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I think I have well and truly screwed my marriage up..

(71 Posts)
dejags Tue 28-Aug-07 20:26:29

I was going to change my name for this, but anybody who remotely "knows" me on MN would soon put 2 & 2 together, I also just don't have the energy.

DH and I have been together for fifteen years. We have three kids.

Since the latter stages of my pregnancy with our DD (born 4 months ago), I have been quite a bitch to be blunt. I am very up and down, prone to tears, mood swings and being just totally awful to DH and the kids. PND I hear you all scream. I think it might be that, but I also think I am just struggling to get on with life.

I had terrible morning sickness with DD - it lasted until 28 weeks. She was born four weeks early and ended up critically ill on her due date in ICU - we nearly lost her. After that, we were told she may have a serious congenital heart defect. We had to wait two days for an echocardiogram, it was clear. Two days later, I found some lumps in my breast. The GP send me for an emergency mammogram and scan, it was clear. Shortly after that DH started having terrible digestive problems, he suffered for a month and eventually went to the doctor. He was referred for a gastroscopy - it was clear. In between this, DH's 21 year old cousin was shockingly diagnosed with bowel cancer.

DH's dad died when he was just 27 of cancer - his symptoms were very similar to those that DH was suffering from. Our stress levels were silently soaring. DH's mum also died very young from breast cancer 4 years ago.

So back to things. DH was eventually diagnosed with a spontaneously collapsed lung last week and had to have a major op to correct it (he spent a couple of days in ICU for his trouble). He checked out the hospital on Saturday against medical advice and has been at home since.

So what with everything going on, I do my best to run around after the children. DS1 in school, DS2 in Nursery and newborn DD. The older children are throwing major wobblies because Daddy is in hospital. All they remember is when DD was in hospital (3 week stay) and our stress when we weren't sure if she would live or die. So they are acting up.

DD and DS2 are not sleeping. They are tag teaming it. One wakes, wakes up the other, I get one off to sleep then the other one wakes the other one up - you get my drift. Its just me doing nights because DH is out of action.

In between all of this I do have gross PMT and swear and scream for the four days before my period (mostly silently, but I am ashamed to admit, more and more I do it in front of the kids). When my period arrives it's like a magic button and my mood improves.

So this morning. I lost it. It started last night. I was trying to get the kids ready for bed. DS2 was in the bath and DD was screaming. He was playing me up - running away, saying he hated me, wouldn't get out of the bath. I couldn't leave him in the bath unattended. DD was by now totally hysterical. DH was upstairs in bed (he had hotfooted it up there earlier on in the evening when a visitor arrived whom he didn't want to speak to).

So I got cross. I thought he could just have come downstairs to put the baby's dummy in or at least have sent DS1. Never mind, we had a small row and went to bed in separate beds (me downstairs because the two littles have me up all night).

Back to this morning. I totally lost it. I had been awake most of the night (less than 3 hours of broken sleep). DH in bed again (where he should be I might add). So after me having a shouting fit - he gets dressed and says he is going to work. The bloke is seriously not fit for work and is now doing this to make me feel guilty for my transgression. To make matters worse he starts charging up and down the house lifting things - this could kill him and he knows it.

So tonight he tells me that I basically make him ill. That it's the stress of not knowing where he stands with me that's the reason for him being sick and that I am going to kill him. He says he is going back to work and that I am fucking up our marriage and the children. I say repeatedly that I am sorry for losing it this morning (as I am very sorry) but he is having none of it. I try to tell him that the stress of the past four months has also taken it's toll on me. But he doesn't want to know. After all the fallings out lately, I am not surprised.

So tomorrow he is going to go to work and risk his life to make a point. What a shite wife am I?

dejags Tue 28-Aug-07 20:26:59

that was too long. excuse the rambling and deffo feel free to ignore.

dejags Tue 28-Aug-07 20:29:39

In short. I feel crap because I was a bitch to my very ill husband.

I have never seen him so angry with me and I am afraid that this might be the end of our marriage.


LadyVictoriaOfCake Tue 28-Aug-07 20:30:20

no you are not. shitty hell you have been under major major stress (even i am gasping at all that has gone on there).

you both need to sit down and talk about all the stress, if not together then to a consellor. seriously. thats a heck of a lot to deal with.

and tell your dh to stop being an arse andget back to bed otherwise i will come and kick his butt.

can you get anyone in to help out a bit?

elasticbandstand Tue 28-Aug-07 20:30:24

you are not a shite wife.
you are going through a terrible time ... i can't really give much advice, my pmt is pretty bad and i think about evenign primrose, what about that for you?
hoepfully someone else will give more advice.

littlerach Tue 28-Aug-07 20:31:27

I odn't think you are a shit wife, but I od think you have far too much to contend with.
What you have been through in th last few months is ridiculously huge and there's no way you could just get on with it.

I seem to remember you are abroad. Is there anyone that can come in and help you, or at leats let you get some rest? No sleep is sheer hell.

Do you think you have PND? Would you visit your GP/alternative?

RubySlippers Tue 28-Aug-07 20:32:08

you have all been under terrible stress
start talking reasonably and calmly
ring your DH's office, and tell them to not let him on the premises. If he is signed off then they shouldn't let him work anyway
sleep deprivation makes you feel like hell on earth
can you get someone to look after the kids, so you and DH can get on neutral territory and talk
and you aren't a bitch or shite wife BTW

LadyVictoriaOfCake Tue 28-Aug-07 20:32:59

btw i have really bad PMT, i hate myself during the 4 days before AF its like i am an evil witch. and that co-incideded with the transplant.

so i can understand how irrational it makes you even in these very stressfull conditions.

WideWebWitch Tue 28-Aug-07 20:33:12

You're NOT shite Dejags.
You're KNACKERED, with good reason
You need some help, who can give it?
You need some sleep, dh needs to rest and/or get back into hospital, you're all under tremendous strain and it's not your fault so please stop feeling guilty.

morningpaper Tue 28-Aug-07 20:34:28


You have got the world on your shoulders and you are coping really well

You both have an AWFULLY stressful home life at the moment

Can you get any respite? Can he go and live with relatives for a week or so? Or can you and the children? It is SO HARD when you are ill and there is child-related chaos going on - you just feel guilty that you can't get up and do your bit.

Counselling is GREAT - it sounds like you need to make time for your relationship.

Where you are at sounds really normal for your situation. Don't be so hard on yourself. xxx

WideWebWitch Tue 28-Aug-07 20:34:29

We all agree! And you know how rare that is here

fawkeoff Tue 28-Aug-07 20:34:41

right first of all can i ask if you are taking contraception if so what is it.....only asking as i have been a pshyco cow for the past few months and have had to change my pill 4 times as the doc reckons i have a hormonal inbalance,secondly have you spoke to anyone about your feelings??? it seems like its just one thing after another happening to you and you need a break from it all

dejags Tue 28-Aug-07 20:35:19


Now I feel truly ashamed. When I think of what you and your DH have gone through and you always seem so gracious and supportive. My DH has only been ill for a month and I have had a few major wobblers.

How is he doing anyway?

WideWebWitch Tue 28-Aug-07 20:35:57

and you have

a) a newborn
b) no sleep
c) an ill dh
d) family health worries
e) pmt

bloody HELL, what's NOT to be stressed about?! It would be odd if you weren't finding it hard tbh.

funnypeculiar Tue 28-Aug-07 20:36:51

God, dejags. I think a bit of screaming on your part is pretty understandable. Sleep deprivation is a powerful thing - and it sounds like you've had the life from hell just lately on top of it.

Breaking it down into bits:

- go to the doctor & stamp your feet about your PMT - can they not do anything? Does the pill help? And it does sound like there could be some PND going on ... what do you think?

- can anyone take one of the kids off your hands for a few nights. One set of sleep depravation better than two. I know they've had a rough time too, but a treat visit to granny might be a help for you all

- could it be that dh kind of wants to be out of the house for a bit? Being ill & stuck in (esp if you know you're being no help) is probably quite crap. He may just need to go into work, be fussed over, sit & have some tea, and come home.

I'm sure you've thought of all of the above, btw... smile

newlifenewname Tue 28-Aug-07 20:36:53

You know, it sounds like him not you and I'm not just saying that to make you feel better.

fawkeoff Tue 28-Aug-07 20:37:00

your not a shit wife/mum/slave your only human x

LucyJones Tue 28-Aug-07 20:37:09

It's not your fault.
As everyone else has said you have far too much on your plate.
Do you have family nearby, friends who can take the older kids?
Even the possibility of a creche for a bit to give you some breathing space and time to sleep?

policywonk Tue 28-Aug-07 20:37:13

I think your DH has to take some responsibility for this. Checking out of hospital AMA - why? That's not helping you, is it? Going into work (and risking his health further) simply in order to make you feel bad - sounds pretty childish to me. Can't he see that you have a great deal to contend with already? I know he's unwell, but seriously, I think he needs to take a bit of a look at himself.

Pixiefish Tue 28-Aug-07 20:37:31

dejags- you have an awful lot on your plate. I was a total bitch for the first ear after dd was born and I didn't have any of your other issues to deal with.

Don't be so hard on yourself but do try and get dh to go rest up

LadyVictoriaOfCake Tue 28-Aug-07 20:37:42

hey, this isnt about me, this is about you and getting you sorted. honestly, you have been through hell recently, i am on the other side of it now, so can look back and think 'yup i was a total bitch' lol.

can you get anyone to have the kids overnight or for a few hours one afternoon so you can get your head down for a bit?

Heated Tue 28-Aug-07 20:37:59

I'm so sorry you are having such a tough time and it's not at all surprising you feel as you do. Anyone would feel the same and it says so much about you that you have coped so well up until now.

I think it's time to acknowledge that you can't be superwoman, and for once to put yourself 1st. The first step would be to go and see your gp - book a double appointment -and tell them or show them this. They may well offer you anti-depressants. Take all the help they offer you.

Do you have any relatives you can confide in and also lend a hand?

morningpaper Tue 28-Aug-07 20:38:05

www is right

a) a newborn <- this one is bad enough

DrNortherner Tue 28-Aug-07 20:39:07

Bloody hell, poor you dejags. Ou guys have had some serious crap thrown your way no wonder you feel like this.

You need practical help definatley - is anyone around to help? YOu are exhausted and possible PND, so the smallest of tasks becomes unsumountable and you cry, scream, wail and shout.

You are not superwoman and you should not feel guilty.

WideWebWitch Tue 28-Aug-07 20:39:26

Dejags, everything will look a LOT different if you can get some sleep.

You forget when you're in the thick if it ime - I remember screaming at a friend 'but DH is a PITA!' and her saying 'NO, no, no you're ALL KNACKERED' and with hindsight she really was right.

So I think you and your dh are on edge due to lack of sleep/health/general stress and worry.

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