End of an affair

[Endofanaffair]

Mumsnet please go gentle. I've wanted to post this for a long time but know the MN view and haven't been strong enough to take the kicking. There are huge mental health issues going on here and I really need helpful advice rather than you are an awful person /kick me when down.

Background. Deliberately vague so as not to be identified.

How do you get over someone you have loved and cared about for nearly 15 years?

Not an affair for that entire time but a real true friendship and knowing each other better than the mask we both have worn in real life at times.

I have been completely in love with him and totally betrayed all of those around me including my own values. My mental health has been awful and I've considered various paths to end this all. Suicidal thoughts. Leaving husband. Abandoning family. Right now the plan is medication and counselling. Guilt comes in waves. It's mostly self doubting and loathing at moment.

Recently he's acknowledged his own mental health issues. It's far worse than I ever realised. I've supported him - classic rescued at one point. All of thoughts of him and I together went. Completely vanished. I just wanted him alive and happy.

We'll never be together and whilst we have said we will always care and be friends for now we can't be in touch. He doesnt love me. It hurts. I feel rejected plus I really miss him.

[Sally2791]

Keep busy, spend time with friends, be outside as much as possible, find new hobbies, volunteer and every time you think of him divert your thoughts. It will be hard, it will take time but don’t waste your efforts on someone who cannot love you back. Hope you feel better soon

[MMmomDD]

Sorry, it all sounds sad.
There isn’t any magic solutions, like any other relationship that didn’t work out - you grieve and it takes time. Long time given the duration of your involvement.
It’s great that you have counselling and meds. Counselling especially would be great to untangle some of the issues that you must have that lead you to this seemingly one sided relationship.
Otherwise - be kind to yourself and go light on loathing. Life is too short and you are clearly struggling as is.

[Newmumma83]

Sometimes we look in the wrong place for validation, especially when vulnerable.

You may have some big life changes to make and you need to re learn to love who you are.

Firstly you marriage :- are you happy with the man you are married too ... are you mentally unwell as a rule of thumb or do you need to work on or remove yourself from this situation?

The affair :- not great but it’s happened and it hasn’t ended how you would
Like ... the first question though why did you start it in the first place ? What series of events / feelings lead you to going against your normal moral compass and change what eliminates that you can.

Learn to re reach out and connect with those still in your life ...honestly being friends / family in love with some one mentally Poorly is exhausting and draining but if they are around you they genuinely love you , see value in who you are and are not just fair weather people.

We all make mistakes ... upside you haven’t
Killed anyone .. who ever is effected can move on and re build new lives

[WhatwouldRuthdo]

Describing it as a deep love affair, meaningful friendship and ability to be your true selves does not detract from what it was; an affair with the potential to devastate the partners and families dragged into it. If you were meant to be together, then you would have been years ago. Focus on the future, your own family and relationship. Counselling sounds very sensible. But it won’t help to romanticise the past.

[Endofanaffair]

My marriage/relationship. I'm not sure. I think it's made me a much more depressive person. My husband is pessimistic and I'm constantly having to move things along is the family. It's very tiring. I've never felt the spark with him like I have with the OM but I chose stability and opportunity when OM wasn't available. We broke things off whilst this happened.

The affair. Because I've always loved him. Wanted him and us together one day. Held on in the hope of that eventually. It's that simple. I thought he felt the same - that it was lack of opportunity. Now I see he cares for me but he'll never love me. He doesn't love friends. He's very much Asperger's but no diagnosis.

I've not started counselling yet but will be.

[Strongmummy]

I’m so sorry; it sounds like you’re going through hell.

As others have said it will take time. There’s no easy solution. You have to go completely no contact and throw yourself into other things as a distraction.

Remember love really is a drug and you are going through a similar withdrawal process. Try and think of it in such stark chemical terms and not romanticise it.

[Endofanaffair]

12WhatwouldRuthdo

I agree. My actions could have impacted so adversely on alot of people. The fact I've kept it hidden for most of the past 15 years makes me deeply shameful and concerned about my ability to be deceitful.

[Endofanaffair]

I also so I'm so angry with him as his recent honesty has made me question some key parts of our relationship. The time I was around then stayed away whilst his first relationship ended he resumed his last relationship. He never been honest with me about that.

Turns out he's cheated three times. For me it's only ever been him .

[Endofanaffair]

Can't challenge him as he's unwell. In future there will be no point as contact will be bad move.

[AtillatheHun]

It’s only ever been him. And your husband. Be honest here. You had a relationship with someone who you knew to be a cheat. What made you think they wouldn’t cheat on you? That’s the fundamental flaw with affairs - you’re investing emotionally in someone who by virtue of the fact they’re in that relationship with you, you know to have deep character flaws.

[45andfine]

Sounds like 2020 needs to be all about discovering yourself and learning to love yourself.

To date you need to accept that it's all been about trying things in order to find out who you DON'T want to be.

Make this the year to try on personality suits of who you do want to BE.

So many brilliant self help books out there. Start with Conversations with God by Neale Donald Walsh. It's not religious, but will help you get perspective and put you on the path to being able to love yourself.

You haven't done anything wrong so stop hating yourself ❤️

[YappityYapYap]

Did you know of and have a relationship with the OM before you met your husband? And you've gone back there on and off over the years whenever he's been single or he's called upon you?

[PleaseHelpM3]

You will be ok. I know. Because I used to think I wouldn't be ok. But, with time, I was.

[puds11]

You have to cut him off. No contact, nothing. It’ll get easier in time.

[aroundtheworldyet]

Now you’re no contact you’ll be able to really look at your own life and where you want that to go.
Because for 15 years you’ve basically been in limbo. Not living any type of real life.

Do therapy ASAP. You need to work out some things about yourself and why this ended up happening.

Also have you heard of intermittent reinforcement? Look it up. It happens easily in this situation and it’s like a drug.

[ScreamingLadySutch]

"The fact I've kept it hidden for most of the past 15 years " - please, please, please KEEP IT HIDDEN.

Its over. Now you have to work on you. Whatever happens, never, ever tell your husband. Never. That is like handing him a grenade because you want to share your guilt.

A clinical psychologist and I discussed this in length. We agreed that this is the one things that honesty is not worth (and I say this as a person who was cheated on). If it is over - SILENCE FOR EVER.

The agony and disillusionment of knowledge is simply not worth it. It is one of experiences that to the cheater is the discomfort of sandpaper, to the betrayed being flayed alive.

"his recent honesty has made me question some key parts of our relationship. He never been honest with me about that.

Turns out he's cheated three times."

You did not have a relationship, you had a fantasy. Cheaters lie. You got played and betrayed Hopefully, that will help give you some insight into the dynamics of affairs in your counselling.

[SuperbMonkey]

@ScreamingLadySutch. I agree with you in saying that the person cheated on is ‘flayed alive’. Frankly I don’t have much sympathy for people who do not end their marriages before starting affairs. Nor do I have much sympathy for those who enter relationships when unmarried with someone they know to be married. Not a moral statement but the statement from a living human being with feelings and a heart damaged by adultery and lies.

[DKmamma]

Be honest. Out your secrets and tackle it all in one hit. Take the decision to completely stop all the lies now and take full responsibility for your previous actions.

Only then can you process your feelings of loss, shed your guilt and move forward with your life. Good luck.

[Cheeseandwin5]

I am sorry you are in this situation, but I am afraid its very much of your own making.
You need to take care of yourself. You are going through an immense loss not only of someone you have (still do) love and cared for 15 years but also of the happy every after you saw your self.
It will be difficult and maybe it will be wise to seek counseling to help you.
It would also be remiss of me not to mention your DH, for he is the real victim here. For the large portion of your relationship he has been third best and a stop gap. I think its unwise for you to blame him for the state of your relationship as you will only be deflecting the responsibility. Whether you stay with him or not, it is probably time to start treating him with care and honesty.

[Linkedout321]

I’m in a very similar position to you. An affair type situation, on anti depressants - am going to speak to the doctor on my next appointment and ask about therapy. My behaviour towards my partner and 2 young children is appalling. I moved county a few years ago (thought this would end things) - and he’s moved here too. I feel sick with myself and in utter torment. I read the affair posts on here, convince myself to stop - and then the behaviour cycle starts again.

[ScreamingLadySutch]

"My behaviour towards my partner and 2 young children is appalling."

Why are you cheaters so horrible and cruel?

Its bad enough what you are doing, WHY do you mistreat the people you are deceiving on top of that?

[IncrediblySadToo]

@Endofanaffair. You sound too low & sad to deal with some posts, so be careful this thread doesn’t tip you into feeling worse

Don’t tell your DH, there’s no good to come of that. None. Not for you and not for him.

The OM has treated you horribly. He must have known how you felt about him, but he lied & cheated anyway. It’s not a given that a person who cheats in one relationship will always cheat- as you say, he was the only one’ for you. I know your heart is breaking because you love him and thought you’d be together - sadly the reality is that he doesn’t feel the same. You’re going to have to find your anger over how he’s treat you before you can start to heal.

Try to take your ride coloured glasses off so you can see how badly he treat you and do you can start to fall out of love with him.

Give it a bit of time then think about your marriage, he doesn’t sound right for you, so it might be time to pull up your big girl
Pants and separate from him too. Then work on what will make you happy- but before you do that you have to move in from any thoughts of being with the OM - who doesn’t want to be with you and frankly isn’t good enough for you.

You will be OK, it’ll take time, but you will be ok 🌷

[Strongmummy]

@ScreamingLadySutch why are YOU so horrible And cruel. This woman is in bits and you decide to kick her. Guess what? Humans make mistakes. I’m sure you’ve made some; your vitriolic post bring one of them

[ChipsyChopsy]

Can you write a letter to him, a series of letters? And never send them (or at least refrain from sending them until all of them have been written by which point you may not want to). You could write one a week. Every time you feel pain, or sadness or regret, you channel it into writing a paragraph of the letter.

[Endofanaffair]

Yes more recently- in the last part of this affair I made my feelings very well known. He was aware I was looking to leave my partner. My relationship has many issues.

He really did try and distance himself . It was me that didn't - that's the problem. I chased it . However I'm aware that for a year he continued, when we did see each other, knowing how I felt. For the last 15 years if has normally been on his terms. I've been happy with crumbs.

I haven't actually liked him much over the past year. But it continued. It was quite addictive and made me feel wanted.

He apologised recently as part of his breakdown. I saw the man I originally fell in love with. A honest version of him. All just too late. Some things I really didn't want to hear. About me. About how he felt about his ex. Literally his whole life. The spark went. Our relationship shifted. Anger wasn't appropriate then and it certainly won't help his recovery now.

I think I'm processing what I thought was our history. Questioning it all. Trying to work out at what point I allowed myself to go down this path. At what point over the last fifteen years have I been happy? The birth of my first child when we weren't in contact. The point I stayed out of contact for two years or more when it was apparent he needed to give his last relationship time to work. ( Huge lies have been shattered during his honesty about timelines on that relationship. So bloody angry with him)

I agree about the silence I must keep. If I end my marriage then I end it for our own with issues. It would tear my husband apart. I care for him so much but he doesn't always treat me with love or compassion. He's ignored my mental health at times when I've really needed it. MH is something he doesn't get. He's a good dad.