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That horrible night

(72 Posts)
CandyFlossSkies Tue 14-Jan-20 12:10:25

I don't know what I expect from posting this. I guess it's because I haven't told anyone parts of my post and I just need to get it out. It's a sort of detailed diary entry that I can look back on, one day, if we're still together or not.

My partner is a sensible, normally thoughtful and ethical man. He is great when I'm ill with migraines and period pains (except when it's something contagious in which case he becomes unreasonable about it). We cuddle often in front of the TV and share interests. He loves animals. We want the the same kind of life. There's no alcohol or drug usage. No infedelities or doubts in that direction. We both want children, although time has almost run out for me at almost 34 years old because I've been delaying it for so long due to various things. I like making deep connections to people, which don't come around often. I'm a naturally talkative, bouncy kind of person.

I've grown increasingly tried of his inability to manage his moods, anxiety and irritability, which has led to unnecessary name calling and demeaning comments such as blurting out 'idiot' when I've spilt something or similar. He earns a lot more than me but we rent.

His wet blanket moodyness where he retreats innward to his own closed-off thoughts has ruined days put when we're both suposed to be happy, interested and enjoying ourselves. He always apologises afterwards and it's improved a lot this year after he's learn to manage his stress at work better, but his behaviour has worn me down during the course of our 11 year relationship.

He has said that I haven't been clear enough about how his behaviour affects me, apparently, despite it having caused many arguments, despite me pushing back many times on his language, despite me having a few serious night time discussions with him, despite me threatening to move out twice before. I've been clear enough. I'm a (normally) articulate person who's very direct about what they like and what they don't like.

Things have been on the up for the last year, but he said something disrespectful and kind in December which made my doubts about our relationship spin out of control. It wasn't just what he said. It was a reminded that, despite improvements, there are still signs he doesn't respect me.

After many tears, arguments in December, things were great for about two weeks until the last few days, when something that happened just over a year and a half ago came up to the surface about our sex life. We've always been very compatible sexually. We've never been into BDSM and are actually pretty convensional in what we like, mostly.

However, over time, I became increasingly uncomfortable over how he would place his hand on my breastbone/middle of the clavicle area at the top of the chest/base of the neck. Sort of in a v -shape. This increasingly made me feel uncomfortable emotionally during sex because I didn't want it to go anywhere near, or develop into 'choke-play'. He finds collars and choker type neckkaces on women quite sexy, but has never bought me one or pressurised me to wear one. He hardly mentions them actually, but it's something I'm aware of.

I started hinting to him sometimes that this hand thing didn't make me feel good and I didn't really like it. A few weeks later, he started doing it again. I didn't say anything during sex, but instead I sat down with him to have a serious discussion, and said I didn't like it, I wanted him to stop doing it, and that I found it demeaning and a bit degrading. I was calm but quite serious and wanted him to take on board what I was saying. Because hints and comments weren't enough to him, even though they should've been, I wanted to sit down with him so I could clearly draw a line in the sand and make sure there was no ambiguity about how I felt on the matter. He didn't argue with me about it, but his body language and facial expressions suggested that he found this discussion quite awkward and embarrassing, his face was quite taught and was avoiding eye contact. Sort of reminded me of a child who squirm when they're told off because they know they've done wrong.

Fast forward a few weeks or months (don't remember now). He did this thing again. I didn't want to ruin the moment by having an argument, so I again had a serious talk with him and said this was the 2nd time I've had to tell him not to do it (which made me feel uneasy). I added that because it's the neck area, it makes me feel too vulnerable. He reacted the same again, and I said the only time that something like that is ok is if I do it (meaning, that I would initiate it and that I had control over it).

We went on holiday the next day or the day after. The first night we were there in our holiday apartment, we had sex, and this time he sort of got my hand and tried to place it around the base of my neck again.I just went totally flat, turned my head and started crying. He stopped immediately and didn't understand why I was crying so much. I told him why - that after I had told him not to do it, here were were.....again. He was almost speechless at how ditressed and angry I was.

When he did that, I just found it disgusting. I was disgusted when he placed my hand at my neck before carrying on thrusting. I found it degrading.

I told him I found it demeaning, that it was slightly fucked-up considering his mother committed suicide by hanging herself. I asked, does he have a real thing about choking that he hasn't told me about? Does he get off on the idea of me being hurt? He said no to all of this and was upset that I was upset and was apologising a lot inbetween bouts of being speechlessness. I tried to act like normal during the rest of our holiday but it was haunting me.

Now, even if that was based on a verbal misunderstanding, I find it hard to forgive him amd move on. He hasn't done it since. Even so, I can't get over the fact that even prior to that horrible night, I had already hinted, and that wasn't enough. I had sat down seriously with him, and that wasn't enough.

When we were arguing about it last night because I brought it up again when we were in the kitchen, I asked him why? I was looking for some kind of justification, but he had nothing. When I asked him why, he said, grasping at straws, that I'd mentioned it being something about the influence of porn, which seems to be getting more and more rough and extreme these days. He was squirming when I said that feebly regurgitating my answers back at me wasn't enough. He said he wasn't going to make excuses and that what he did was wrong. When I again questioned him, he said that he knew I didn't like it, but he didn't realise HOW much I didn't like it.....not something you want to cross or test out with sex, is it? I guess 'I don't like it' and 'I find it demeaning' wasn't enough. I told him that my boundaries are set my ME. Their importance, is for ME to decide. They're not for him to test out by trail & error. To make things worse, when he was grasping at straws during this conversation, he said I hadn't communicated to him ENOUGH how much I didn't like it. The words 'I don't want you to do it in future' and 'I don't like it' weren't enough apparently, and I'm pretty sure I used the words 'degrading'
and 'vulnerable' too. I had to be visibility upset for him to take me seriously, it seems.

He keeps reiterating that he would never hurt me (that's kind of already been done though so it's kimd of ridiculous saying that). He says that said the other day he realises he's failed as a partner to make me feel safe and secure. I just feel so sad and anxious because that day I felt like something was dropped and shattered on the floor. I feel like this will never really heal. My ex cheated on me once by kissing another girl in her car, back in uni, and that kept resurfacing as well as a deep hurt. I'd be fine for weeks, months, before it would come up again as if it had happened yesterday. I'm not sure if I can get over this. It's not what he did exactly. It's more about the fact that I've lost trust in him and that he's showing a disregard for my sexual boundaries, 9.5 years into the relationship.

CandyFlossSkies Tue 14-Jan-20 12:19:06

Sorry, typos. *showed a total disregard for my sexual boundaries, 9.5 years into our relationship.
(It's now 11 years, and despite nothing bad happening ever since, I feel like that night left a permanent stain on our relationship and how I view him.

UYScuti Tue 14-Jan-20 12:33:24

He's completely taking the piss, this is deliberate boundary pushing, he's just trying to dominate you ☹️

UYScuti Tue 14-Jan-20 12:35:32

All his excuses are just a way of creating a distraction/smokescreen to divert from the central issue which is that you told him not to and he ignored you
That is not ok

Quartz2208 Tue 14-Jan-20 12:37:42

Are you happy OP? It sounds like this relationship is draining you

JoyceDivision Tue 14-Jan-20 12:37:43

Cut your losses and go, you've addressed this as clearly as possible and he keeps pushing the boundaries. Do you want to having to make this decision in 10 years time, after giving chance after chance?

UYScuti Tue 14-Jan-20 12:40:29

He didn't argue with me about it, but his body language and facial expressions suggested that he found this discussion quite awkward and embarrassing, his face was quite taught and was avoiding eye contact. Sort of reminded me of a child who squirm when they're told off because they know they've done wrong
he thinks he should just be able to do what he wants and fobb you off with any old excuse, but you can see through him, you've described what's going on and you've told him that you won't accept it, you have outmaneuvered him and he can't tolerate it because it makes him look silly and inferior, you've acted like an adult and he's acting like a child trying to get away with things.
Because you have called him out that puts him in a one down position, he can't tolerate that he has to be top dog so he has to punish you by carrying on with the strangling behaviour to teach you a lesson.
That's my reading of the situation based on your post.

inwood Tue 14-Jan-20 12:45:26

Op this sounds awful, he clearly doesn't respect you or your boundaries AT ALL. I'd leave.

Baileys4two Tue 14-Jan-20 12:46:33

So, am I right in thinking that since this incident on holiday 18 months ago, when he tried to place your hands there, he hasn't attempted this behaviour again, but you're struggling with the memory/implications of it?

Tableclothing Tue 14-Jan-20 12:46:49

At 33 this bloke is really not your last chance to have children.

oofadoofa Tue 14-Jan-20 12:47:20

This sounds like hard work. The relationship sounds tired and when you get to the stage of overthinking absolutely everything and regurgitating the past, it's probably best just to call it a day. You say that it feels broken with no chance of repair, why not just walk away then? That may be for the best, sooner rather than later, the whole thing comes across as draining for all concerned.

candycane222 Tue 14-Jan-20 12:48:16

Very much not OK. As you set out so clearly yourself. If he doesn't respect your wishes - and he doesn't - then you are not ever going to have a safe, trusting relationship with him, however superficially compatible you seem. He is a jerk about women and sex. So he's a jerk.

UYScuti Tue 14-Jan-20 12:59:17

I managed to miss the part where you said that nothing bad has happened since... But you still have doubts about the relationship OP?

hellsbellsmelons Tue 14-Jan-20 13:02:30

1.his inability to manage his moods, anxiety and irritability
2.unnecessary name calling and demeaning comments
3.where he retreats innward to his own closed-off thoughts has ruined days
4.his behaviour has worn me down during the course of our 11 year relationship
5.He has said that I haven't been clear enough about how his behaviour affects me,
6.but he said something disrespectful and UNkind in December
7.This increasingly made me feel uncomfortable emotionally during sex
8.A few weeks later, he started doing it again
9.his face was quite taught and was avoiding eye contact
10.He did this thing again
11.he sort of got my hand and tried to place it around the base of my neck again
12.When he did that, I just found it disgusting
13.I had sat down seriously with him, and that wasn't enough
14.but he didn't realise HOW much I didn't like it
15.I hadn't communicated to him ENOUGH how much I didn't like it
16.he's showing a disregard for my sexual boundaries

The question is OP, are you actually happy with this man?
Why are giving him chance after chance?
Why are you allowing him to trample over your boundaries?
Why are you allowing him to ruin days out?
Why are you allowing him to call you names?

He honestly just doesn’t sound very nice some of the time.
So why are you still with him?
You are 34, still plenty young enough to start again and have kids.
Do you really want kids with this man?

He has had no real consequences for his actions. You do not follow through on moving out. You don’t stop him when he does things that you don’t like so you don’t ‘spoil the mood’.
It’s been 11 years with this man. Do you want another 20 years like this?
It may be time to be really evaluate what you want.

MashedSpud Tue 14-Jan-20 13:05:35

He isn’t thinking of you, he’s wrapped up in some choke me porn moment and obviously needs this to get off. He’s been told time and time again but has no regard for you.

I can guarantee he will do it again at some point in the future.

Equanimitas Tue 14-Jan-20 13:06:53

Why did you bring this up after such a long interval?

SunshineCake Tue 14-Jan-20 13:20:21

You want kids. I'd get out for this I've grown increasingly tried of his inability to manage his moods, anxiety and irritability, which has led to unnecessary name calling and demeaning comments such as blurting out 'idiot' when I've spilt something.

I was too horrified to read much of the rest as the above is enough but the gist of what I did get is yes, fuck that, get out. He could kill you.
Leave please. Stay alive.

CandyFlossSkies Tue 14-Jan-20 13:26:06

Yes. I guess it meant a lot to me.

GilbertMarkham Tue 14-Jan-20 13:28:04

although time has almost run out for me at almost 34 years old

Sorry I'm.goumg to read and comment on the rest of the post but this jumped out at me (and if may affect your decision to stay in the relationship or not as well).

Your time has most definitely not run out at 34. The NHS fertility page states that 90% of women under 40 fal pregnant within two yrs of trying.

You can of course go for a fertility check if you have the money with a private clinic , it's not perfect or infallible - but could rule out any issues. If your partner is willing (in the meantime) you could also go to your GP saying you've been trying to conceive for a year (I think it's 6 months over 35 which you're approaching so they may accept less than a yr trying) and they will start all.standard fertility checks too. They will do a sperm analysis on him near the start as it's easier to rule out male issues than female.

But in any case you are nowhere near time running out. I started at 40/41 and the vast vast majority of women in my antenatal group were mid to late thirties.

GilbertMarkham Tue 14-Jan-20 13:32:15

The 35 fertility "cliff" is not accurate.

If you want to check what you can yourself, get some ovulation kits and find out if and when you're ovulating every month. There are also ovulation teachers like the Eve bracelet (pricey though) and there are some fertility/hormone tests available over the counter too.

But the bottom line is that, unless you are unfortunate enough to be in the ten % that have fertility problems, it is v likely that you'll be able to have kids for the next five (or more) years.

GilbertMarkham Tue 14-Jan-20 13:33:14

*ovulation trackers

Poppinjay Tue 14-Jan-20 13:34:06

As with any sexual activity, the threshold for consent is when it is clear that you are in agreement with his actions. It is never your responsibility to make sure that you have said no clearly enough.

He was well aware that he did not have your consent, yet he has persisted in repeating the behaviour.

Why would he feel turned on by something that he knows full well is causing you distress?

FetchezLaVache Tue 14-Jan-20 13:34:16

I think you've been delaying having children with this man because you know deep down that he's not the one you'll grow old with.

Nifflernancy Tue 14-Jan-20 13:38:44

The sound of him made my blood run cold. He knew you didn’t like that, but he wanted to so he did it anyway, then gaslit you. And the weird avoidance when you were discussing it...he has serious issues

GilbertMarkham Tue 14-Jan-20 13:46:53

Read rest of post.

A. The shitty moods etc - v unpleasant and quite stressful; not sure if you want to deal with that for decades (?)
Also having had a child recently I'd say kids put massive strain on you both ... Someone who's already moody etc is hard to imagine as a tolerant, positive coparent.

B. He kept doing something you told him not to during sex. You told him clearly but he lied/bullshitted about you not having been clear enough (or he dismissed what you said as not serious, for his own convenience, who knows). That sounds disrespectful, selfish, stupid (for lack of a better word). He stopped doing it after the third (?) time you had to tell him to, and hasn't done it since, is that right?

His character/behaviour (moods, explosively calling you names for something minor etc) doesn't sound great for having kids with (or a relationship at all really). His other behaviour is extremely frustrating and v possibly disrespectful/selfish ....

If you don't want to have kids with him, while you have time, the sooner the better if you get out .. in order to have plenty of time to meet someone, get to know them thoroughly, ideally marry, and TTC kids.

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