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My almost husband & his unhealthy relationship with sex

(183 Posts)
An0nym0us2011 Wed 15-Jan-20 16:06:53

Me & my partner (due to get married in almost a month) have been together since we where 13, we've had our upside downs, but were generally really happy & have great communication and trust.
However, we've always had a really great sex life, probably 5/6 times a week. We both have some kinks were Into.
However the past ,2 or so years his have been abit more intense e.i him sleeping with men (I knew about and gave him the green light because I wanted him to explore) , wanting me to sleep with other men (which I didn't do) but he really wanted me to, wanting to go to swinging clubs etc. We've discussed him sleeping with other women but with only me there & involved. He was fine with that and agreed. He talks about sex 24/7 it's all he thinks about, he's always watching porn, it's abit unhealthy.

He works away 4 nights a week quite far away. He asked me to get another guy round and sleep with him on Friday, I told him I wasn't sure about it but he kept telling me too and how happy it would make him. I started messaging people on a site, he asked for the messages so I screen shotted and sent him them...he got upset and said he didn't like it and he felt jealous so I immediately stopped and apologised loads. He fell out with me for a few days. But said it wasnt my fault but he just wasn't mentally okay lately ( he occasionally goes through bouts of bad depression). So we made up, he came home from work all was fine.
He was asleeo and left his phone downstairs so I thought I'd have a look through it, to find messages to a bunch of girls on a dating app, sexting and inviting to his hotel. I saw red because were always so open and agreed with each other and communicated everything.

He swears he never had anyone round because he doesn't have the confidence and it was just the thrill of talking to other girls, I kinda believe him but I'm heart broken.

I don't want to leave him but could he have some kind of addiction? I just needed to tell someone as it's not really something I can talk to people about

Whynosnowyet Wed 15-Jan-20 16:09:04

Ltb and call off the wedding. You need sti tests asap...
You aren't a professional and cannot help him.
He won't change for the better imo.

TheFastandTheCurious Wed 15-Jan-20 16:09:54

Each to their own but it wouldn't be for me and I wouldn't be marrying someone like that.

But if it's what you both want then crack on but you need to agree some rules etc.

Peoplearemiserable Wed 15-Jan-20 16:10:02

This sounds like a toxic relationship to me. He sounds controlling and coercive. Are you sure you’re enjoying this OP or are you trying to please him? I’d be running for the hills.

NoFun21 Wed 15-Jan-20 16:10:49

If you are planning on starting a family etc I would be concerned. You are not always going to want this focus on sex.

picklemepopcorn Wed 15-Jan-20 16:13:06

This isn't going to work. He has problems that you can't resolve.

You need to find out what you are into, when not pushed/encouraged by him.

CallMeOnMyCell Wed 15-Jan-20 16:13:10

He sounds fucking horrible. You need to leave him, he will continue to push your boundaries and you’ll always be trying to please him. Where does it end?
Please do not marry and have children with this man.

Isohungy Wed 15-Jan-20 16:13:48

Since you were 13!? How old are you now?

I cannot imagine marrying the only person you've ever been romantically involved in is ever a good idea. So much learning about yourself and the complexities of relationships missed out on... as shown by this deeply unhealthy relationship you have right now.

Do. Not. Marry. Him.

Apileofballyhoo Wed 15-Jan-20 16:13:49

Can you postpone the wedding? It does sound very much like an addiction. He's using sex as a means of escapism/getting a high.

This won't change.

DonPablo Wed 15-Jan-20 16:14:06

This sounds really unhealthy all round. But especially in his part.

How old are you now? Do you have children?

FlowerArranger Wed 15-Jan-20 16:15:50

You are on very different planets, and he is extremely controlling and trying to coerce you to do things you are not comfortable with.

This is not going to get better.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor Wed 15-Jan-20 16:16:50

This won't change.

If you aren't happy now (because this won't change) then you need to call off the wedding.


forumdonkey Wed 15-Jan-20 16:17:50

It's no different from the advice for a vanilla relationship- he's lying, deceiving and cheating.

Shelvesoutofbooks Wed 15-Jan-20 16:18:52

This probably my first LTB but LTFB.

Mary1935 Wed 15-Jan-20 16:19:25

He sounds a very damaged and messed up person. He has a sex addiction by the sound of it.
I’m assuming you use condoms together all the time.
It seems like one rule for him and another for you.
I’d dump. Yuk

Nifflernancy Wed 15-Jan-20 16:20:02

This is so fucked up. How will this pan out if you have kids?

FlossieTeacakesFurCoat18 Wed 15-Jan-20 16:20:00

He wanted you to go off with other men to make himself feel better about his cheating.

This relationship is never going to make you happy.

Isohungy Wed 15-Jan-20 16:22:05

Why is no one else mentioning that they (or she) were 13!!?!?!??!! Am i the only one finding that weird as fuck!!!!

Menora Wed 15-Jan-20 16:25:09

Does he think he has an addiction or just you?

It seems like he is pushing your boundaries as well as his own and you have to speak up if you don’t feel comfortable with this behaviour

Do you want an open marriage?

Ragwort Wed 15-Jan-20 16:29:03

He sounds horrendous, he talks about sex 24/7 shock.

Why on earth are you with him, you clearly have never experienced a ‘normal’ relationship if you have been with him since you are 13. Please leave him and get some self respect.

dottiedodah Wed 15-Jan-20 16:30:20

You have been together since you were very young, and people need to grow and experiment . I do not think he is anywhere near ready to get married by the sounds of it! So many Red flags waving about here .Sleeping with other men WTF! Expecting you to is objectifying you as well .Thinking about sex 24/7 is not healthy either ! I would not marry this man if I were you. If you have children together ,sex will usually take a back seat and he will almost certainly cheat I feel.It will be difficult to come away from someone you have been with so long ,but better now than when you are settled with a family.

LonginesPrime Wed 15-Jan-20 16:32:19

He swears he never had anyone round because he doesn't have the confidence

That's the reason he wouldn't cheat on you? Because of his low confidence? Sounds like a real catch.

Coercing you into doing sex stuff you don't what to do (including sleeping with other people) is thoroughly abusive behaviour.

He's manipulating and gaslighting you, as evidenced by the fact you contacted people under duress and then ended up apologising to him for being manipulated by him!

Obviously LTB - no good can come of this abusive relationship. And as PPs say, get yourself tested ASAP.

pickletickled Wed 15-Jan-20 16:35:07

He wanted you to go off with other men to make himself feel better about his cheating
My first thoughts too.
He sounds awful OP. The fact that you were apologising after he pretty much coerced you into something should tell you all you need to know about him.

Startedoutasfriends Wed 15-Jan-20 16:36:02

OP, you deserve so much more flowers

RoryGillmoresEvilTwin Wed 15-Jan-20 16:37:04

So he told you to do something and then "fell out" with you for doing it?
Urgh, he sounds pretty vile.

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