU. Backstory: both my father and my stepfather cheated on my mother with people they met at work, so I accept that I might be a little bit unreasonably paranoid.

I am mid 20s and DP and I have been together since we were 15 and have lived together for the last 7 years, we bought the house we currently live in 4 years ago and have two dogs, both professional jobs. The problem is DP lies. Sometimes it’s really stupid stuff like I’ll say did you do a load of washing and he’ll say yes, I know he didn’t because I know what washing there is. When I confront him about it he laughs it off. He started mentioning a girl from work frequently, and stupidly I looked through his phone one day. All messages were nothing but friendly, no concerns, but I noticed he’d lied to her about falling the down stairs so couldn’t go in to work. Coincidentally, he’d told me that he had a day off which he’d forgotten that he’d booked off. So he’s obviously lied to work to get the day off. Today, he told me some story about being sent home which I didn’t believe, I jested a bit and said come on that can’t be real, he insisted it was. We were just sat on the sofa and his phone flashed up “Is she ok? Are you home from hospital yet?” I asked wtf that was about and he tried dismissing it as “It doesn’t matter”. I said it obviously does, what have you lied about? And he said he did really get sent home from work but he was supposed to do something for someone which he didn’t have time to do so lied and said I was ill. I don’t swallow it all. I’m sat in bed crying because I’ve just realised I don’t trust him at all and is there any wonder? I know it’s only work but what if he loses his job over his attendance when we have a mortgage to pay? I’ve posted pictures on social media tonight, someone from his work could’ve seen them and would know I’m not in hospital. I don’t know if I’m over reacting or whether people are going to say LTB but how when it’s all you’ve ever known, your family love him & you’re financially tied? I don’t know what to do.

[frickinlaserbeams]

Could it be borderline personality disorder? Have you spoken to him about how his lying/not being honest makes you feel? I'd have an honest chat with him, maybe suggest counselling together.

[CooCooCoo]

This is worrying. These kind of lies grow and embed themselves in day to day life.

[Aloe6]

Jesus get out now while you still can. Being financially tied is easily severed, unlike once you have a family with him. You can’t trust a word he says.

[mamato3lads]

Its immature and potentially embarrassing if caught out- not to mention risking his job with these lies. Do you trust him in other ways ? Is he a flirt? Are you concerned about this girl he keeps mentioning ? Thing is if he is the sort of person who casually lies about everything and anything then how the hell can u trust a word that comes out of his mouth ?

[BumbleBeee69]

Lies start small... then they grow confidence and get bigger... before you know it.. the trust is gone..

[HollowTalk]

You can't trust him. It doesn't matter how much your family love him. If you stay with him his lies will grow and grow and could affect you in so many ways. Better to get out now. You're young. You can sell the house. If you stay with him you'll feel like you're going mad with all the lies.

[MadeForThis]

That's not normal health behaviour.

[Windmillwhirl]

I'm sorry, but I think you should leave him as well. It's all very bizarre and the trust is clearly gone.

[SandyY2K]

I don't think he's the only person who has lied and taken a day off sick.... but I don't see why he lied to you about it.

With the washing...he might feel bad he hasn't done it...perhaps try
phrasing it as a reminder and not a question. Something like... "Don't forget to do the washing", rather than "Have you done the washing?"

His last lie was very silly and he could have been found out... it's very annoying to tell silly pointless lies where you would look awful if you get found out.

[lillypainter]

I would be very concerned about the way he lies so easily. I had an ex that was exactly like that and it drove me crazy and was toxic. You can't trust that sort of behaviour. If it's worth saving I'd seek couples counselling.

[PurpleTrilby]

You have only ever known this, but my God, when you break free you will wonder what took you so long. Trust me on this.

[PurpleTrilby]

PS, I say that as someone who hung on to a fucking smack head for about 4 years too long. Could be worse, at least you have a house to sell. Take care x

[Whatsnewpussyhat]

Sell up, split any equity and move on.
You have grown up whilst he clearly has not.

[category12]

He sounds compulsive. Would he agree to therapy?

I suppose you couldn't trust him to actually go if he did.

[yesterdaystotalsteps123]

If your partner can't see the effect his lies have on you, that's very worrying. My stbxh lied about much more serious stuff but I stupidly thought sitting down telling him how it devastated me and was potentially relationship ending was enough to get him to change. It wasn't and the lies big and small eat away at your trust, self respect and love. It's perfectly ok for this to be a deal breaker for you. Like people have said, he's unlikely to change despite the fact it's making you question your whole relationship

[y0rkier0se]

Hi, sorry to update late, we had a very frank conversation last night where I told him this is a deal breaker for me. He was upset and said he’d only lied because he hates his job but he didn’t want me to worry, and he says he’s embarrassed because I have a much stronger work ethic than him (which is true - his mum is v. lazy). I told him I needed some space and said I was going to my mums and he was mortified and said he didn’t think it was a big deal but hadn’t seen it from my point of view about little lies meaning I can’t trust him. He has promised it won’t happen again, I’ve told him if it does then we’re over and I mean it - I’ve promised myself. In every other way he’s lovely - kind, gentle, funny - it’s just the lies.

[Whynosnowyet]

Get out now. He will just get worse. You allowing the lies to flow will give him the bottle to make them bigger...
Imagine him as a df...

[Yeahnah2020]

Sounds like he has a personality disorder. I had an exbf who lied all the time about silly things.

[category12]

While he's sorry, get him to agree to therapy. This is something he's learnt to do and it's deeply engrained. He's not just going to promise to stop and succeed.

[Pinkette06]

Well done op. Stick to this. Even if Its a tiny lie call it out straight away so he knows you've noticed he's still doing it, but hopefully he will try to change...

[Opentooffers]

If this is a recent behaviour pattern, perhaps this could be a stress reaction to being unhappy with his job. Hiding at home is not going to help, he needs to find a new job before he gets found out and sacked. Now you know why he's unhappy, a discussion about how he can move forward could help