Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
What the hell is going on??!!(383 Posts)
So I need some perspective. I'm going out of my mind.
DH birthday tomorrow and so we went out for the day today as a little treat. Plan was to get to the town/place, have a coffee, look around a few shops and then have dinner altogether in quite a nice place which has some nice memories for us - kids with us too. DH said to kids bring some pocket money to spend at the shops.
Got there all good. Had coffee, mooched in an art gallery and a couple of grown up (boring) shops and then DH says right let's go and have dinner. I said to him about kids spending there pocket money (his suggestion) and asked could we do that first/before.
Cue a huge and prolonged rant from him at me in the street in front of kids and loads of people. So cringe. Lots of shouting about it always being about the kids and he wants to do what he wants to do on his birthday! So awful so embarrassing. I was so shocked and taken aback by his outburst.
He then says right let's look at shops then and stormed down the high street with us trailing behind. We didn't go into any shops and eventually got to the nice food place and he said no he didn't want to go in as it's spoiled so we went to a pizza place instead and ate in virtual silence.
Got home had a bit of a row (again) and basically he says I'm thoughtless and only care about the kids and he wanted one day for himself. I think he is being really childish and immature.
Now he's sulking and acting wounded like such a martyr that I feel guilty even though he overreacted and caused the whole nonsense!
Is it just me or is it him? I'm so confused I feel like I did something so awful and ruined his birthday - that is how he is acting
Ps he does have form for doing this kind of thing and it's always because I've done something 'thoughtless'
Please tell me if you think I was the arse in this situation. I tried to calm it down at the time - but then did lose my cool a bit when we got home.
I’m sorry he behaved like that. You say he has ‘form’ for this, sounds like he acts like a petulant child. I have no answer other than to suggest you sit down and have a proper talk about why he does this and why he thinks it’s ok.
And no, you were not the arse in the situation.
You certainly didn’t do anything thoughtless OP.
He sounds like a dick tbh. At his suggestion they took their pocket money to spend. What harm would it have done to let them spend it?
He has ruined his birthday. No one else. Don’t take the blame or feel guilty. This is on him.
He told them to bring pocket money. He was being an arse. If he said 'it's my birthday, I don't want to trail round toy shops' then that would be fine.
Jesus Christ. Is he 10?
I’m sorry for you all.
He’s being a complete prick.
Maybe he’s going through something odd re his age...turning 30/40?
That’s not ok behaviour and he needs to know that. Your kids must feel awful.
It’s definitely him not you. He is an arse. How horrible to treat you and the children like that. That’s no way to live, having to appease him , not knowing what innocuous comment might send him off on a rant. Get rid and be happier just you and the kids.
Your poor kids... how old are they?
He sounds like a total man child! I'd be absolutely fuming with him.
Maybe he set you up to fail so he could shout at you and feel vindicated.
It's one of the things from the Why Does He Do That? book by Lundy Bancroft.
It's him in his cycle of abuse? Gives him a reason to blow his top at you. Uses you as his emotional punching bag. Gets rid of his present up tension. Had no guilt as your 'thoughtless' actions (orchestrated by him) led to it happening. Reinforced by the fact you all ended up at the crappier pizza joint.
Just a thought....
Wow. A grown up man jealous of his own children. I’m really sorry, I hope you are OK. It made my stomach twist thinking of you and the children traipsing behind him and then eating your meal in silence.
You were NOT thoughtless, his behaviour was dreadful.
Ew he sounds like a gross attention seeking man child!
Even if my DP did feel like this, he would have just had a quiet word to communicate that he wanted to enjoy certain things/at certain times on "his day".
All sounds a bit cringe though; if he expected a day out focused solely on him then he should have arranged to go without the kids. Any day out with children involved is surely (and rightfully IMO) going to be about them to some degree?
It sounds like a weird over reaction that has stemmed from him bottling up these sorts of feelings before. While I would talk to him, it is off puttingly selfish and immature from my perspective, but obviously this is literally the only thing I know about your DH!
I would have been more cross at the childish refusal to go to the restaurant and his determination to keep the mood sour for the rest of the day. Very disappointing and purile behaviour.
He needs to either be able to communicate with you sensibly like a loving partner or fuck off and keep his tantrums to himself, especially if he has form. Does he have form for just having strops, does it ever feel like he engineers situations in which he can be attention seeking and get angry?
Christ, it's not even his birthday yet. And even if it were, how horrible and self-indulgent to upset his children with such a display. What a wanker.
Don't let your DC eat in silence any more.
I'd be fucking furious
Poor you and your kids having to endure the rantings of a man child
Sounds like he has form for this, what a shit life for you and the children.
Thank you! My first instinct when he is like this is to be put out and think oh my god this is so not a normal way to behave!! Then as the hours tick by I start to doubt myself and get to the point I am now. Every single time. He twists my words and makes me think that I am a horrible and selfish person and that my actions have ruined things. It often happens on birthdays (any of our birthdays) or other special occasions.
He has got issues and we've had issues for about 10 years - he is finally getting counselling for issues from his childhood.
He said that he changed his mind and wanted to eat earlier and that he thought the kids had had more than enough time to look at shops. I can't relate to that kind of 'Dad'. We weren't well off when i was growing up but I knew my dad had my back and I could rely on him emotionally. I just want that for my kids. They think that it's their fault for wanting to look at their shops!
"does it ever feel like he engineers situations in which he can be attention seeking and get angry?"
You mention he had 'form' for doing this which put it in my mind that he made sure to mess up the day and find a way to blame you.
He's managing you. He's teaching you the consequence of not skipping through hoops to guess what will please him. This is just the beginning. He's only warming up. He's training you to accept being subservient to him because the consequence of upsetting the apple cart is too great.
Or. To put it simple. As we say about my stbxh. He's a cunt.
Maybe he set you up to fail so he could shout at you and feel vindicated
Absolutely this OP and that's why I ask if he has form for trying to make you feel sorry for him. If that's the case he sounds selfish and attention seeking and manipulative
Fancy acting like that in front of your children, especially for them knowing their own dad put a massive strop on because their mum suggested doing something nice for them (which had already been planned by the dad!)
Yuck. I hope you are okay
It's so odd I actually thought today has he done this so he can shout at me and then accuse me of spoiling it all!!
I asked him why he didn't just say to me quietly can we go to eat now and not look at the shops - he said he felt ignored and that I wanted to get my own way and the only way of getting through to me was to kick off!
The kids are 9 and 11.
He said I insisted that we take the kids to the shops -as promised! He said I was forceful - I wasn't, I just suggested different timings for the afternoon, he could have said then calmly that he would prefer to go and have dinner instead of shouting!!
I have a thing about promising kids things and then taking it away/changing your mind an hour later. I don't want to be that parent. That's shit as far as I'm concerned!
Poor kids and poor you.
Not poor dh. If he always spoils special days then do them without him. Shove him in a crèche for the day instead.
He sounds like a gert knob.
That's not normal for a parent, or any grown up really. You're still a parent on your birthday, you still want to look after your kids and make them happy. Even if you were a bit of a selfish entitled prick, you'd say "no sorry, do you mind if we just go straight to eat, I'm actually really hungry". There's absolutely no need at all to have a massive tantrum and ruin everyone's day. What a horrible man.
My poor kids having to hear their father say to me 'of course, today is all about them isn't it!"
Without even saying anything he apparently decided the only solution was a full on tantrum?
This sounds like the twisted logic of a manipulatively abusive partner OP
I'm really sorry you are going through this, it definitely sounds completely different to end if the day tired snappiness. Especially since you mention he has form for acting up on special occasions. Really sad
Join the discussion
Registering is free, quick, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Get started »
Please login first.