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DH attitude to my inheritance

(352 Posts)
Boringista Tue 21-Jan-20 11:36:49

I inherited a sum of money a while ago. I work part time and DH (Main earner) works full time

Since I came into receipt of this, DH has stopped paying the mortgage, and said I should pay the mortgage off using the inheritance money. I didn’t want to pay it all off, but instead paid off a lump sum towards it and have been paying the monthly payments out of the remainder for the past 5 months.

We have separate bank accounts, with all the bills coming out of mine. He pays in a set amount each month towards bills (minus the amount for the mortgage).

I don’t think this is very fair but he says I’m being selfish not to (pay the mortgage).

I have spent some of my money on him also buying gifts and a holiday, so don’t think I’ve been selfish.

I have bought a nice watch and several items of jewellery for myself, as I wanted to have something in memory of the person who left me the money.

What do others think?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy Tue 21-Jan-20 11:42:08

Well, it depends if you see your finances as joint/family or separate/what's mine is mine and what's yours is yours. I suppose. The fact that you have separate bank accounts suggests the latter.

Why do you not both pay 50/50 towards the mortgage? Or has he paid it all until now?

What is he doing with the money he'd normally be paying into the mortgage? What happens if he inherits some money? Would some of this go towards the mortgage?

Do you have DC?

Sorry, lots of questions!

Glitterb Tue 21-Jan-20 11:42:34

I think the inheritance is your money, not his! How would he behave if it was the other way around?
It’s not like he hasn’t gained anything from the money!

TooleyVanDooley Tue 21-Jan-20 11:44:53

This is MN, his money is family money and your money is your’s grin

TeenPlusTwenties Tue 21-Jan-20 11:44:57

Paying off the mortgage is often many people's top priority as it gives a feeling of security.
Why are you feeling you would prefer to spend it on gifts, a holiday and several items of jewellery rather than give yourselves that security? Paying off the mortgage would give security and free up income for more 'treats' in day to day life.

I'm guessing there is something else going on?

billy1966 Tue 21-Jan-20 11:46:39

He does not sound nice.
It does not sound like you have a healthy relationship.

This does not sound like it has come from nowhere.

It sounds like he wants you to be dependent on him.

Do you feel loved and valued.

Is he a good husband and father.

If not. Keep your money and use it to get out.

You keep your money in a divorce unless it's used for a marital asset, I believe I have read on here.

Sounds like he wants the money to be put into the marital asset.

Think hard and protect yourself if necessary.

Boringista Tue 21-Jan-20 11:47:41

There wouldn’t be any money for treats if mortgage paid off. I earn practically nothing and DH does what he likes with his money.

He pays about 60% of bills and I pay 40%.

Mandarinfish Tue 21-Jan-20 11:48:17

Paying off the mortgage sounds like a sensible idea, but I don't like the way he has approached this - him telling you what to do, rather than a joint conversation about the pros and cons of possible options. Is he always very bossy?

What will happen to the money that he saves from this scenario?

OpheliaBalthasar Tue 21-Jan-20 11:48:47

It really depends on how much money you have inherited imo. If it’s hundreds of thousands then I think you’re being unreasonable. If it’s just a small amount then I can see your point of view.

Mandarinfish Tue 21-Jan-20 11:49:10

Cross posts. You have more problems here than just your inheritance OP. He is financially abusing you.

billy1966 Tue 21-Jan-20 11:49:13

What is he doing with the mortgage money?
What percentage of bills does he pay?

misspiggy19 Tue 21-Jan-20 11:49:23

@billy1966 hysterical much?

OP why are you working part time?

Boringista Tue 21-Jan-20 11:49:48

Mandarin- I don’t know. We have separate accounts. He does what he likes with whatever he has left over after paying his share of bills.

StLucia4 Tue 21-Jan-20 11:50:07

I would’ve expected a discussion between you both as to how best to use the money. You’ve paid a lump sum towards the mortgage which is great but why has he stopped paying without discussion.
You’ve also spent money on him. What more does he want. Sounds jealous and obviously thinks you should use the bulk or All of it on the mortgage.
Ask him what his thoughts are.

Boringista Tue 21-Jan-20 11:50:15

Working PT dye to health unable to work full time.

LemonTT Tue 21-Jan-20 11:50:41

In your position I would pay down the mortgage as much as possible to secure family finances for the future. Yes, to taking a bit out to buy something nice (does it need to be expensive?) and maybe a holiday. But I wouldn’t want to fritter it away on luxuries when it could go on a basic debt that attracts lot of interest over time. No point in using it to pay off the mortgage slowly. That’s a waste of money.

To be honest I would be fairly unimpressed by your attitude and behaviour. It would lead to me redefining how I contribute to family finances in the future. Which is what your husband has done.

billy1966 Tue 21-Jan-20 11:50:59

So he's financially abusing you.

60/40 says it all.

Get a solicitor and use this money to get out.

Stop spending money on "things" and use it to get out.

MoonlightBonnet Tue 21-Jan-20 11:51:30

I think paying off the mortgage is generally a good thing for your finances. But is sounds like your DH is actually financially abusive? You pay 40% of the bills even though you earn much less and then he does what he wants with his money? How is your relationship otherwise?

BigSandyBalls2015 Tue 21-Jan-20 11:51:31

My DH has inherited money in the past, and so I have I. We both immediately saw this as 'family money' - goes into a joint pot and we discuss what to do with it. You're married, seems odd to have separate money like this, I don't get it.

Antihop Tue 21-Jan-20 11:51:38

I am of the opinion that families should share money. When dp and I have inherited, we've decided together what to do.

But it sounds to me that your h is bullying you, and that the way you manage your finances is unfair and you're the one losing out.

TeenPlusTwenties Tue 21-Jan-20 11:52:19

So is the problem really that you don't normally have equal 'spends' (so you want to treat yourself and have a safety net)?

PicsInRed Tue 21-Jan-20 11:53:01

I earn practically nothing and DH does what he likes with his money. He pays about 60% of bills and I pay 40%.

There it is. He's financially coercive and controlling. He controls you using the poverty he subjects you to.

How much was the inheritance?
Would it help with solicitor bills in the event of divorce?

Don't merge the money. Keep it where he cant get to it and clean the account out. Yes, it will go into the pot in the event of divorce - but it can also be used by you to pay living costs and solicitors if/when he abandons you. He's already stopped paying the mortgage - see what I mean?

How much was it? Has leaving him now become financially feasible?

Boringista Tue 21-Jan-20 11:53:26


AgnusandMagnus Tue 21-Jan-20 11:53:43

It really doesn't matter what we think. Couples structure their financial lives all sorts of different ways. What do you think is fair? Then you need to hash it out with him. Working yourself up over random people's opinions on the Internet isn't going help.

frazzledasarock Tue 21-Jan-20 11:54:01

How is your relationship overall?

I would see paying mortgage off as priority. Are you named on the house and mortgage?

He needs to pay at least half towards the mortgage.

Do you have children together?

I think you need to have everything split fifty fifty.

The way we do it is we each put in a specific amount in our joint account leaving the same amount each for personal money and money left in joint account at end of month is swept into savings account.

I must say I never expected DP to give me his inheritance. But I guess it depends on how much you have and also on your relationship.

Don’t let money break you up, but if he feels he is owed the money your relationship isn’t going to last anyway.

If you have a significant amount left put it in an investment that you can’t touch for a few years. Then give your marriage a long hard think.

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