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Former friend and her friends making my life difficult

(17 Posts)
merismam Sun 12-Jan-20 19:19:40

This is my first post here, so, hello everyone! Pleased to meet you all!

A few months ago my close friend (26) of several years and I (29) fell out, and since then she's been making my life unpleasant. It's a bit of a long story, so I'll try to summarise it as best I can:

This former friend and I are part of the same social circle, which happens to contain a group of women (ages 25-30) who took against me over a year ago and made my life hell, after I privately confronted one of them about something underhand I caught her doing.

My then friend couldn't stand this group because of what they did to me, only to become one of them the moment she and I fall out. In spite of everything she herself witnessed them do, she literally ran straight to them and threw herself into their arms. Now they're all very subtly trying to oust me from the social circle, and I feel I have no recourse because these people are the alphas.

After swearing last year when the bullying started that I wouldn't let them beat me, I've quit attending meets altogether, and have scaled down my social media interactions. A mutual acquaintance told me that my former friend and her new bosom buddies are saying on the quiet that this is evidence of my culpability. I asked said acquaintance what she thought of the situation, but she said she wasn't going to take sides.

If I had some recourse (preferably legal) it would be one thing, but I am unable to contest any of the accusations because they're spread in private, by the group with the most social clout. I would say it shocks me that grown women with husbands/partners, children and careers can behave like this, but it doesn't. What is more, the fact that these people check all the boxes for what a successful woman is, and I do not, means they have the upper hand on credence.

I wish it was as easy as me just leaving the social circle and finding new friends, but it isn't. Sure I can cut back my activities, but this community is something I've invested so much in, I would honestly feel bereft if I removed myself entirely from it.

This is ridiculous. I'm an adult, but I feel like I'm back in secondary school. I'm old enough and ugly enough to be above all this teenage rubbish. Yet, here we are.

Has anyone else been in a similar situation? If so, what did you do about it?

Thanks.

12345kbm Sun 12-Jan-20 19:38:56

OP this social circle is finished for you. I can't believe your so called friend immediately jumped ship. That must have been very hurtful.

Disengage completely. Avoid them. I have no idea why but you are now the group scapegoat and that isn't going to change.

You can get legal advice free in some areas, check out the info here: www.lawworks.org.uk/legal-advice-individuals However, it's not a route I'd recommend.

Invest your time and energy elsewhere.I understand that you have invested a lot in this friendship group but it's sunk costs fallacy. And no, I'm not surprised grown adults are behaving like school yard bullies, it seems you've been lucky so far in not having experienced it at work or in other situations. You have now, so you know to cut and run sooner rather than later, if you spot the signs again.

MMmomDD Sun 12-Jan-20 19:47:01

Too much drama OP.
Find new social circle as it’s clear that you have fallen out with most of them - and there is no way back.

Also - how is that that you couldn’t resolve whatever fall out you had with your long term friend?
On its own - the original falling out with one person is one thing. Two falling outs is a pattern. Can there be anything about how you interact with people? You mention then being somehow different (in your eyes) to you in their accomplishments, etc. Can it possibly have something to do with how you felt/interacted with them?

RhubarbTea Sun 12-Jan-20 19:51:44

Is this a religious group, OP? Otherwise I can't understand why you'd hang around to be treated shoddily. Yes it's shit, but sometimes you just have to give up on certain groups of people and strike out to meet new folk. I've been there and it hurts but there is not much else you can do.

damnthatanxiety Sun 12-Jan-20 20:09:51

The post is too vague. I can't understand what you might have caught one of them doing to turn them all against you or what they re doing to you now that may be infringing some legalities. Or why you can't just leave?

redexpat Sun 12-Jan-20 21:08:00

Life is too short for this shit. Find new friends.

Puddlepop Sun 12-Jan-20 22:01:03

Forget them. They won’t stop being petty and mean, you will always feel like you don’t belong. Leave the group with all your self-respect and righteousness intact, find new friends who aren’t like these. This is not a social group that will add any value to your life.

ubersuper Mon 13-Jan-20 04:46:09

Stop trying. I’ve been here and once you’re the scapegoat then it’s finished. In my case I spoke out against something hurtful one of them had done to me and I suddenly became group pariah. I blocked them all immediately and have never spoken to them again and neither will I. Have more pride OP. Put your energy into meeting new people. It’s unfair but the best thing is to do something different.

MzHz Mon 13-Jan-20 05:34:43

Honestly, they’re not worth it!

Cut them all dead, start again

Don’t keep holding on to the hope that they will suddenly become the people you’d like them to be,

Oh and the “investment” sunken cost fallacy- they’re awful women and they’re likely to tear themselves apart sooner or later because that’s who they are...

You deserve better. Rise.

AlternativePerspective Mon 13-Jan-20 05:41:00

Is this some kind of blog post/writing exercise? Because it all sounds far too sterile in the way it’s written.

That being said, the idea of taking legal action because you’ve fallen out with some friends is ridiculous.

They’re no longer your friends and this is no longer your social circle. Why you would think you could continue to be a part of it is beyond me.

Yes falling out with people is hurtful. But once the friendships are over so are the associations which go with those friendships.

Honeyroar Mon 13-Jan-20 05:43:36

It’s very hard to say without knowing what really happened and what kind of group it is. Generally I’d say walk away from what information you’ve given.

Poing Mon 13-Jan-20 07:50:32

Oh OP, this is a horrid situation. Similar thing happened to me. A friend and I stood up for something that was illegal and damaging our children. I expected support but the whole group, including that friend above, turned against me, including some friends I had really respected. What also really hurt was the slander and hostility, and that no-one contacted me to verify anything or to support me.

It has taken me a year to recover my self-esteem and to understand and accept that these people were not my friends. The best thing for me to remember is that I stood for and did the right thing, and that when I see these people in public, I have nothing to be ashamed of. I can smile and be myself.

I find it harder to trust people now, and take a lot longer to make friends, but now I have a few friends around me who I really like and who have shown me what good friendships are.

neverornow Mon 13-Jan-20 07:58:40

I'm afraid you've been made the scapegoat.
Leave them all behind you. Walk away now with your pride still intact.
Honestly they are not worth it.

merismam Tue 14-Jan-20 19:51:17

Thank you so much for the replies, everyone, and I apologise for being unable to respond to you all individually. Certainly some food for thought here.

Much as I find consolation in knowing I'm not the only one this has happened to, it upsets me that it happens at all. True, no-one said life was fair, but why some people find gratification in making it even more unfair is just sad.

In response to several questions:

Essentially, I witnessed one of the queen bees stealing, with her young daughter in tow. This didn't sit well with me, because what kind of an attitude is that to teach to your children? No, I cannot prove she was actively training the girl to steal, but doing it in the kid's company seems a little suspect to me. Plus, it was an item well within this woman's financial means. I could have just minded my own business, and in hindsight perhaps I should have, but I confronted her in private. Obviously, things didn't go well.

My former friend and I fell out over her parenting style. She and her fiancee work hard, but also party hard, and their son spends more time with babysitters than with his parents. She and her husband are TTC a second child, and I questioned her on whether a second child was a wise decision given that she barely has time for the first one. She is also obsessed with being better than her female contemporaries in every way; if someone else is achieving more career-wise than her, is more attractive, thinner, etc, she can't stand it. She's pure Type A.

My suspicion is she wanted me as a friend because I'm just bog standard average, whereas all her other friends are over-achievers like herself. She also has a very wandering eye when it comes to men, but if any other woman so much as dare to flirt with her guy she wants to kill them.

I stood by and watched her behave like this for as long as I'd known her, and didn't voice my concerns until recently. Those concerns were solely regarding her parenting, nothing else. It wasn't as if I just barged straight in the moment I met her and tried to call the shots on her life choices.

AIBU in either or both cases? Honestly, I don't know. Perhaps I should take this as a lesson in keeping my opinions to myself when it concerns other people's children? Maybe I lack tact? Do I seem like I have a holier than thou attitude?

MMmomDD Tue 14-Jan-20 23:24:02

I don’t know OP.
Your first example sounds weird. Maybe the woman has some sort of an issue. However - you seem to immediately brought in a suggestion that she was ‘teaching her child to steal’ - that seems far fetched.

Your second example is you BU, I am afraid. It’s not on you to judge someone ‘parenting style’ and question their lifestyle and their desire to have another child. And to lay it out to her - I can see why she decided to drop the friendship.

And yes - unless there is abuse and harm to children - you should keep your opinions about other people children to yourself. There is a wide range of styles and preferences and you aren’t the judge of what’s right/wrong.

Also in the way you describe your friend’ it comes out quite clearly that you never really liked her. You say she had you as a friend because she used you for something. It also then appears you did the same - she must have been useful to you too? Otherwise why be friends with someone you actually dislike.

You also keep mentioning other people’s achievements and you being average, etc. Why are you so focused on that?

RhubarbTea Fri 17-Jan-20 21:09:12

The thing that comes across overwhelmingly is that you really don't like these people. They'll be picking up on that, overtly or on a subconscious level. Perhaps that's why you've been ousted?

Gutterton Fri 17-Jan-20 21:19:16

You questioned a friend on whether her and her DH should be TTC because you didn’t rate her parenting..........

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