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I think I have well and truly screwed my marriage up..

70 replies

dejags · 28/08/2007 20:26

I was going to change my name for this, but anybody who remotely "knows" me on MN would soon put 2 & 2 together, I also just don't have the energy.

DH and I have been together for fifteen years. We have three kids.

Since the latter stages of my pregnancy with our DD (born 4 months ago), I have been quite a bitch to be blunt. I am very up and down, prone to tears, mood swings and being just totally awful to DH and the kids. PND I hear you all scream. I think it might be that, but I also think I am just struggling to get on with life.

I had terrible morning sickness with DD - it lasted until 28 weeks. She was born four weeks early and ended up critically ill on her due date in ICU - we nearly lost her. After that, we were told she may have a serious congenital heart defect. We had to wait two days for an echocardiogram, it was clear. Two days later, I found some lumps in my breast. The GP send me for an emergency mammogram and scan, it was clear. Shortly after that DH started having terrible digestive problems, he suffered for a month and eventually went to the doctor. He was referred for a gastroscopy - it was clear. In between this, DH's 21 year old cousin was shockingly diagnosed with bowel cancer.

DH's dad died when he was just 27 of cancer - his symptoms were very similar to those that DH was suffering from. Our stress levels were silently soaring. DH's mum also died very young from breast cancer 4 years ago.

So back to things. DH was eventually diagnosed with a spontaneously collapsed lung last week and had to have a major op to correct it (he spent a couple of days in ICU for his trouble). He checked out the hospital on Saturday against medical advice and has been at home since.

So what with everything going on, I do my best to run around after the children. DS1 in school, DS2 in Nursery and newborn DD. The older children are throwing major wobblies because Daddy is in hospital. All they remember is when DD was in hospital (3 week stay) and our stress when we weren't sure if she would live or die. So they are acting up.

DD and DS2 are not sleeping. They are tag teaming it. One wakes, wakes up the other, I get one off to sleep then the other one wakes the other one up - you get my drift. Its just me doing nights because DH is out of action.

In between all of this I do have gross PMT and swear and scream for the four days before my period (mostly silently, but I am ashamed to admit, more and more I do it in front of the kids). When my period arrives it's like a magic button and my mood improves.

So this morning. I lost it. It started last night. I was trying to get the kids ready for bed. DS2 was in the bath and DD was screaming. He was playing me up - running away, saying he hated me, wouldn't get out of the bath. I couldn't leave him in the bath unattended. DD was by now totally hysterical. DH was upstairs in bed (he had hotfooted it up there earlier on in the evening when a visitor arrived whom he didn't want to speak to).

So I got cross. I thought he could just have come downstairs to put the baby's dummy in or at least have sent DS1. Never mind, we had a small row and went to bed in separate beds (me downstairs because the two littles have me up all night).

Back to this morning. I totally lost it. I had been awake most of the night (less than 3 hours of broken sleep). DH in bed again (where he should be I might add). So after me having a shouting fit - he gets dressed and says he is going to work. The bloke is seriously not fit for work and is now doing this to make me feel guilty for my transgression. To make matters worse he starts charging up and down the house lifting things - this could kill him and he knows it.

So tonight he tells me that I basically make him ill. That it's the stress of not knowing where he stands with me that's the reason for him being sick and that I am going to kill him. He says he is going back to work and that I am fucking up our marriage and the children. I say repeatedly that I am sorry for losing it this morning (as I am very sorry) but he is having none of it. I try to tell him that the stress of the past four months has also taken it's toll on me. But he doesn't want to know. After all the fallings out lately, I am not surprised.

So tomorrow he is going to go to work and risk his life to make a point. What a shite wife am I?

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dejags · 28/08/2007 20:26

that was too long. excuse the rambling and deffo feel free to ignore.

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