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My life is such a mess. How do I rebuild myself.

(9 Posts)
Tinaarena Tue 14-Jan-20 22:31:09

Been with dp 20 years, we have 1dc we tried for a few years for a second but I suffered 7 Mc in this time. Dp also suffered a breakdown, I continued to support him all through this time while he was out of work. Paying the bills, mortgage and practically being a single parent while he lay about each day suffering with depression.

He eventually returned to college and became an 18 year old student again staying out till 5/6 in the morning, it was at this point I became so lonely And depressed, I longed for another baby but he wasn’t on the same page anymore. I lost my dad and my Nan who I was extremely close to and life just got harder and harder for me. But still every day I’d get up in Groundhog Day take ds to school and go to work. I realise now the turning point was my 2 best friends and sil announcing there pregnancies within 2 weeks of each other.

I won’t go into details but I did end up looking for attention/validation elsewhere as dp was already pulling away from me. I began what I think was an emotional affair. I never met this guy but I would speak to him almost everyday and it was so nice to laugh and joke with someone again. There was nothing but misery and survival attitude at home.
I still chat to him now and then but nowhere near the intensity it once was.

Dp is now in his last year of uni and has now decided he can’t be with me anymore. This has blown me over I didn’t see it coming from him at all and I feel so numb. He refuses to sleep in the same bed as me so we’re taking it in turns and alternating between bed and couch.

Ds has no idea this is going on. Xmas was horrendous for me, new year even more so. He dithers between moving out and staying for ds’s sake.

I just feel so lost right now, I’m feeling trapped, like a failure that this 20 yr relationship hasn’t worked, I’m not happy, in fact I’m miserable. I want everything to go back to normal and be happy again. The fact I didn’t give ds a sibling is always at the forefront of my mind it kills me daily. And now I feel with dp and I separating that part of my life Is dead and over. I’m 40 this year so there’s no time to meet someone else. I think I’m having a harder time accepting this than the relationship being over.

I want to be happy again. I just don’t know how to.

Ruderidinghood Tue 14-Jan-20 22:38:50

There isnt much you can do apart from ride it out things will get better for you.

DarkNightDelight Wed 15-Jan-20 00:46:04

Kick his arse out and spend some time building your life and becoming happy again.
Don't let him treat you like this. thanks

CassidyStone Wed 15-Jan-20 00:55:47

You're not too old to meet someone else and be happy. You're 40 not 90. Get rid of your husband, and be kind to yourself. You deserve so much better.

Gutterton Wed 15-Jan-20 01:11:25

He likely has someone else.
The RS has been circling the drain for years it sounds.
Sorry that you have funded his uni and shouldered the load and he leaves.

But you are worth more than this.
Keep your dignity and focus your finite energy on your DS.

Don’t worry about siblings - I have 6 and am NC with 5.

Sorry this has happened but in time you will find joy again.

Tinaarena Wed 15-Jan-20 07:43:42

thank you I didn't think anyone would reply to me.

I don't think he has anyone else, he rarely goes out anywhere so I don't know when he'd find time to see anyone else to be honest. On his big nights out when he's out till the morning I know who he's with so its never given me any real cause for concern.

It's the fact like someone said above ive put up with this shit for the past few years and now he wants to leave, its left me feeling so worthless.

CassidyStone Wed 15-Jan-20 08:31:07

You're not worthless. Wave him off with a spring in your step. New year, new opportunities, new single you. You can do it!

Cath2907 Wed 15-Jan-20 11:27:19

Sack him off!! You are 40!! I’m 42 with an 8 year old only DD. I love her and she’s great but I don’t need another one. I’m divorced (split up 15 months ago). There is life after divorce at 40! I have dates and everything 😁

zasknbg Wed 15-Jan-20 11:33:40

Is the second child to give your ds a sibling or so you can have a second child?

If it's for your ds, don't worry about it. Plenty of people are very happy only children. Their parents' attention is all for them! Some people hate their siblings anyway. It's not a guaranteed friend for life, although in many cases siblings are very close.

If you desire the child yourself, you could go for donor sperm. It sounds as though your relationship is unsalvageable anyway.

But in the very short term, I'd focus on your ds and make plans to separate from your dp. He's offering you absolutely nothing but misery. Do obviously be prepared for the fact that men's fertility doesn't decline like women's and he could easily have another baby with a younger woman he's met through his reclaimed 18 year old lifestyle.

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