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I'm being emotionally abused not sure how to deal with this

(298 Posts)
tink870 Sat 04-Jan-20 12:58:04

I've being watching eastenders the girl on there Chantelle is living my life on the tv. I am questioned when I wear makeup or dress up I'm questioned when I use my phone. Basically my whole life is controlled by my partner to some level.
I'm allowed to see family and go on certain nights out. I went on a work night out recently and was hounded all night and when I got up in the Morning.
I get blamed for everything that goes wrong. I am half a person walking around like a ghost. It's been this way a good few years now I watched the programme and it's very much like that dynamic he's in the better job and everyone around me thinks he's a nice guy expect a couple of friends and one family member everyone else thinks he's ace.
I don't hug him anymore or want to sleep with him I love him in my own way but he's ground me down so so much I've got no love left or emotions. When he's nice I don't trust it because I know the nastiness is a couple of days away.
I've got what I would say is clinical depression now like ptsd because I've lost all who I am as a person.
I'm holding down a job and looking after the kids that's about it.
He comes to bed with me he wakes up with me in the mornings I try to get up first so I have ten minutes alone time but if he catches me on my phone all hell breaks lose so I hide in the toilet.
Financially I will struggle massively without him sometimes it's ok but I never feel normal I always feel on edge and upset but I don't cry anymore now.
We don't go anywhere really and I'm an adventurer by heart he never wants to do anything like go on holidays I always book them but he makes them a living hell from start to finish I'm not going on holiday this year because I can't take the stress of him arguing on me.
The kids aren't his Met him when my little one was a baby and they don't see their real father anymore he has no interest.
He doesn't really interact with the kids much he does the basics if I'm at work and he's not in looking after them but he's not a dad or friend to them really he isn't interested he's only interested in me.
He wants my attention at all times he even cries saying I don't hug him or kiss him well he killed that when he suffocates me.
I feel dead inside I want to get out but have nowhere to go my oldest is a teenager I worry about up rooting him the most.
I can't breath I'm suffocated every day of my life.
I'm only able to write this now because he's giving me silent treatment because I was on my phone when he woke up but he's being giving me silent treatment for two days and I've done nothing wrong. I need help I feel like life is not worth living anymore

tink870 Sat 04-Jan-20 13:34:38

If anyone has come out of this how did you go about it and what did you do please.

OneDay10 Sat 04-Jan-20 13:41:27

This is so heartbreaking op. Do you have any family or friends that you can confide in. He sounds like a truly narcissistic person. Are you married or working?

tink870 Sat 04-Jan-20 13:50:08

I am working I feel like killing myself im so depressed I tried to tell my doctor but he never gave me enough time to tell him I had been crying before I went in there last week. I want someone to take me out of this situation but only I can do that I know this.
He helps out with buying food and the bills I will struggle alone I'm scared

12345kbm Sat 04-Jan-20 13:52:48

Has he ever threatened, hurt you or thrown things OP? In what way are you scared?

SproutinducingFarti Sat 04-Jan-20 13:53:00

Are you married? Do you own the house or does he? If you are renting, whose name is on the rental agreement?

SproutinducingFarti Sat 04-Jan-20 13:54:58

Oh, and, you are bound to feel terrified because that is part of the way you have been conditioned to feel by the abuse. Although it feels terrifyingly impossible, there will be a way to get out of this.
How old are your children?

tink870 Sat 04-Jan-20 14:01:24

It's my house believe me I've tried to get him out in the past but he always cry's and says he will change. He has not left in two years now which is the longest time I keep thinking he has stopped as I get a brief time of things being ok sometimes for a whole month but it never stops.
My mom has moved away in fact all my family live far away now they all used to live near me and I could at least visit them now it's just me and him trapped. He doesn't go out hardly he goes to work and if I don't call him on my day off he goes ballistic I work four days so I have to call on my day off so he knows where I am. I couldn't even think of having an affair the thought of another man just makes me feel sick I can't cope with the one I'm dealing with.
The depression is really bad it's been getting worse for months. My outgoings are high with all the bills I've worked out I will have no money left if he leaves I will be going to food banks to keep the roof over my head I think.
I don't know how to get him out he thinks this is all normal and ok and I feel dead inside. He ruined Xmas day completely for me and the kids I was crying in the toilet I was watching the kids open their stuff and he had a face on didn't speak to us didn't interact once didn't even smile. Then because I opened my presents with the kids and not him he kicked off he was sat in the kitchen and ignoring us all and he sat upstairs most of the day and was sending me nasty msgs it was such an awful day no happiness. I'm scared of how he will react and the whole situation with money aswell

tink870 Sat 04-Jan-20 14:03:52

He's hit me before this was a while ago now about a year or so he hasn't hit me since but he's capable of it. He throws stuff at me when he's really mad pillows rubbish etc I just don't know what to do I'm so scared to rock the boat but I'm so depressed it's really bad.

tink870 Sat 04-Jan-20 14:05:05

Just don't get how he's ok sometimes for a few weeks then I feel this tension building and he starts even in ok times I don't relax or anything because it never lasts

SproutinducingFarti Sat 04-Jan-20 14:08:27

You can call the police to help get him out. Then you need support to not engage with him or listen to his promises of change etc.

AhNowTed Sat 04-Jan-20 14:08:32

Jesus Christ this is horrific.

There's posters here who have come out the other end.

You know of course that this is all about control and has nothing whatsoever to do with love.

Your kids lives must be miserable around this man.

First thing you need to contact Women's Aid.

tink870 Sat 04-Jan-20 14:10:42

I'm scared to ring the police on him because they won't believe me he acts so nice and what he does is subtle I think he's not beating me black and blue. I dont want everyone to hate me because he will say I'm lying to everyone and that I'm mental he says I'm mental.

ElizabethMountbatten Sat 04-Jan-20 14:13:20

Call the police. They will remove him. If it's your home and you don't want him there, and if he's got form for violence, the police will back you up. Call them. What he's doing is coercive control at the very minimum. The police will likely advise that you take your children somewhere safe for the day, call your partner to tell him to leave, and they will go and make sure he's done it. It might mean going to a women's refuge for a few days. Believe me, they're safe places, men can't get in and your children will thank you for this step. You will get help to keep your roof over your head or to move if you rent the property and want to go. You have no contact arrangement to make with regards to the kids so you can literally go anywhere. Maybe move to be near your family?

12345kbm Sat 04-Jan-20 14:15:38

OP you need to get away from him. You are currently on the cycle of abuse. Sounds like you're in the tension phase. It will kick off again soon as it's building up to an episode. None of this is good for your children and they are suffering as much as you are. You have to get out for the sake of your mental health and that of your children.

Going to the Drs was a great step. The more people you tell about the abuse the better. Tell your friends and family about it as it will make you stronger and they will support you.

There's no point kicking him out knowing you'll take him back OP.

What do you want to do?

ElizabethMountbatten Sat 04-Jan-20 14:16:12

My sister has removed herself from a similar situation in the last year. She is being painted as the villain by this man. Some people believe him. Those people don't matter. She was like you. So scared to make the move. Frightened of how to survive. But she's fine. She's got a lovely house away from him. She's happier, her child is happier, she's surviving well and enjoying her life again. She used the women's refuge and took all the help and advice she could get. The police are taking behaviour like your partner shows very seriously now.

Topseyt Sat 04-Jan-20 14:17:48

You do need to get him out. He is an abuser and he has been violent before. He will do that again too.

I think you need Women's Aid, so give them a call. You also might need police help to get him out of your house and keep him away.

This is no way for you to live, or for your kids to be growing up.

ohwheniknow Sat 04-Jan-20 14:18:33

I went on the Freedom Programme course. It helped me understand what was going on so I could feel ready to leave and able to protect myself in the meantime. (All those "but why?" questions and confusion sorted out. ..)

I asked for help and advice about practical and safety planning. I used the women's aid resources. I talked to the police.

I planned carefully, sorted out somewhere new to live and then left without warning when he wasn't home.

It feels hopeless now but there are lots of people out there who can and will help you.

Women's Aid 0808 2000 247
Freedom Programme
Police 101 or 999 in an emergency

I also found the Money Advice Service and CAB helpful because I didn't even have a clue where to start with practical things (like finding somewhere to live).

Make sure you clear your internet history. Don't make phone calls when he's in the house unless it's an emergency, then there's no risk of him walking in or overhearing.

It's hard, and takes adjustment to get used to having freedom and safety, but compared to living the rest of your life like this?

tink870 Sat 04-Jan-20 14:21:34

No I don't want to have him back I'm so jealous of single people who don't have to put up with this I would love to be on my own with the kids it's so much calmer when he goes out or is at work and it's just us. He always starts on the weekend aswell I hate weekends because I know he starts on me.
I don't want to seem like I'm blowing this out of proportion like I am right aren't I this isn't normal behaviours in a relationship?
Ideally I would move away with the kids to where my mom lives but I can't just pack up and go there. The whole thing is just so scary. I need help and to speak to someone I'm never alone to do this he's upstairs now but he's always here. Like I said he goes to bed with me he wakes up with me I feel like it's all on purpose so I'm never alone

ohwheniknow Sat 04-Jan-20 14:21:50

If you call the police say it's because of "coercive control".

They know it's subtle, they know abusers put on a charming mask, and they know it's about control not violence. They will see how frightened you are even if you think you're hiding it.

His kind of subtle, below the radar abuse is a criminal offence. The police are it a lot.

OneDay10 Sat 04-Jan-20 14:23:13

If having to use food banks gets him the hell away, then use it. And call the police. Let him cry. He doesnt care about making you or your DC cry.
The house is yours, so you have a starting point. I feel for you, but really think how this is traumatizing your children.

ohwheniknow Sat 04-Jan-20 14:24:55

Does your police force have a website?

You might be able to use their website to make contact and they can then help make you all safe from him.

This was what I had to do to contact them as I couldn't phone.

SproutinducingFarti Sat 04-Jan-20 14:25:32

Don't worry about contacting the police. Just say you are the victim of coercive control like Chantelle in EastEnders. You don't want to be in a relationship with him any more and you want him to leave your home.
You are entitled to break up with him and ask him to leave for any reason you like.

tink870 Sat 04-Jan-20 14:25:37

I would ideally go when he's at work I don't know how I could live here his family live on my doorstep. I would not rest after my night out with all the abuse he was crying saying I will never leave you and you will never leave me will you and crying like a baby it was scary and weird. I went on one night out with work friends. Even when I have days out with the kids alone or with my mom he starts an argument so I can never enjoy my day I went to stay with my mom in October for one night and he started an argument and ruined my whole stay there. Even when I'm not here I'm here there is no escape from it. I want to scream some days

ohwheniknow Sat 04-Jan-20 14:25:53

It is scary. Think of it like leaping through flames to escape a burning building.

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