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Women after my DH, what to do?

(36 Posts)
SmileysPeeples Thu 30-Aug-07 15:25:47

My Dh is a tutor at a uni. One of his (much younger, but still 29yrs) students seems to have developed a crush on him.

She sends him emails at home and I don't think she realises we share our email account and read each others emails.

There's nothing too obvious in them, they are just a bit too friendly, and Dh and I have talkled about how she is quite a lonely woman.

She asked him to go out for a drink after a supervision session and I actaully encouraged him to go as I felt sorry for her.

Now she has emailed him and asked him to go round to her new house for a cup of tea.

I know my DH is not interested but I'm now beginning to feel a bit miffed with her.

Should I just allow and trust my Dh to deal with this professionally? He says he is just going to be very cold with her, as he does not want to give her any mixed messages from now on.

I'm feeling like I want to email her back, tell her we share our email account and that I don't think it's apprpriate for my dh to go around to her house.

I do tend to react impulsively to things, would that reaction be OTT?

CountessDracula Thu 30-Aug-07 15:28:44

"he does not want to give her any mixed messages from now on"

So is he saying he has been giving them in the past?

What is your gut feeling?
You could ask him to tell her that it is not appropriate (is it appropriate though?)

ConnorTraceptive Thu 30-Aug-07 15:29:14

I wouldn't email her yet, your dh needs to distance himself and decline any further invitations. She may have got the wrong impression when he agreed to go for a drink with her which in fairness isn't her fault.

Your dh needs to send a clear message that their relationship is strictly student/tutor.

maisemor Thu 30-Aug-07 15:30:56

Is he actually going to go to her place for that cup of tea. I would not like that.

It might be different for Professors but my husband, as a teacher is not allowed to give out any kind of email address, phone number, or address to his students.

maisemor Thu 30-Aug-07 15:31:33

Sorry just re-read that he is a Tutor, even so.

SmileysPeeples Thu 30-Aug-07 15:36:33

I think going for a drink with her (with my encouragment) could have sent her the wrong message.

He thinks he now needs to only respond to work related questions in emails (ignore holiday chat etc) delay response to her emails and is DEFINITELY not going to her house.

Is is inapprpriate for tutors to vist students houses or am I being OTT, and it's reasobale for adults to socialise like this?

I've lost perspective and become confused.

Bluestocking Thu 30-Aug-07 15:37:30

Maise, if you work in a university, your e-mail address is available to everyone else in the university, and it's a perfectly normal way for staff and students to communicate with each other.
OP, I don't think you should write to this woman - I am sure you can trust your husband to be suitably chilly and distant with her.

thomcat Thu 30-Aug-07 15:37:51

Why doesn't he just stell her straight that visiitng her at home is unprofessional and not on, not to mention the fact that he is happily married?

SmileysPeeples Thu 30-Aug-07 15:39:13

Lots of his students email him at home, it's just her emails seemed too friendly.

I knew this would happen when he started tutoring, he's good looking and a really nice guy that will be kind. It was just a matter of time before one of them fell for him.

I told him so.

zippitippitoes Thu 30-Aug-07 15:42:44

lots of tutors encourage this sort of attention as it is flattering..I think it is up to him to behave in such a way that it isn't possible for anyone to feel comfortable over stepping the mark

SmileysPeeples Thu 30-Aug-07 15:54:36

I don't think my Dh is the type is generally encourage this type of thing, but I know what you mean there were always some tutors who enjoyed the power and adoration that went with it.

I think she is quite an unhappy and lonely woman at the moment, which makes me (and him) fear a potential fixation type scenario(worst case).

zippitippitoes Thu 30-Aug-07 16:04:28

I think you do get this transference thing, nip it in the bud but it is his job not yours..

macneil Thu 30-Aug-07 16:09:54

It can seem amusing when you're married to one, but university teachers are particularly susceptible to attracting crushes. It's not just that the student is constantly seeking the tutor/prof's approval, or that the students might be at a vulnerable point in their lives, away from home for the first time, it's also that in real life, men don't tend to listen to you in the same way about your dull thesis and tell you 'Yes! That's right, you're very clever!' As long as you and your husband talk about it, discuss everything she sends when it comes in, and keep a sense of humour, you really shouldn't do anything else. It would be inappropriate for you to contact her, and really, it might even give her some sense of having made an impact.

I've recently been reading my university diary and I had a SHAMEFUL crush on some poor sap, and had to read about the DICK I made of myself at a ball when he arrived with a girl and I still didn't leave him alone all night. He behaved well enough to give me the message. So will your husband. Don't worry. (Argh, cringe, I was such a cock, though.)

maisemor Thu 30-Aug-07 16:51:56

Yeahhh but that is an email address given to you from the university, to be used only for university related subjects.

You are not allowed to give out your home email address which by the sounds of it he has done if he shares it with you!!? Or did I misunderstand something here?

cestlavie Thu 30-Aug-07 17:31:41

As I recall it was certainly not uncommon for students and tutors to fraternise socially at university. Certain of the younger/ friendlier tutors would occasionally join us for a few drinks in the bar or local pubs, especially on a Friday.

I think with mature students (as she is) this was definitely the case - one of my friends is a senior lecturer and goes for drinks with one or more of his post-grad students so your DH wasn't acting out of the ordinary in having a drink with her.

That being said my friend gets quite a lot of crushes, despite not being the best looking chap, he is very bright and funny. I also remember when I was at uni, quite a few (attractive, vivacious, young) female friends having ridiculous crushes on (older, unattractive, intelligent) tutors! I suspect it's just one of those things that has and will always go on...

In your case, it doesn't sound like DH has done anything wrong, and is going exactly the right thing in backing off and setting boundaries now it's become apparent she has a thing for him. If he does, as you say he's doing, then all seems fine to me. To be honest, it's probably pretty annoying from his perspective - my friend hates these things happening as it means he can't get on with certain students in is normal friendly way/ can't go out for drinks if they're in that group etc.

Bex24 Thu 30-Aug-07 20:33:42

Yeah I think it probably is inappropriate to go to her house, and he could say so to her, gently of course. Not the drink tho, like cestlavie says tutors quite often have a beer with students. But it sounds like she'd read something into anything he did if she has a crush on him so yeah, very cool and professional from now on.

I don't think you should emaiil her it would probably really shame her and make things pretty uncomfortable at uni for them both...

Might be quite fun though if you were in a slightly evil mood wink

Beenleigh Thu 30-Aug-07 20:38:46

Why don't you email her and act all innocent and fluffy, could say something along the lines of:
Hi, this is **'s wife, we share an email account. He's not here right now, and I keep forgetting to pass the email on to him, sorry for the delay will do so tonight.

That should convey the message that she shouldn;t email him whilst giving the impression you're blissfully secure and happy in your relationship

morningpaper Thu 30-Aug-07 20:42:36

I think as long as he is aware and behaves appropriately, then you shouldn't worry. It's just the dizzy lecturers with their heads in the clouds that are a bit of a liability because they are surprised when some attractive young woman pops her hands down their trousers. hmm

He sounds like a sensible chap, please don't worry.

As others have said, lecturers and students mix socially all the time - it's all part of the learning process! I think that all of my lecturers were either at my house or out to dinner with me while I was at uni (I was a Big Swot though)

SmileysPeeples Thu 30-Aug-07 21:09:51

I'm not actually woried somethiong would go on as Dh has been very open about her and actually finds her quite odd.

I was just feeling cross and territorial that some student thinks she could get involved with my DH...cuse me I'm his wife and we're very happy thank you!!

I did want to send a snotty email but am glad I resisted, I must rise above it.

Might follow your suggestion though Beenleigh if it continues.

franch Thu 30-Aug-07 21:13:16

I agree with thomcat, he should tell her gently but unambiguously that, as her tutor and a very happily married man, it would be inappropriate for him to visit her at home - then entertain no further discussion and stick strictly to business

Hurlyburly Thu 30-Aug-07 21:19:02

What to do?

Well you could try making a wax effigy and sticking pins into it.

Or you could do the whole green-eyed monster stalking wife, checking all emails, opening mails, checking phone messages, donning a disguise to follow him around every day.

Alternatively you could just ignore it.

startouchedtrinity Thu 30-Aug-07 21:24:20

Buy him t-shirt with your picture on and get him to wear it while lecturing. smile

SmileysPeeples Thu 30-Aug-07 21:25:59

oooh I couldn't igniore it HurlyBurly!

That would be SO unlike megrin.

I think it's good I'm a bit miffed. I feel like shouting 'stay away from my man!', but am very glad I haven't.

Good to knoe I still care enough.

Dignified silence the way to go though I think, to he at least anyway.

SmileysPeeples Thu 30-Aug-07 21:27:49

Or a I 'heart' my wife tshirt maybe?

With 'she made me wear this' on the back?

Loss of all dignity and moral high ground then methinksgrin

morningpaper Thu 30-Aug-07 21:29:50

I don't think on principle it is inappropriate for lecturers to visit students at home - that happens ALL the time

But if she is possibly a Crazed Stalker then he should just rebuff her gently

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