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Red flags? ***includes content some might find upsetting***

(294 Posts)

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mermaidtales Sun 12-Jan-20 17:38:04

I don't even know why I'm asking, I think I'm just so disappointed and upset, I need to vent.

I was going to ask if the following scenario was red flag territory but of course it is.

I've been seeing a lovely guy for around ten months. We have a lot in common and I enjoy spending time with him. We have talked about a future and I was looking forward to this.

He has shown some controlling behaviour previously. Asked me to delete certain males off social media etc. I refused but he wasn't happy.

I recently liked an insta post of somebody he particularly dislikes. We had a date yesterday and were in bed and he mentioned it. He told me to delete this person and I told him no, I won't be told who I can and can't interact with on SM.

He then initiated anal sex. I said no I didn't want to. He held me down and did it anyway. I was shocked and upset but I didn't try to throw him off or anything. It was very obvious I was upset afterwards and he apologised profusely, and continued to apologise by text later on. However, by way of explanation, he said that he'd needed to dominate me because I refused to do as I was asked regarding social media.

I'm feeling very confused and upset. I do enjoy quite rough sex, but I know this was different. And I believe he knows this was different too.

I guess I am asking how others would feel? I know it's a massive warning sign and in my heart of hearts I know he hurt and disrespected me. I'm just gutted overall.

Heatherjayne1972 Sun 12-Jan-20 17:40:55

Seeetie. He raped you
Get rid
Think about going to the police
And that’s before the controlling social media stuff. That would be enough for me to say goodbye on its own

You can do better

Please dump him pronto

Aminuts23 Sun 12-Jan-20 17:43:54

He needs reporting to the police. I’m sorry this happened to you. You’ll be in shock right now but he has raped you. Rape is about domination and violence. He’s even told you why he did it. He’s a monster. This is more than a red flag. It’s a criminal violent act.

Nextsteps84 Sun 12-Jan-20 17:47:18

Please leave this will never be a one of he will do this again and again, until you are a shell of the person you were before.

Sometimes it easier to listen to what excuses they have and believe them because the alternative is harder to deal with, but believe me staying will only damage you more in the long run.

Please leave x

Thingsdogetbetter Sun 12-Jan-20 17:47:33

Fucking hell! What the fuck will he do next time you don't do as you're told? He's using his need to dominate and punish you as his EXCUSE for raping you! WTF. Block now. Never allow him to communicate with you again. He will twist your words, and charm you until you're confused and minimising.

Police if you can, but run if you can't. He's a psychopath at the very least.

Apileofballyhoo Sun 12-Jan-20 17:48:57

He raped you OP. I'm so sorry.

AsleepAllDay Sun 12-Jan-20 17:50:10

Wow no, that's rape. Being held down and forced to have sex when you don't want to is textbook rape. I'd go to the police

ohwheniknow Sun 12-Jan-20 17:50:15

He raped you. I'm so sorry.

You can get help from a SARC without having to go the police, although the option was there.

Rape Crisis is there for you too.

You didn't consent. That you weren't able to fight doesn't change that.

Babdoc Sun 12-Jan-20 17:55:09

This is not merely a red flag - this is a five year prison sentence for rape.
Op, for goodness sake go to the police and get this bastard arrested and off the streets. Do it for every other woman’s sake if you won’t do it for your own - he will not limit himself to one victim or one episode.

Raindancer411 Sun 12-Jan-20 17:56:03

That was totally wrong and he knows it. You need to move on and block him.

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 Sun 12-Jan-20 18:12:10

OMG are you okay? Sorry to say you've been raped. Please report this so this monster can't do it to anyone else

12345kbm Sun 12-Jan-20 18:12:29

I'm so sorry this happened to you and I can only repeat what others have said. He raped you. I'm so sorry.

You might find this helpful to read in order to understand better what's happened and to seek appropriate support: www.nhs.uk/live-well/sexual-health/help-after-rape-and-sexual-assault/

Please confide in someone about what's happened. Get some support and keep away from this man. He's a sick, dangerous rapist and I doubt this was his first time.

Well done for saying no by the way and for spotting his controlling behaviour regarding social media. You are not responsible and you could not have known that his abuse would escalate to that level.And well done for reaching out for help and advice.

MrsAgassi Sun 12-Jan-20 18:17:08

It sounds as though you are probably in a bit of shock, as you know what he did was wrong but haven’t quite been able to acknowledge that he’s raped you.

Please speak to the Police, they have specially trained officers that can help and support you.

Quartz2208 Sun 12-Jan-20 18:17:19

he raped you because you liked an instragram post?

Police really OP. Or if you dont feel up for that move on and block. He punished you because you did not tow the line. That is neither a lovely man nor someone that you want future with. Neither is it a red flag in that red flags warn you - this was an out and out assault.

And imagine this is what he needs to do for liking an instagram post imagine what the next stage in punishment would be

category12 Sun 12-Jan-20 18:18:48

You were raped.

category12 Sun 12-Jan-20 18:19:25

Please speak to RapeCrisis.

Jane1978xx Sun 12-Jan-20 19:15:26

As this was last night there will be evidence you can go to the police station or hospital and they will
Help you.

Even in extreme bdsm etc there is an agreement of action and no means no

LadyLightning Sun 12-Jan-20 19:19:46

Please take care of yourself. This is a terrible thing to happen and you cannot hope to go forward in relationship with someone who would do this. If you cant face the police, call rape crisis. Lots of love and support to you, I am so sorry you are going through this.

anotherdisaster Sun 12-Jan-20 19:24:53

OP even if you can't face reporting this man, please end things with him and block him RIGHT NOW. He is very dangerous. If he is doing this to you now, imagine the lengths he will go to further down the line.

ChangedMyNameYetAgain Sun 12-Jan-20 19:38:46

Asked me to delete certain males off social media etc. I refused but he wasn't happy.
Controlling.

I've been seeing a lovely guy for around ten months.
No, you have been seeing a rapist.

Red flags
No, not red flags - much worse than that.

Block him, don't see him, cut all contact and block him on social media.
Whether or not you report him is up to you but you should as his behaviour is disgusting and he will do it to someone else if you don't.

gobbynorthernbird Sun 12-Jan-20 19:41:10

He's a rapist. He will rape you every time you don't obey him if you don't finish things now.

Please get some support from Rape Crisis.

RLEOM Sun 12-Jan-20 19:42:04

Keep his apology messages as evidence. Report him to the police because that was rape. And even if he doesn't get convicted, at least it'll be on record.

I'm sorry you had to go through this. flowers

RebelWithVerySharpClaws Sun 12-Jan-20 19:43:06

Look after yourself OP, he is a rapist. Keep yourself safe.

JKScot4 Sun 12-Jan-20 19:44:43

He admitted he taped you because you didn’t obey him, he’s dangerous, block everywhere and if you think you can go to the Police.

JKScot4 Sun 12-Jan-20 19:44:58

* not taped 🙄

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