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Confused about contributions with DP

(447 Posts)
Buggedandconfused Mon 13-Jan-20 20:37:44

My DP and have a long distance relationship. For the last year I’ve spent a lot more time at his house every other weekend than he has at mine because my children stay at my house with their Dad (my exH) on their weekends with him. My exH and I are amicable and it works well for us as kids otherwise have to travel a fair distance to see him and it’s less disruptive.

My DP has told me he wants financial equality between us which us absolutely fine, it’s been tricky To navigate as he earns a lot more than me and has a big savings pot, whereas I am on tax credit, get maintenance from exH for the kids and work part-time. I earn about 1/3 to 1/4 of my DP and have no savings.

When I visit him he expects me to contribute to food and clean up while I am there and keep things tidy, ie, wash up, empty dishwasher, make bed etc. No problem. I always take drinks for him & I when I arrive and buy food to cook. We take turns buying drinks when out and also take turns buying meals/lunch out for one another. If I go to the supermarket with him while I am there I give him money towards the food and/or buy my own wine which sometimes he drinks too.

Just recently he’s been able to start coming to mine, and when he arrives he comes empty handed. He doesn’t buy any food for us and just eats what I have in. We went to the supermarket at mine and he just wanted to buy his own beers, and for me to pay for the milk/eggs etc - about £8 worth. I got upset, and said he wants equality when I’m at his but does not treat me the same. He says because I’ve spent so much time at his house that I ‘owe’ him more, despite me trying really hard to pay my own way when I’m there.

I’m really confused. I thought I had been pulling my weight at his house and thought he would treat me the same at mine - but apparently he feels I still owe him for all the time I’ve spent at his.

Would I be unreasonable to ask for us to write up an agreement for what is required when we spend time at each other’s houses? I’ve never been in a relationship before where it has to be so cut and dried, or where the partner gets upset at my contributions or apparent lack of. I’ve never had to think about it before, it’s just been an organic loving process of being together. I’m in my 50’s as is he.

gamerchick Mon 13-Jan-20 20:41:07

If you're at the stage of written agreements it's already a nail in the coffin.

Tell him as he doesn't tip up at yours then you aren't at his. If that's unacceptable to him then it's best you split now.

Why in earth is your ex doing contact at your house?

Oysterbabe Mon 13-Jan-20 20:42:04

I would dump him to be honest. There are few things that are as much as a turn off as a tightwad.

ComtesseDeSpair Mon 13-Jan-20 20:42:31

Dump him. He’s mean, selfish and wants everything on his terms. You don’t owe him anything for the time you’ve spent at his, I’ve never heard the like! You’ve paid adequately for things you eat and drink. He isn’t going to change in his attitude and life is far too short to spend it bickering over who owes who £2.48 because they went to the shops last.

Windmillwhirl Mon 13-Jan-20 20:43:25

If you need to write up an agreement for him to be fair with finances, I think your relationship is in real trouble.

What's good for the goose is good for the gander. I am shocked he arrived empty handed and didn't make this right by forking out for groceries.

He has a rule that only financially benefits him.

Did he ever pay for your transport costs down to him? I'm guessing not

Buggedandconfused Mon 13-Jan-20 20:44:37

Ex comes to mine as my daughter is a teenager and wants to spend time here, I left my ex and feel I should do what I can to give her stability. I’m on great terms with my ex and allowed it to keep my children happy given I had broken up the family.

chocolatesaltyballs22 Mon 13-Jan-20 20:45:09

He sounds really tight. Get rid.

Hercwasonaroll Mon 13-Jan-20 20:45:19

Written agreement..... Don't bother just dump the fucker.

ShamefulBlanket Mon 13-Jan-20 20:45:20

He sounds like a joy to be with. Not. How on earth is he calculating this ‘you owe him more for spending more time at his house’ on top of what you’re already doing? Occupying his breathing space? Honestly, it sounds ludicrously petty from him and not what an equal relationship is meant to be about.

Buggedandconfused Mon 13-Jan-20 20:45:28

No he never pays for my travel costs to him.

ComtesseDeSpair Mon 13-Jan-20 20:46:18

I spend much more time at boyfriend’s place than he does at mine simply because he lives more centrally for both of our workplaces. I once said to him that I really should contribute to his gas bill as I take relatively long showers when I’m there - and he just laughed and said it must add all of about £20 a month if that. To me, that’s normal - I probably cover the additional cost if I pick up wine or whatever when I’m on my way over but it was still right for me to check and for him to decline.

bigchris Mon 13-Jan-20 20:46:31

Oh op this sounds awful
Is he ok the rest of the time ?
If you lived together and had a child and were in maternity leave what would happen ?

NothingIsWrong Mon 13-Jan-20 20:47:25

Urgh. That sounds grim. I would chuck him for being tight.

Buggedandconfused Mon 13-Jan-20 20:47:26

He did end up paying for the groceries because I got upset- and said he’d misunderstood. But he doesn’t misunderstand when he’s taking £10 from me towards his groceries when I go to his!

Mumdiva99 Mon 13-Jan-20 20:48:29

Your ex doing contact at yours is fine if it works for your family. However your bf sounds unreasonable. I would give him a few weekends where you don't see each other. You can both reflect on where you see this going.

CheddarGorgeous Mon 13-Jan-20 20:49:00

He is a miserly bastard. Run.

Hairydogmummy Mon 13-Jan-20 20:50:59

That doesn't sound good at all...sounds really mean especially if he earns so much more than you. How would that work if you ever lived together? If it's not something you yourself would say/do normally with a partner, you're with the wrong guy...sorry.

ComtesseDeSpair Mon 13-Jan-20 20:51:07

It all sounds incredibly joyless, OP. Even between my friends and I, we don’t tally up exactly who pays for what and when, we all just take turns and it all evens out eventually. I cannot imagine being in a so-called partnership with somebody who was keeping a mental calculation of what money I “owed” to them for odds and ends, let alone apparently begrudged me staying at their house enough to think they deserved financial compensation for it.

Buggedandconfused Mon 13-Jan-20 20:51:13

I just feel worn down by it to be honest. He says he wants 50/50 for financial outgoings. I can do that every so often but not all the time.

Rojelio Mon 13-Jan-20 20:51:52

Travel costs really add up... how long distance is this, you have had a lot more travel costs, fair enough this is your choice but he's also saved on travel costs so is this taken into account?

CalleighDoodle Mon 13-Jan-20 20:52:29

Op he is a wanker. Bin him.

Lucyccfc68 Mon 13-Jan-20 20:52:33

I went out with someone like this. Happy to eat me out of house and home but expect me to contribute half to everything at his.

Lasted 3 months and dumped him. Funnily enough, I found out he ex-wife left him due to him being financially abusive.

Rojelio Mon 13-Jan-20 20:52:31

Also my main thoughts are just bin him off he's tight and that's very unattractive

ShamefulBlanket Mon 13-Jan-20 20:53:45

I bet he’s one of those bitter divorced men who thinks all women are after their precious money and is determined to ensure you pay the last 67p towards the coffee he ‘bought’ you.

CalleighDoodle Mon 13-Jan-20 20:54:19

Thats true about travel costs as well. Does reimburse you half?

And also, does having your ex at your house actually work for YOU?! It seems you've two
Men in your life who both treat you like crap.

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