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Outside perspective on husband and mine argument

(267 Posts)
Suzie567 Sun 12-Jan-20 21:20:57

husband commented today that we should only have our kids birthday parties every 3 years or so. We’ve only had 2 parties so far for eldest (6) and none for second one. Every year he starts an argument at the mention of a party so that’s reason we had very few. His reason is that as a kid he only had party every 3 or 4 years - but as I keep telling him that was 30 years ago! Just for perspective, and not for a boast, we are not struggling for money and are quite comfortable. He really annoyed me today so I kind of lost it and told him the parties are for our kids not for him and it makes me happy organising and planning so what’s his problem. We argued all day and in evening I calmed down and tried to talk to him. I asked why he doesn’t like the idea of parties but he started his usual shouting and screaming at me.

He’s downstairs now sobbing away. I feel really bad that I wish I hadn’t brought up the party but then why can’t my kids have a normal life like their friends. I don’t know how to handle this. Any outside perspective pls.

Ginger1982 Sun 12-Jan-20 21:33:20

Did he have some sort of traumatic childhood?

Haggisfish Sun 12-Jan-20 21:34:26

Sobbing?! What is his reasoning??

Suzie567 Sun 12-Jan-20 21:35:06

No he had a very happy childhood and is close with his family. His childhood was so different to mine. We had nothing growing up that’s why I want my kids to have happy memories of parties etc. My parents could never afford a party for me and my siblings we were very poor.

pog100 Sun 12-Jan-20 21:36:35

Sobbing? He sounds unhinged, why would he have such strong opinions on parties and to arguments with you. You should maybe get to the bottom of that but in the meantime organise parties as you think fit.

OoohTheStatsDontLie Sun 12-Jan-20 21:36:54

It would concern me that he cant give you a reason for it. Disagreements are fine but both couples in a relationship should be able to put their point across without name calling, sarcasm or shouting etc. If it's you organising it and you can afford it and they are not completely over the top and spoiling your children then I don't get what his issue is - but neither will you unless he can be more specific. 'That's what I did as a kid' isn't really a logical reason for anything (unless its something he really loved and thinks his child will love as well)

Ragwort Sun 12-Jan-20 21:36:56

The fact that your DH is ‘sobbing’ about this is extremely sad, surely you want to support your DH through this rather than ‘insist’ on parties every year for your children.

When he is calmer try and gently talk it through, how would be like to celebrate birthdays? Perhaps an outing or a family meal out?

OoohTheStatsDontLie Sun 12-Jan-20 21:38:14

Ragwort surely its about what the child wants? If the dad has an idea about how he wants to celebrate with his children (eg family day out) surely they could do that as well?

TitianaTitsling Sun 12-Jan-20 21:39:05

He is sobbing? That's either an extreme reaction due to something difficult in his past or horrifically manipulating.

AlexaShutUp Sun 12-Jan-20 21:39:15

Sobbing seems a massive overreaction.

Are you expecting him to do half of the work for the parties and he can't be arsed? Or is he objecting to the idea of an annual party for each child on principle?

It seems an odd thing to feel so strongly about tbh.

RandomMess Sun 12-Jan-20 21:39:52

Does he have a fear that it's showing off or they will be spoiled confused

Haggisfish Sun 12-Jan-20 21:40:14

Ltb

SharkAttack1972 Sun 12-Jan-20 21:42:21

Sobbing???? He sounds pathetic!! Don't feel sorry for him! Tell him to get a grip! He sounds unhinged

lazylinguist Sun 12-Jan-20 21:43:19

He sounds very odd tbh, especially the shouting, screaming and sobbing. Why wouldn't you have a party every year?! Doesn't have to be a huge one.

Sally2791 Sun 12-Jan-20 21:43:23

He sounds very odd. If the DC would like parties, you can afford it and are happy to do it, it would be more rational if he went out for the duration rather than sobbing about it.

Suzie567 Sun 12-Jan-20 21:43:23

He’s a very emotional guy to be honest it doesn’t take much for him to cry. I don’t think he’s crying to be manipulative or traumatic experience I think it’s just cos we argued and that’s how he copes with arguments. It’s no pony trying to be rational with him as his personality is that once he decides that’s it. I think he might be a little spoilt as family pander to him.

rvby Sun 12-Jan-20 21:43:30

What happened in the argument that hes crying now? That's an extreme reaction and I'm trying to understand what has happened from his perspective?

Lucylivesinamushroomhouse Sun 12-Jan-20 21:43:47

This is really bizarre. How did he feel about only having a birthday party every 3 years? If it made him sad, why put his kids through that? Does he feel it was character building? Is he concerned about spoiling them? A party a year is pretty normal and it doesn’t have to be a big event. I love parties and organising them and it sounds like you do too, so I’d be irritated if my husband said this. But sobbing is quite an extreme reaction so it makes me think he has some underlying issue that you’ve not got to the bottom of....?

Suzie567 Sun 12-Jan-20 21:43:57

*point not pony

ohwheniknow Sun 12-Jan-20 21:43:59

He screamed at you and is now sobbing loudly enough for you to hear from elsewhere in the house? Sounds highly manipulative.

What kind of parties are you planning? Unless you've left out the part where you remortgaged your home to fund the last one he's being unreasonable and ridiculous.

Bet your kids' friends don't have to listen to their mum being screamed at.

Suzie567 Sun 12-Jan-20 21:45:10

The 2 parties we had were both at home. It’s never been anything extravagant.

ohwheniknow Sun 12-Jan-20 21:45:19

So what happens now if you continue to stand your ground? Or do you always give in to the crying?

user1493413286 Sun 12-Jan-20 21:45:36

Why is he shouting and screaming about a party? And now sobbing? I’m with you on the party thing; especially as by about 10/11 they tend to have birthday outings etc rather than parties but I’m surprised it would create so much conflict.

Fleetheart Sun 12-Jan-20 21:45:59

He is being rather unreasonable. Many things are different today than 30 years ago. Can you talk about this again when he has calmed down? It really is very peculiar of him

Andsbk Sun 12-Jan-20 21:46:04

My husband was telling exactly the same thing and of course last year for my daughter 3 birthday we had a small party. At the end I realised that I should listen to him and not to invite anyone and spend all that money I've spent for food, cakes, drinks etc with my kids, buy some nice stuff for them.

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