It's a classic MN dilemma - I want another child, my husband doesn't and I have to accept it.
But I am struggling. I'm nearing 40 and I have been feeling broody for years with no signs of it wearing off as my kids get older. I KNOW that the parent who doesn't want any more trumps the one who does and I KNOW that even bringing up the subject is tantamount to manipulation, but I am worried that I am going to feel this resentful forever and I don't know how to get over it.
For background - I made it clear from when our youngest was quite little that I wanted another one (and actually always said I wanted three, although that was before we had any, so it doesn't really count, I know). He kept saying he didn't at the moment and I asked him to let me know if/when he decided one way or another and not leave me hanging along, hoping. Three years on and I had to confront him to get him to admit that he had made a decision, but didn't want to tell me becase he knew it wasn't what I wanted to hear.
I was upset, he was upset and I believe he is genuinely sorry, but it does nothing to mitigate the fact that I only asked him for one specific thing and he left me hanging like Miss Havisham, surrounded with baby clothes that I was keeping 'just in case', meanwhile he knew that there was never going to be any point to it and just said nothing.
He's not a bad dad. By which I mean, if he was a mum, he would probably be considered dangerously neglectful, but he is here, he does stuff with the kids, he's just a bit lazy and selfish and I've kind of facilitated that because he never complains about me (despite my many, many flaws) so I feel bad bringing up the fact that he does almost none of the family organising, planning, scheduling etc.
Post Christmas, when he bought roughly three presents out of the total for all our friends and family (including the kids) and I can feel the resentment welling up. My inner monologue is goading me on with the 'how dare he deny me another child because it will be a lot of work when he can't be arsed to even buy a present or plan a day out with the ones he has' (and of course, the devil's advocate saying 'if he's that bad, it's not fair to inflict him on another child').
I am so lost. I can't work out whether he's a perfectly nice man who is bearing the brunt of my disappointment at his perfectly reasonable decision to not have another baby, or a selfish arsehole who is denying me a chance to have another child because he can't be arsed to deal with the bit where he actually has to do stuff to contribute to their upbringing.
Is there a way to avoid this poisoning our marriage? I feel like talking to him about it would basically be saying 'If you don't agree to another baby, I'm going to resent you forever', but at the same time, I'm worried that I actually will and then it will be too late to do anything about it!
FWIW, I am not short of blessings to count and I am in no way under the illusion that this desire for another is rational or that it will ever go away, even if I had another (although I suspect biology would take care of that in due course and then it would be out of both our hands). But some days it feels like it's getting worse rather than better and I am so sad and confused and can't trust my own judgement. Any wise words would be much appreciated.
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Relationships
How can I avoid resentment?
SmallChickBilly · 13/01/2020 19:31
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