Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
This is a Premium feature
To use this feature subscribe to Mumsnet Premium - get first access to new features see fewer ads, and support Mumsnet.Start using Mumsnet Premium
Feeling trapped and not sure how to proceed(71 Posts)
I am married and very unhappy. My husband drinks so much, recently he has been buying 12 pack of Carling cans because they were only £8. He must have bought about 6 or 7 packs over the Christmas week. He has always had an issue with drink, often sinking 8 cans on his days off but this is now increasing.
Due to the drink, he spends most of his days off in bed. We have a school aged child, and as he works shifts he is often off in the week when I am working and in a perfect situation, this is ideal as I do not need to find or pay for childcare. My husband thinks it is acceptable to stay in bed all day while our child plays on the tablet or watches tv. I work from home and should not be looking after our child during office hours but I do end up doing this from getting snacks and drinks to helping with dressing him etc. In the summer holidays, I ended up paying for child care at a holiday club as it is not fair for our child to suffer.
The drink is just a scratch on the surface. With drink, comes arguments, silly arguments - recently he tried to tell me that under no circumstances am I to travel to America, ever. America is more dangerous than Russia according to my drunk husband. I want to take our child to Disneyland.
Then there is sex. He thinks he is entitled to two sessions a day. Every day. He needs sex. When we have sex, it is over in a few minutes and this is his argument when I refuse. I often get accused of not loving him in the mornings when I get out of bed to go to the toilet before having sex with him. I am often told to come straight back to bed and to sit on him. No matter if I am ready or not. I am never ready. I get so sore. As I work from home, he will often come into my office, naked and demands sex there and then. If I am on a conference call or busy he walks out and sulks. I sometimes receive text messages while he is in bed (he will text me then ring my mobile so I see the text as my texts are silent and do not always see them come through) demanding I go 'on a break' and have sit on him. I am so done with having sex with him, I could not even tell you the last time we actually had consented loving sex, it is always me giving in to keep the peace.
Then there is our lovely child. Still quite young and if he puts a foot out of place, he gets shouted at quite loudly by my husband. I had to shout at my husband over Christmas to not be so hard on our child. He was coming down the stairs on his bum and husband shouted at him to come down correctly on his feet. Or our child might start singing to a song in the car on the radio, husband will just turn the radio off and tell our child to be quiet.
The above is only a tiny little bit of my life, I really just do not know what to do or where to turn to. I am so happy in our home (rented) and the area I live in that I do not want to give that up, but at the same time I can not live with him any more. I have looked at other houses in the area and their rents are so high now that I am unable to afford them on my own. I can afford the rent on the current property I live in on my own. I also have the added complication on my job, I had a business line installed here for work and if I move, I have to pay to reconnect myself to the office and take unpaid leave until I am connected. Working out of the office is not doable as it is 300 miles away. I feel so trapped and I just do not know what to do.
Thankyou if you have read this far down, didn't realise this would turn into a big message!
Good god you poor woman. That sounds unbearable.
Please contact Women's Aid as soon as possible and they will help you find a way out of this.
Poor you, honestly sounds like a nightmare, can't you kick him out? why should you leave.
And please don't feel like you have to keep having sex with him. You really don't.
God, I had only got to the fourth paragraph and I was praying this wasn't real.
You can't live your life like this. Is the locality of where you live really worth being raped (sorry love but that is what is happening to you) twice a day?
Go to womensaid and confide in someone in real life. I suppose it is worth asking him to leave but I doubt it will work. Look for somewhere you can rent and afford. Then speak to someone in your workplace - HR if you have one. Tell them your husband is abusive and you must get your child and you out of the situation. They may well help you put in a new business line and give you a few days to move. If they won't then you pay for it and use annual leave to move - people use annual leave for far less important reasons. But I think people will help.
Please make getting out of this situation a priority. You are living with an abusive alcoholic and it will destroy you and your child.
This sounds like a very difficult situation for you and one you need to get out of. Please be careful, he sounds very abusive.
Clearly the sex is coerced. What do you think might happen if you put your foot down and said ‘No’ and ignored his reaction? Are you worried he might hurt you physically?
Please do give women’s aid a call when it is safe for you to do so.
Thankyou - just confirms that I am not thinking it is 'normal'. I am trying to get hold of womans aid, I had them online chat this morning but i got cut off after a few minutes and I couldnt get through again. Will try on Monday, I dont think I have the confidence to actually call right now.
@CodyBurns - if I say no to sex, he sulks, goes moody and says we haven't had it for X days (I can sometimes put him off a day if I've just started my period and I blame period pain which I do not suffer with much) or we only had it once yesterday etc. Its the sulking, he wont speak to me or he will just keep asking and asking until I give in. It doesnt stop.
@Jollyme12 - I am going to try and kick him out but I need to make sure I have everything to hand before I do so incase he wont go, I can leave for a few days till he calms down.
He has never hit me. Its all verbal/emotional/sexual.
Oh.....you will love this......he gave me the 'day off' on Monday 30th as it was my dads funeral and he will go without. Same he never thought of that the day I heard of my Dad's passing a few weeks ago.
I do need to work out what to do.
he gave me the 'day off' on Monday 30th as it was my dads funeral and he will go without
That is one of the most vile things I have EVER heard. And I'm so sorry about your Dad.
Yes, you must start making plans to boot him out or leave. We can help, just keep talking to us if it helps you.
Someone one here has a link to a really useful list of paperwork you need to get together in terms of birth certificates/passports/bills etc. Please could someone share it if they are it?
You have to get out of this. Sex every day would be too much for most people even if they had a lovely relationship so l can't stand yo think what it must be like in your situation. Hell. Whatever the alternative is (no money, leave the area, housing problems) it has to be better than what you have now.
Is his name on the tenancy? If not, just change the locks while he’s out and dump his stuff, call the police if he kicks off
Yes his name is on the tenancy @costacoffeeplease everything is joint though I did open my own bank account before Christmas and will be getting my wages paid in to it. The only 'bill' not joint is the car/car finance. We just have the one car that we share.
Omg he sounds like an absolute arsehole and that’s me being polite! You need to get away from him. He’s vile. I would be seeking legal advice in terms of where u stand on staying in the house and kicking him out.
This is awful for you - i’m sorry about your Dad.
He needs to leave - you cant carry! You dont need to have sex with him - why do his needs trump yours?
Thankyou for the advice everyone, I hope I can do this. I really do.
I spoke to women's aid today who have put me in contact with some local services. This is after me waking up to find him wanking and the moment i turned my alarm off he was on top of me. I hardly had my eyes open.
I can not deal with this anymore.
So glad you’re seeking help. I couldn’t cope with that, he sounds like some sort of sex maniac. Quicker you’re rid of him the better. Good luck
Just bumping my thread up again.
We had words around the middle of January, told him how I felt and that the sex is too much. He agreed that he would back off and not initiate sex at all. It lasted 5 days. Though sex is less often the last few weeks it's starting to slip back to at least every day.
His drinking has gotten out of control though, 12 cans of larger and half a bottle of gin the other night which led to an awful mood in the house yesterday. (He also blamed it all on my grief and that I need to hurry up and get back to me again)
I'm just so scared at making any sort of move to leave. Women's aid gave me some local numbers to call but not had the courage so far. When we had words a few weeks ago, he was just saying how much he loves me, can't live without me etc when really he's just suffercating me.
I really don't know which way to turn. Call it a day or try and seek help for him. Mentally today I'm having a really bad day, but as he is working all weekend, I'm hoping the space will help me think things through abit more......if he doesn't call me multiple times during the day to see what I'm doing. The checking up on me drives me and our son insane.
Please leave him asap and call those numbers woman aid gave you he is abusive op you need to be safe with your son
I know you said all the other flats were expensive and it will be a pain getting a new phone line but I bet you would be infinitely happier in some pokey little flat than you are where you are now. If you leave then it is all under your control. Trying to get him out will be a pain and you don't sound like you've got the energy for that battle. Also the house and bed will be full of bad memories. New house, new bed, new life.
This is serious abuse which I'm sure you know. Getting him help won't do any help as he'd only continue to manipulate you and revert back to being abusive because that's just who he is.
The only way to change this is to leave, honestly there's absolutely no other way around it. You are being raped daily - coercive rape is still rape. If I turned down my ex he would get completely naked and masturbate in front of me until I gave in. If I happened to be watching tv (if I was allowed) he would sit in front of it and again masturbate untill I caved because I just wanted him to stop. Eventually if I said no he did it anyway.
So speaking from experience I do know that it will only change once you're apart. A million of us could tell you to leave but I know that wont happen untill you're completely ready and have switched that light on.
Wishing you all the best and keep safe, enjoy your weekend of peace.
Oh my days. This is a hideous hideous life you find yourself in.
Only he will help him when he hits rock bottom. Cliche, but true. Leave, please please leave. This is so horrible and I expect you don't even realise because its come on slowly over time. Only then will he stand a chance of getting help. As long as you are there you are enabling him. And I don't mean that in an awful way, but you are looking after your son, you are giving him sex, you are, I presume, doing his washing, keeping the house straight etc etc... And re the sex I totally understand the emotional abuse leading you to doing that, I'm not knocking you there, I get it. And you were amazing in standing up to him, but the abuse and pattern of behaviour is so so ingrained that whilst you are in a relationship you are struggling to maintain that power and consistently stand up to him, that's why it's creeping back in. He will always have this hold. The only way you get free from it is by getting free from him.
If you are struggling with the thought of managing alone, take time to imagine what life would be like without those sex pressures, without the constant disappointment that you have someone there that you are allegedly sharing your life with but they do fuck all to support you. That is worse than being alone. The constant disappointment.
Do your research, align ducks, get out. Put you first. If he was so much as slightly recognising how he has issues and trying to do something about them HIMSELF without being pushed into it, it might be different. But he isnt. What you can do is help YOU and your son.
Out of interest, when was the last time you remember the relationship being consistently good?
Please, this is no life. Get out. Very best of luck.
@Whereisthelaughter the last time the relationship was good - before i fell pregnant so coming up for 7 years now.
@Iooselipssinkships that is awful - masterbating in front of the tv. He doesnt do that but will sit next to me/other chair doing it. As if it is suppose to turn us on?
I know there isnt a right time to leave but it does look like i am just going to have to do it. I am very nearly ready to break. Was looking again at places to rent, found a few locally - but not too local DS will have to change schools as I will not have a car to get him to his current school. Or do I make a break and move somewhere completely new, maybe further south near my sister. Decisions, what ever i decide it will have to be a weekend he is working so i can hire a car and pack it up with our stuff but mainly my work computers so I have everything with no need to go back.
Need to go and do the food shop, I think a large slice of cake is at the top of the list!
I've just RTWT and I feel so sad for you 😕
I think wherever you end up you will be much happier. Your son will thrive. There's a whole new life out there for you both.
I suggest advice from WA when leaving as this tends to ramp up the abuse if they suspect you're gaining strength and can sense something changing. I made the mistake of telling my ex and I became a victim of attempted murder, it is the most dangerous time in this sort of relationship. I know he hasn't been violent yet but this doesn't mean he won't be. He definitely has the traits.
In the meantime I recommend the book Why Does He Do That? It gets recommended a lot on here and it saved me during my recovery. I felt like I'd taken some power back, I realised it wasn't my fault and that ultimately there was no happy ending staying with him. It's available as a PDF file online.
I also wish I used MN at the time of my relationship because the advice given is golden and ultimately true.
Get yourself a massive cake and enjoy every bloody bite!!
Please login first.