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Today is not a good day I'm falling to bits I'm looking again shouldn't I be over this by now

(18 Posts)
Upsadaisy Mon 27-Aug-07 11:45:53

I'm sat blubbing my two poor boys are in front of a dvd in the other room. I feel low today and I just want ot be over this so I can move on. Had a pretty rough week my friends keep bailing and rearranging my ex had a go at me yesterday my two boys are just fighting all the time. I moved two weeks ago, I have boxes still I just feel lonely today and I'm so cross at my friends I really need them right now but they are no where to be seen no phone calls to see how I'm doing and i can't ring them as I don't want to make them feel bad you know Friend - 'Oh hi...how are you? Me - 'I'm not good, in fact pretty bad' Friend - 'Oh

I looked into his email account again and he's signed up with dating thingymejig....which is good for him but but but I don't know

Why am I crying today shouldn't I be getting a grip now I'm sick of having puffy eyes
I'm being stupid but I have this strong compulsion to sign up to the dating thingymejig and reply to see what bullpoo he comes out with I don't know why I keep doing this to myself I need distractions but i'm just rattling around in this house its rented I had to sell my home.

israel Mon 27-Aug-07 11:51:37

I am so sorry for you....this must be such an awful time.
All I can offer are words....be gentle with yourself...this time will pass.
Try not to contact your ex...concentrate on yourself and your children....get out for a walk...join something new...maybe a womens group....is there something like this in your town??
If you want to talk...I'm a million miles away...but I can listen...and try and offere words of comfort.

charliecat Mon 27-Aug-07 11:54:49

Oh you poor thing
Its best if you dont read him emails.
If your friends really are your friends they wont mind you ringing them. Can you text around, see if anyone fancys meeting you at the park with the kids. Or the pub with the kids after dinner?
Something to get your moving.
Its good to blub, it really is. You just need to pick yourself up after it and paste a smile on your face.

Upsadaisy Mon 27-Aug-07 11:59:09

Thank you. I know I need to get out and I know I need to put ex into past but I don't seem to be manging at the moment. I'm so annoyed to he's seeing the kids a few hours a week though rings them everynight and he's out most nights with his friends this is going to sound childish but its not fair I haven't been able to get out once. He's moving on and I can't seem to through my own actions and commitments. I just feel so lost my two boys have been through enough I don't want to cry in front of them but I can't seem to stop today.

I can't go anywhere today I look like I've gone 10 rounds with mike tyson

charliecat Mon 27-Aug-07 12:03:14

I have sat on Mn for the past 2 days while the kids entertained themselves in a state of misery, cant be arsed, not fair XP is out on the town texting me at 3am, so I know where you coming from.
I saw there was some bands on down the town and am motivating myself to get out and down there.
Is he not having the kids over night(my x doesnt either if its any consolation)?
Would anyone?

Upsadaisy Mon 27-Aug-07 12:06:12

My best friend is away for weekend and then away mid week for hols I don't want to ring her and then the rest i dont know who i'd ring I just think they must be fed up of me going on and acting foolishly. I think they thought that when I moved things would be different either that or I've given them the impression I'm ok I just don't feel I can pick the phone up its stupid I know. I'm embarassed too that I've been reading his emails I don't want to tell anybody.
I've found out his username on this dating site and I've got to fill in stuff before I can have a further nose.....is it normal to be curious am I crossing the line?

israel Mon 27-Aug-07 12:08:35

Sometimes we are our own worst enemies.
When i split up from my partner...i would...accidentaly...on purpose...end up in the same place....and oh boy...did it hurt.
I came to the conclusion...I must have still loved him...but he didnt want me...and that is just so painful...so i had to make my own life...I had to pick myself up by the bootstraps...
some days were awful...and i just sobbed...usually when my little sweet girl was in bed...and i was alone....and the so called friends...were all out...somewhere....they didnt mean to be hurtful...but they couldnt make things better...only i could do that.
Its hard...and you do feel alone...but you will learn to cope...just put your heart and soul into yourself and your boys...try not to think about anyone else.....or what they are up to.......please get out and about...even if you look like you have gone 10 rounds...who cares...I use to look like shit...like a tramp some days...but it was only me and my girl...and the park swans that saw...and when i cme back in with rosy cheeks...i did feel better...and slept better too.
Please talk with me if you want...
I am writing to you from Oz...and its 16 yrs down the line for me...but i know where you are at.

Upsadaisy Mon 27-Aug-07 12:10:05

No cc he doesn't have them over night, he lives back at his parents and he and they say it would be too much for them as they are active boys and they are getting on a bit. Problem is he is in no rush to find a place of his own.............men are asses. I'm worried that I won't meet anyone because I have such a cynical view of men now. Does thst change?

Upsadaisy Mon 27-Aug-07 12:20:05

Thanks Israel. I think I might go out after dinner there is a park near by with big spaces so I won't be facing people constantly and they could run off some of there energy.

I found his profile he is looking for someone who is taller than me I know its stupid but I wonder if thats why he went off me....god I need to move on I just don't want to be left behind. I wish I never had to talk to him or see him again its just too painful but the kids love their dad to pieces

israel Mon 27-Aug-07 12:28:07

Good you will be getting out...upsadaisy....take some bread for the ducks...or a ball to kick around...even if you feel like screaming...go out and have a good old shout.....
Another good thing for you to focus on....would be a plan for a trip...or adventure in the future...a little holiday to save for...or day trip...anything for you and the boys.
And what about yourself...are your boys old enough for school...could you study something??
Its all raw at the moment...and you will have gone through hell....but YOU will survive...believe me...and come out of this a very strong woman.

chocchipcookie Mon 27-Aug-07 12:38:01

Yes, you are crossing the line! Truly I understand why but please stop. Upsadaisy, if you carry on like this you are going to drive yourself mad. I did this too - kept driving past my ex's old place blah blah until someone sat me down and told me I was acting like an obsessive stalker.
You have to switch the focus from him to YOU. Get out of the house, call someone (if they are true friends they won't mind) and maybe join a post-divorce support group. I really think finding people in the same boat will help. Married friends are great but sometimes being around them with their families made me feel worse.
If you stay focused on him you will never move on and it will undermine your confidence terribly. I did move on and I'm now remarried and with a new baby. You can do it but not if you're thinking about your ex's life all the time. Also, appearances are deceptive. He may appear to be 'moving on' but dating (?grabbing the first woman daft enough to have him) is probably just his way of dealing with the feelings around the divorce. Please think about what you are doing with this email account thing and how it could be used against you if he found out. After the divorce I went through some really nasty legal proceedings to do with contact and some of my (years old, he's kept them all) angry emails to my ex were produced in court.

Upsadaisy Mon 27-Aug-07 13:37:37

Thanks both of you. I've had a hot bath with bubbles cried a bit more and just had some paracetemol for this wopping headache.

I'm going to ring my dad and have a chat and then a friend someone who I think won't judge me for the email things.
I have loads of pointless photos of him you know the ones what you take when you first meet I think I'm going to shred most of them I'll keep a few for the boys I think and return others to him ones with him and his family as some of them are no longer here(Family members). I'll do that with a friend hopefully and a few glasses of wine if not I'll be on mumsnet whilst shredding pics still with a few glasses of wine and a take away. Speaking of takeaways I'm going to have one tonight as an indulgence. With ice cream and really yummy biscuits! I'm going to have a blow out

I don't care about my shape at present but as I am signed up to a gym that has activities for kids on certain days I'll prioritise that, that way boys get activity and I can use time to care about my figure, tone up, destress and get the house.

as your both right. My focus should be with me and boys, I feel I can't see the woods from the trees my focus need to be with me and boys. How I will keep it that way I haven't a clue it just seems so hard my thoughts are on a loop just replaying everything even when I'm trying to think about something else

I want to take kids to center parcs just after christmas and then to euro disney sometime next year with the house sold I have some money I could use for the trips. He would nver go away after 13 years I got ex as far as scotland for two nights and that was only last year........the year before that I got him to scotland for one night and the year before it was a trip there and back in one day and he considered scotland because we used to live there. A holiday would be good a good focus i'm going to have a look and perhaps get something booked or at least the ball rolling.

chocchipcookie - ouch for the old emails produced in court. I wish I didn't know his email account password its just so alluring I want to tell him (not that i would) just so he would bloody change the thing and think of something a bit more original.

israel - whats the weather like in Oz today? It's grey here

charliecat Mon 27-Aug-07 14:01:55

You are sounding better already
Its good to have things booked in advance. And FWIW I tryed to hack XPs hotmail account too see what he was up toblush
It is ok to fall apart, it part of it I think.
Keep posting.

chocchipcookie Mon 27-Aug-07 14:19:58

Your plans sound really good. Today is just one day, it is absolutely NOT always going to be like this, it does get better. I think it takes time to process everything, the key is not to do anything in the meantime that might come back to haunt you. I could tell you a lot more...
And please, please don't imagine your ex is skipping the pain. There are no real short cuts for anyone, a lot of people hop into a new relationship only for all the old issues and baggage to cause new problems.
It is much better and healthier in the long run to do what you are doing - feel the pain and work on you.

Upsadaisy Tue 28-Aug-07 17:38:04

Thanks guys for encouraging me to get out and contact my friends.

I did both and friends have rallied round. I rang my Dad and then I rang one friend who must have spoke to a couple others as they were ringing up arranging this and that being brilliant listening. Someone sat with me last night and another came round today. Friday night i'm doing the shredding of photos with them and Thursday I'm hopefully going to pictures. In between that my dad is coming over to put up pictures and bits and pieces. I feel so lucky at this minute I wouldn't have had had the courage to ring them yesterday if it wasn't for you posters I would have left it a day or two when I was alot better. Thankyou!!!!!

I said about the height thing and my friend laughed and laughed, which I needed to hear as I knew it was silly but at the time I couldn't put it into perspective.

I can laugh but I'm sad at the same time, I'm releived to be away from him but I miss him too. I'm on top of things but not I just hope this will over soon and I begin forgeting so that I realise that I haven't thought about the split for a few hours and then hopefully those few hours will become longer and longer

chocchipcookie Tue 28-Aug-07 19:09:27

The hours will become days and then weeks. Really! Finally you wonder what you saw in them...

Hurlyburly Tue 28-Aug-07 19:21:37

Nothing to add to what the other posters have said - but sending you hugs

charliecat Tue 28-Aug-07 21:12:03

Those hours will definetly become longer and longer. Keep posting. As you know the board moves sooooooooooo quickly.
You will have up days and down days

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