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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Crappest mum in town

(19 Posts)
YorkshireSuki Wed 29-Aug-07 21:17:06

I'm new to all this and only joined this evening. I'm asking someone to help me carry on as I really do have no one and nowhere to turn. My husband (we only married in feb this year!) has left me but is a brill dad to our daughter. So brill in fact that she dislikes me deeply and it's got to the point now where my thoughts are just consumed with the idea that I'm going to leave this city myself and leave the pair of them to it as they only seem to want each other. This way at least 2 out of 3 people will be happy. Is this normal? What kind of a mother walks out on her child?

LucyJones Wed 29-Aug-07 21:18:45

How old is your child?
Would you consider going to your gp?

fransmom Wed 29-Aug-07 21:19:51

maybe on that want her child to be happy hmm

sweetheart you sound very down (tho welcome to mn). you will get a lot of help and support on here sweetheart and i wish you the best of british luck smile
(((((((((((yorkshiresuki))))))))))))

(those are virtual hugs by the way (btw))

fm x

YorkshireSuki Wed 29-Aug-07 21:23:14

Daughter is 5 (almost 6). Have been on AD's for years. Husband has been a sh!t for all 7 years I've been with him. Seem to have no strength when it comes to him tho. I'm such a strong person in every other area of my life but I almost encourage him to treat me like a third rate citizen.

YorkshireSuki Wed 29-Aug-07 21:24:24

Only just understood the hug thing now - thanx!

fransmom Wed 29-Aug-07 21:26:37

's ok smile
wish i could post more but the wine just hit my stomach and it's wuite strong, not normally a wine drinker can you tell grin

VengefulSquirrel Wed 29-Aug-07 21:30:04

Hello YS. So sorry you are having a crap time. Welcome to MN.

I won't pretend to completely understand your situation, but my ds (dear son) and dh have a very close relationship that i sometimes feel excluded from. It is the hardest thing. Someone advised me that when those times happen, retreat a bit rather than vying for attention and the dc will soon miss and need you. I find this works for me and allows me to keep a bit of dignity. You have obviously done a great job of mumming if he is a difficult character yet your child is so close to him - that can't have been easy not to have been tempted to vent frustrations in front of her.

Keep going. You feel like you want to run away now but it is a bad patch and you will come through it.

(((()))))))) VS

YorkshireSuki Wed 29-Aug-07 21:30:34

I think I can tell - the spelling of 'quite' gives it away slightly......... grin I'm feelin distracted from my hellish life already!

YorkshireSuki Wed 29-Aug-07 21:33:06

I hope I do come through it - I really do. But sometimes I think after 7 torturous years can I take any more? Is it ever likely to get better? I really think that this is my life for ever now and that what I'm going thru will continue as some sort of penance.

fransmom Wed 29-Aug-07 21:34:40

you're just going thru a bad patch sweetheart. it will ened eventually but not sure when smile my tongue feels funny now at the end grin

VengefulSquirrel Wed 29-Aug-07 21:36:19

Now don't think like that. That is guilt talking and us Mums never need mcuh of a reason to feel guilty at the best of times. I think that guilt is the least useful emotion in the world.

What are you feeling guilty about? You don't have to say. x

YorkshireSuki Wed 29-Aug-07 21:41:55

feel guilty on so many levels. I'm an asian woman and was epected to have the whole arranged marriage etc etc. Met my current husband (who is white) got pregnant (on purpose) within 6 weeks of meeting him and didn't tell my parents till a month before baby was due.

YorkshireSuki Wed 29-Aug-07 21:42:16

it gets worse.....!

YorkshireSuki Wed 29-Aug-07 21:46:50

So was kinda like 'hey i'm pregnant' 'hey he's white' 'hey we're not married' and 'hey i'm about to drop' Relationship was pants from about 3 months into it but there was nothing I felt I could do at that point. My family disowned me and my dad only met my daughter (their ONLY grandchild) a couple of years ago. Me and husband split up before daughter was 1 year old but have just drifted in and out of a 'relationship' ever since. So guilt is from doing what I did to my parents and I tried to alleviate that slightly by 'making' (?) husband marry me in feb. Naively thought it would be a band aid for our realtionship too. I was wrong.

VengefulSquirrel Wed 29-Aug-07 22:04:03

Woah. What an incredible lot you have been through. NO WONDER you are feeling really low, because of the rift with your family it sounds like you are quite isolated - doesn't that make everything harder to bear...

BUT you avoided the arranged marriage because it was not right for you. You did what was right at the time. So it didn't work out, the choice of man was a mistake. God we've all been there.

mumsville Wed 29-Aug-07 22:11:36

York

Do you feel low about 'what you did' to your family. Is that the driver for the AD? If so, try to sort that out. Is it that you feel isolated from your family at this difficult time.

I understand the culture and I know there's a thing about beds and lying in it (when my father divorced my mum she got no support from family). However, if your dad has come to see your child and she's the only grandaughter there may be the opportunity to build bridges if that's what you want.

It's lovely that you recognise that husband is a good dad. I think you need to work on the fact they need to recognise you as mum and respect that.

I hope you can sort this out.

YorkshireSuki Wed 29-Aug-07 22:48:41

Thanx so much everyone. I read somewhere that this website is a useful tool for various reasons - hopefully it can become my useful tool too in the evenings cos that's when my strength and motivation seems to dissolve. Xx

VengefulSquirrel Wed 29-Aug-07 23:03:41

YS - Agree totally that tiredness makes everything seem worse. I imagine you are pretty tired after a long day with your active 5 year old (I got one of those too grin )

Come on whenever, here every day for a chat. Hope you have a good day tomorrow.

elkiedee Wed 29-Aug-07 23:08:55

Does she live with you or him, or spend time with each of you? I don't think you should stop living in the same city. What does your daughter know or believe the relationship between you and her dad to be? Do you and he spend time with your daughter in the same way, or are there differences in who has to do the routine stuff, who gets to do the fun things?

Hope you can find the support you're looking for here.

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