I think my relationship is collapsing

[ruby7]

I don't know why I feel compelled to send this out in to the ether - I think it's because I can't really talk to my family and friends anymore as I'm frightened I'm going to drive them away.

But I have been pretty anxious/depressed for a while, and I think my DP is at the end of his tether. I am too, so I don't blame him. But he likes to go out to party, and I am boring and don't really want to anymore. He's really really positive and upbeat all the time, and I just can't be. He's really happy in our new house and I'm not. He is happy go lucky and optimistic and I've lost all my joy and worry all the time. He loves going on holiday and I find them very scary and want to be in my comfort zone. We used to be very very in love, but then I've changed since our DS came along (and that's 2.5 years ago, so surely it should be all settled by now?!!)

He's said he doesn't like talking about my depression as it brings him down and he has to be cheerful for both of us. He says he has no doubt I'll get better, but I don't believe him as it's been going on for so long now. But I feel like it's all I can talk about at the moment, and I feel like I'm defined by my depression and I just don't know what to do.

It must be a nightmare for him, but the pressure is just too much. I want to run far far away.

Don't suppose there's anything anyone can say to help, and i don't think even writing this is helping, but I don't know what else to do...

[ggglimpopo]

Have you seen a doctor or anyone ruby?

[ruby7]

yes, for what it's worth I see the doctor. Am on anti depressants, just upped my dose, am exercising every day, seeing an acupuncturist every week and seeing a counsellor.

[BecauseImWorthIt]

It sounds like your dh is being caring and supportive though, so why do you think the relationship is collapsing?

And - dare I ask - are you really boring? Or are you just being hard on yourself?

It sounds like your medication isn't working, so hopefully an increased dosage will be beneficial - but if you still feel the same in a couple of weeks I'd go back to your GP.

[Anna8888]

Ruby - when my daughter was born I had a real "back to nature" moment and became a very different person to the person I had grown to be as an adult. I couldn't remember the person I had been before - all I wanted to do was stay at home in my comfort zone, I had the hardest time going anywhere or doing anything - and yet I had been a person who had travelled the world on my own, spoke lots of languages, done responsible jobs etc. Yet I wasn't in the slightest bit "depressed" - I was extremely happy and contented. Now my daughter is 2.10 I am changing again, becoming much more interested in the outside world once more, travelling, going out.

Childbirth can change a mother's personality IMO, albeit temporarily. That in itself can cause huge difficulties in relationships and a lot of strain. I am sceptical of some treatments of PND - IME it is quite normal to become a different person after childbirth.

Try to use your counsellor to explore your feelings. Good luck.

[ruby7]

No, I don't think i'm really boring, just compared to him, who still leads his life. It's hard to stay compatible and to find things to talk about. Do you think this is normal? My son is 2.5. Surely I should be used to being a mum by now? My friends have nearly all had their second and I feel like such a failure that I haven't.

[Anna8888]

Ruby - don't pressure yourself, I don't think you necessarily "should be used to being a mum" by now, if that means resuming all the activities and interests you had before. I haven't. My priorities have changed forever. Though I do want to see people and do things that I couldn't contemplate even one year ago.

Try, however, to be interested in your partner's life even if you don't want to lead it with him.

[ruby7]

yes, i do really try to be interested in his life. I just can't shake the feeling that he's had enough of me. he says he loves me and that he doesn't want to split up and was shocked an horrified when i asked him if he wanted to. i just feel like being with me is wasting his life. it just ups all the pressure to get better quick smart

[Anna8888]

Ruby - why do you think he might not be as happy with you as he was previously? In what way do you feel you have you changed and feel less secure about your attractiveness to him?

Try perhaps to address you own insecurities.

I am not the same person that my partner met, but I don't feel less attractive to him now that I am a SAHM not a single working girl. However, I do try hard to do a good job of being a SAHM . It's a very different role, but I would not feel happy and secure if I didn't do it well.

[ruby7]

he said that i was the loveliest happiest brightest person in the world when i was well, but that he doesn't really seethat anymore.
i can't seem to see the positive in anything - just constantly focusing on the negative and worrying about everything. I did have panic attacks before i got pregnant, so he knew the score back then.
but his friends are ringing up asking how i am, so i know it's bothering him if he talks to his friends about it.
i feel under massive pressure to be perky and jolly all the time. i wonder if we've become incompatible.
but then i wonder if i just make myself worry about EVERYTHING UNDER THE SUN

[Anna8888]

Ruby - but what are you worried about exactly? What do you do all day?

[Anniegetyourgun]

Mm, I don't know, is he really being supportive or just trying to ignore the problem and hope it will go away? Sounds to me, from the little you've said, that his determination to get out and about whether or not his partner wants to might be a bit selfish. He has to be cheerful for both of you, he says - well I hope that means cheering YOU up, and having family time with your DS, quite often, instead of just keeping himself happy. It's fine that one partner should go out to parties if the other doesn't want to and is ok with it. However, a supportive husband would also be prepared to spend some evenings in with you when perhaps he would prefer to go out, but can work at it being enjoyable. He might want to talk about what would cheer you up, instead of what he wants to do. He might even try to coax you out by offering to make the arrangements himself (radical!) for a holiday, somewhere you wouldn't find threatening, near home or where you'd been several times before, full board perhaps to take the strain off you. Does he do all this, or just leave you to flounder while he does his perceived duty of keeping a smile on his face and pretending to friends that everything is fine?

By the way, seeing your friends having a second child is probably the world's worst reason for having another yourself. Some people are extremely happy with one child, and some children are extremely happy to have all their parents' attention for themselves! The only good reason for having a child is that you want one, when you are able to love and take care of it. If you've been trying and not conceiving, well, there might be a root cause of the depression. On the other hand, if you would like another child but can't face it just now, you're not a failure, you're being sensible, recognising this is not a good time for it. If my suspicions about your DH are right, sounds like you've effectively got two children already, one of whom needs to start growing up.

[ruby7]

Hi Annie

He has always been a bit partyer, I knew that right from the start. He's calmed down a lot, believe me! And when he goes out it relieves the stress for him, and I know he's then happier when he's at home. God knows I'm as much fun as a bag of poo at the moment, so I don't really blame him!

It must be hideous for him to be with me. I don't have anything to say except negativity, which he says is sometimes relentless.

He says he's supportive and that he wants me to get better and he'll do anything to help me.

But I'm just scared that ultimately I'm never going to get better and that he's going to bugger off.

[madamez]

Do talk to your counsellor about these feelings as he/she may be able to help. BTW, if you don't like your counsellor or find him/her unsympathetic, try to be reassigned to another one (counsellors are only human and some of them suit some people better than others IYKWIM). Try to keep reminding yourself that this stage will pass, that you will feel better, probably a little better every day if you are having treatment.
Try to give your DP a break when you can - it's good that he gets out and sees friends etc (not putting you down bu it is hard work being the partner of someone with a depressive illness), and if you need to rant, MN is good and also the Samaritans, who are there just to listen sympathetically.
Good luck. It will get better.