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Still love partner but yet hate him!!

(17 Posts)
Stressedoutmomof3 Wed 15-Jan-20 01:47:47

Just looking for some advice really... Together 15 years married 11 and 3 kids together. He's always been extremely jealous, and controlling. I no longer have any male friends or even collueges. Moved away from my family and close friends about 5 hours drive away. I work 4 days a week, if I'm ever late there's a million questions about where I've been.... As kids are getting older I've made new female friends through work and he's so against me spending time with them, odd night out or cinema. Will talk me down in front of kids mam is going to meet her boyfriend we aren't good enough for her etc.. really upsets my 3 year old. In past year have had 3 nights out!!! So really not true, love my kids so much, just not him anymore, turning to hatred. I had changed so much over the years and I don't like who I've become I'm lonely and very down at time's. I do everything in house, shopping and caring for kids. He works and provides for us but has no interest in spending any time with us. Booked few days away last summer with kids and he spent entire time giving out about everything and how shit it was, then complaint about me having wine, had 1 bottle over 3 nights watching TV kids asleep. Kids love hotel beach pool etc but we're upset as dad wouldn't join. Last summer went to concert with old school friends all of us married with kids or pregnant, he had massive row about length I was gone and then silent treatment for 2 weeks!!! In last 2 years I've been trying to get more independence and get frustrated and angry with him and we have huge row. I get scared of him, he never hit me but has come close he has thrown stuff at me and has happened in front of kids. Can't afford to leave and raise 3 kids but really considering it, I think we would be better off without him. I have mentioned leaving before and he just says well kids stay here as your sick, had very bad post natal depression few years ago but ok now. He always says if I ever left he'd kill himself! Im really considering just walking with kids and leaving everything. I have good job though and kids in local school etc...

Topseyt Wed 15-Jan-20 01:56:26

You've said it yourself. You need to leave with the kids. You deserve far better than this controlling arsewipe.

MrsTerryPratchett Wed 15-Jan-20 02:02:28

He is abusing you in front of your children. You have to leave. Focus on finding a way.

12345kbm Wed 15-Jan-20 02:04:49

Your relationship has followed a familiar pattern of abuse and you are now isolated.

You have a good job. I'm not sure if you're married or if you own the house jointly etc I advise you to find out what rights you have should you separate and get advice on maintenance etc Are you in Ireland?

Sadiee88 Wed 15-Jan-20 02:05:56

Hello -
well he sounds absolutely awful. Do you still love him? I’d say try counselling if you do but it doesn’t sound like you still love him and from what you’ve said I don’t think he would go.

His behaviour sounds abhorrent, it’s emotional abuse and it sounds like it could escalate to actual violence. Not healthy for you or your children. You deserve to be happy and so do your children.

I’d see a solicitor if you own your home. If not rent privately and claim benefits.

I wouldn’t take any notice of his threats to kill him self, he’s just trying to control you.

You don’t seem to have anything to gain by staying in this ‘relationship’.

midwest Wed 15-Jan-20 03:11:28

His behavior is abusive and for the sake of your dc as well as yourself you should leave.
I imagine that you already know this on some level.
Your post natal depression will not be held against you when considering residency for the dc.

ArranUpsideDown Wed 15-Jan-20 03:15:48

I agree with the previous posters.

This relationship is not healthy for you or the children. You've mentioned a few red flags that would make it a matter of some urgency that you should prepare yourself to walk away from this relationship.

It's intimidating but there are a fair number of single parents with children and they do manage.

I hope you've looked through the stickies on how to leave a relationship, talk to Women's Aid, consider the Freedom Programme etc.

Weffiepops Wed 15-Jan-20 04:44:46

Get out now, he sounds awful

category12 Wed 15-Jan-20 06:06:13

A lot of what you describe is classic tactics of abuse, including the suicide threats. Speak to Women's Aid and get some support with a plan to end the relationship.

Interestedwoman Wed 15-Jan-20 06:56:10

So sorry to hear this. sad He is awful, please leave. Yep I recommend the Freedom Programme, if only because it'll get you out of the house and you'll meet lots of other women who've been there/ are still in it.

And Women's Aid too of course. Best wishes xxxxx

Stressedoutmomof3 Wed 15-Jan-20 09:48:41

I'm based in Ireland. Family home is close to his parents home and is jointly owned but he's paying mortgage since kids came along. We are both on low income, he pays mortgage and childcare and I pay electric heating and food and all other bills. This is kids home, and unsure if I can afford to rent anything. What are my options???

MMmomDD Wed 15-Jan-20 10:17:00

You need to see a local solicitor - and see what sort of path they’d recommend.
As I understand - it takes several years to divorce in Ireland.
Don’t walk away with nothing, though.

In your place - I’d find out what’s what and started the process. You need to finally stand up for yourself or your kids would grow up thinking this is a normal relationship and model it in their lives.

Stressedoutmomof3 Wed 15-Jan-20 13:12:01

Appointment with solicitor early next week to discuss options. Big row last night where he almost punched me in face but just shoved and pushed chair into me. Not hurt but really upsetting last straw really, just wondering how to react today? He's at work since early morning I haven't spoken to him since really too upset to, slept with kids last night. Was thinking about asking his father to talk to him maybe open his eyes as what he's doing or should I just tell him to move out??

12345kbm Wed 15-Jan-20 13:41:24

I asked where you were so I can find out what's available there. I'm very concerned about you as the abuse seems to be getting worse OP. Have you contacted a Domestic Abuse organisation? I assume you're in the South.

Here is a list of organisations that you might find helpful: www.whatwouldyoudo.ie/ Get some bags packed for you and the children and hide them or keep them with someone you trust. Here's what to pack:

Some form of identification
Birth certificates for you and your children.
Passports (including passports for all your children), visas and work permits.
Money, bankbooks, cheque book and credit and debit cards.
Keys for house, car, and place of work. (You could get an extra set of keys cut, and put them in your emergency bag.)
Cards for payment of Child Benefit and any other welfare benefits you are entitled to.
Driving licence (if you have one) and car registration documents, if applicable.
Prescribed medication.
Copies of documents relating to your housing tenure (for example, mortgage details or lease and rental agreements).
Insurance documents, including national insurance number.
Address book.
Family photographs, your diary, jewellery, small items of sentimental value.
Clothing and toiletries for you and your children.
Your children’s favourite small toys.
You should also take any documentation relating to the abuse – e.g. police reports, court orders such as injunctions and restraining orders, and copies of medical records if you have them.

OP please tell someone what is going on. Your mum, sister/brother, a friend, relative, a colleague, anyone. Find out what to do in case you need to flee. Here's some information on minimising risk: www.womensaid.org.uk/the-survivors-handbook/making-a-safety-plan/#1447926965295-8f67f8a6-62c7

Dial 112/999 if you feel threatened or he becomes violent.

I wouldn't tell him to move out. I would contact a domestic abuse organisation and get some advice on how to manage the situation with minimum risk. There is more information here: www.safeireland.ie/get-help/

midwest Wed 15-Jan-20 14:16:27

maybe open his eyes as what he's doing

Does he behave like this at work OP, or with his family and friends?
If the answer is no then he knows what he is doing and is already able to control whether or not he behaves like that.

category12 Wed 15-Jan-20 15:55:13

Hi op, he's escalating to physical violence. He may have "just" shoved you, but he's crossing the line.

Please speak to domestic abuse services in your area.

user7522689 Wed 15-Jan-20 15:58:50

Police?

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