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Boyfriends dad convicted of rape. Help

(217 Posts)
Allison8 Tue 14-Jan-20 17:30:41

My bf told me early in our relationship that his father has been in prison for years because he was convicted of dozens of rapes on an underage boy. he told me that his father was innocently convicted and gave several examples of why. I have suspected that my boyfriend has left things out from the story and found the judgment on the web. There I read ceveral things that makes me very sure that his father is guilty. he was also convicted of downloading pictures of naked children. He have also done other crimes in the past that he told me about. My bf and his dad have a very close relationship (best friends) and we see him all the time. Me and my bf have also talked about getting children in the future, but Im now scared of this. I have not told my bf I have read the judgment. What would you do?

Tableclothing Tue 14-Jan-20 17:32:08

If you want an easy life - end it.

Fairenuff Tue 14-Jan-20 17:36:28

You won't be able to convince him that his dad was guilty. Just leave.

Gutterton Tue 14-Jan-20 17:36:59

End it because your BF is a liar.

AltogetherAndrews Tue 14-Jan-20 17:37:16

Leave now. Your partner will never be able to protect any children you may have, because he does not believe there is a risk. He will choose his father over a child, because he already has. You will never be certain your children are not left unsupervised with a convicted paedophile, and if you separate from your partner you will have even less ability to keep your children safe. You will be investigated by Social Workers, and may have your children removed if they feel you are not protecting them sufficiently.

Think about this, your partner would rather protect his relationship with his father than acknowledge the awful pain caused to multiple children. He will always make that choice.

ohwheniknow Tue 14-Jan-20 17:37:52

"Getting children"?

You have a boyfriend who will be incapable of safeguarding his children from a sexual predator. Does your relationship with him have a future on that basis?

I wouldn't have thought so.

What would I do? End it. Why haven't you?

Allison8 Tue 14-Jan-20 17:38:16

I cry just thinking about leaving him, its really hard.

3rdchristmaslucky Tue 14-Jan-20 17:39:34

If he's convicted of child rape, he should have to be kept away from kids, shouldn't he?

You're going to have to talk to your boyfriend seriously. Tell him that, despite his belief, you feel uncomfortable about the thought of having children with him if his father is in the picture.

Tell him that you will never allow your children around him and leave the ball in his court.

Sally872 Tue 14-Jan-20 17:39:58

Your boyfriend is probably unable to believe his dad did that. If really in love I would encourage him to seek help on getting past this.
I would make it clear you believe the judgement and any children will never have relationship with his dad. If he cant agree with that the I would end it.

HoneysuckleSpeck Tue 14-Jan-20 17:41:14

Where were you thinking of getting the children from?

Wherever - you’d never be able to let the bloke anywhere near them and your BF wouldn’t keep them safe because he thinks his DF is innocent. Dump and move on to someone decent.

Batshittery Tue 14-Jan-20 17:41:48

How long have you been together OP?

74NewStreet Tue 14-Jan-20 17:43:12

Innocently convicted, my arse. Why didn’t he offer these “examples of innocence” to the police, I wonder?

74NewStreet Tue 14-Jan-20 17:44:14

Getting children 🤪

ohwheniknow Tue 14-Jan-20 17:44:15

Leave him then cry it out. There are breakup support threads on here.

Pinkbonbon Tue 14-Jan-20 17:46:01

Either your bf is under the thumb of a manipulative predator. Or he is a liar.

Neither of which situations would be suitable to bring a child into.

You won't be able to convince him to abandon his father.

And I'd be more than a little worried that he thinks its OK to excuse the things he did by somehow blaming the child. Speaks to a very warped mindset.

I think you should spare yourself from worse future heartache and walk away now unfortunately. Kids or no kids.

mindutopia Tue 14-Jan-20 17:46:28

You need to be 100% on the same page about this. We have a similar situation, except it’s my dh’s stepfather. We were able to work through it because we were able to completely agree on what approach to take as a family - neither dh nor I have anything to do with him, and he has absolutely no contact with our dc. We only allow them supervised contact with his mum. We completely believe he is guilty and have put firm boundaries in place to keep our children safe. If you can’t do this (for example, if he would insist any children you had have contact with this man), you need to walk away now. Do not get yourself into a situation where you can’t keep any children you have safe.

SuperLoudPoppingAction Tue 14-Jan-20 17:47:33

It is often hard to end a relationship but that hurt passes over time.

Imagine if you do have children with someone who makes excuses for an abuse of children. You will constantly be arguing about whether the abuser sees his grandchildren. Even if the children never see this man they might wonder why and find the judgement as easily as you did.
If they do see him they will be at risk.

So it will hurt far more in the long run.

Just end it and bulk buy ice cream or do whatever you do when you need to comfort yourself. It'll be shit but it's unavoidable.

kalinkafoxtrot45 Tue 14-Jan-20 17:47:34

End it. If that isn’t enough for him to break ties with his father, nothing else will be. Any children you have with this man will be at risk because he will not protect them.

3rdchristmaslucky Tue 14-Jan-20 17:49:28

@mindutopia makes a lot of sense. It's not an impossible situation if you're on the same page.

Drum2018 Tue 14-Jan-20 17:50:37

End it. It's really that simple. Your bf will believe his dad so you would never be able to have kids with him.

AgentJohnson Tue 14-Jan-20 17:51:06

Your bf is either in denial or doesn’t give a shit. Your bf’s father/ bestie is a paedophile and I can’t imagine how your skin doesn’t crawl being in the same room as your bf and his indifference.

Do you know what’s harder that leaving your bf, being a victim of his father or keeping any potential children away from the monster that is your bf’s father.

you were crazy or stupid enough to have a child with a man that has a paedophile as a bestie then

Drum2018 Tue 14-Jan-20 17:53:01

@mindutopia makes a lot of sense. It's not an impossible situation if you're on the same page.

Did you read the part where ops bf is very close to his dad and has already told op that his dad is innocent? hmm

Equanimitas Tue 14-Jan-20 17:53:59

Do you want a life where you either can't have any children, or where they will be put into care because their father won't keep them safe?

If not, there is only one answer.

3rdchristmaslucky Tue 14-Jan-20 17:55:07

@Drum2018 that's why they need to talk. He can believe him if he wants to. He doesn't have to turn his back on his father, regardless of what he's done. He just needs to be in complete agreement that the safety of his children and the comfort of his partner are more important.

Jaxhog Tue 14-Jan-20 17:56:39

You have a boyfriend who will be incapable of safeguarding his children from a sexual predator. Does your relationship with him have a future on that basis?

I couldn't stay with someone like this. Even if you don't have children together, what about your brothers and sisters or nieces and nephews? Friends children?

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