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Domestic Abuse

(29 Posts)
lemonstartree Sun 26-Aug-07 21:22:51

I sort of know the answer but I need some other perspectives on it so please bear with me.

Yesterday I left my husband.

Yesterday morning he hit our 5 year old son around the head over some trivial issue and threw him out of the room. When I intervened and stood between him and our son, he became extremely verbally abusive, calling me a f*ing bitch and a 'shit mother' and shouting at me to get out. This was infront of all three of our children. I left managing to take the children only because I threatened to phone the police if he did not allow me to go.

Later I spoke to him on the phone. He said he did not believe that he had done anything wrong and that he wanted a divorce because I do not give him enough sex.

This is the second really bad incident. Approx 14 months ago he was so out of control threatening to kill me and terrifying the children, on that occasion I was so frightened I did call the police who were excellent. They threatened to remove him from the property to the 'cells' if there was another such incident within 2 years.This is why he allowed me to leave yesterday.

He is often verbally aggressive and abusive to me and about me to the children, I know this is wrong but he says it is not. I feel that I am losing all sense of what is normal in a marriage.
So that is my first question - what is normal ?
next does anyone have any practical advice? He has been at home looking after the children for the last 16 month. I am terrified that he might get custody - is this likely ?
I have now left the marital home and am at my brothers house - I can stay for a few days but will have to go home soon as the children need to go back to school etc. is there any way I can make him leave the house?

thanks so much if anyone has some good advice

MyTwopenceworth Sun 26-Aug-07 21:27:45

See a solicitor. That is the best advice. There are plenty that will give you a free initial consultation.

rantinghousewife Sun 26-Aug-07 21:29:11

I don't have any advice, consider this a bump until someone more knowledgeable comes along but, this isn't normal, my dh would never hit me or the dcs. So this sounds like abuse. Do you have any womens refuges nearby, I don't think it would be a good idea to go back, he hit your son. What if it gets worse?
Really hope you're ok.

policywonk Sun 26-Aug-07 21:29:58

I don't have expertise in this, but just wanted to say WELL DONE for standing up for yourself and your children. What your husband has been doing is absolutely not normal and not acceptable.

In your shoes, I think I would contact women's aid on 0800 2000 247 for advice, and also the CAB. Ideally, you want to be back in the house and get him out - but not if this will put you at risk of further abuse.

You have done a very brave thing and you should not let this man make you question your own judgement.

EscapeFrom Sun 26-Aug-07 21:35:55

Not normal, not acceptable, and if he has been abusive towards your son he won't get custody IMO

persephonesnape Sun 26-Aug-07 21:55:44

how old are your children lemon?

can you go back to the house with your brother, or more appropriately the police? he may not have hit you, but can you press charges on behalf of your son?

it's not normal to treat someone you are meant to love in this way. absolutely not. if you love someone you do little things for them, laugh at their jokes when they're not funny and tell huge fat lies about their weight. you don't verbally abuse them, epecially in front of your children. have you told your brother everything he's said? will your family help and support you?

if he's been at home for 16 months, have you been working? as your son has suffered a head injury, i would take him to A&E and get an official record of what happened. i don't think it's too late even though this happened yesterday.

glucose Sun 26-Aug-07 22:13:35

no, this is not normal, like some of the MNs who have also replied I am no expert, I think women's aid is a good route to go down.
The police were helpful in the past so inform them of this incident.
Take care of yourself and your children. You have done a very brave thing by leaving.

lemonstartree Sun 26-Aug-07 22:58:49

Thankyou so much

in my heart I know this is wrong but it is so hard to stand up for onesself. I did it for my children ,because my eldest son ( they are 8,5 and 2) was terrified.

I am a professional woman

i earn all the money

i do not care what he takes f rom me financialy but I will emigrate before I allow him custody of my children. I have their passports.

thats calculating isnt it....

Tinker Sun 26-Aug-07 23:06:26

No, not normal. Only advice is see a solicitor. I'm so sorry for you, must be horrible. Are these outbursts out of the blue ie is he ok/nice most of teh time?

turquoisenights Sun 26-Aug-07 23:37:03

he might lost his mind looking after children for the last 16 months but its still not an excuse him hitting yr ds.
i think he has inferiority complex that you earning the money and he is sahd and maybe has less education thats why he is making comments of not enough sex.
my first reaction would be to leave him, contacting women's aid is a good idea, they deal with such cases a lot.
i dont know everything in detail and as you have hesitations you may as well contact to a relate as well first but he must explain why he hit ds which is unacceptable.

dizietsma Mon 27-Aug-07 02:13:26

As a child who grew up with a violently abusive stepfather I would say that you have to leave him now before he does any more harm to you and your children. Please consider what growing up in this environment will do to your children.

My brothers and I are grown up now and we all have mental health problems as a result of living with this violence.

My mother selfishly seemed to think that if she could live with the violence then it didn't matter how we survived it. She's now paying for that selfish choice as we all have a very difficult relationship with her that I feel will never heal.

You can prevent this from happening to your family if you leave now and attempt to rebuild your life and self-esteem- please understand that you deserve better in life than this.

KerryMumbledore Mon 27-Aug-07 03:08:01

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lizziemun Mon 27-Aug-07 07:59:10

KerryMumbledore

He allowed lemonstartree after she threaten to call the police.

So the children are with her.

I'm sorry but hitting a five year old, then shouting at you because you intervened is abuse. I don't care if he has been looking after the children for that 16mths doesn't give him the right to attack a child.

I would go and see a solictor to find out you need to do. I'm sorry but you are more likey to get a divorce on the grounds of divorce then he is for lack of sex.

Does he normally disicpline the children like this when you are working.

It sounds like you need to sort out alternative childcare and he needs to find a job outside the house.

lizziemun Mon 27-Aug-07 08:00:20

Sorry should read

I would go and see a solictor to find out you need to do. I'm sorry but you are more likey to get a divorce on the grounds of abuse then he is for lack of sex.

squimlet Mon 27-Aug-07 08:09:20

((hugs))
I havent any experience with this but I wanted to say well done you for stepping away from it and taking the children. I would take your brother with you when you return to the house. You need the support more than ever.
Talk to your solicitor.
You have done the right thing. Your children are the most important thing along with yourself in this matter and you all need to be safe.

Take care

TheodoresMummy Mon 27-Aug-07 08:33:31

Go to the police.

Because of the incident 14 months ago, i'm thinking that they will hopefully remove him from the house and you and your children can return.

I would also go to A&E as someone else suggested, to get the assult on your son officially recorded.

His behaviour is totally unacceptable.

Womens Aid are fantastic apparently. They can give you all sorts of advice. They may be able to point you in the direction of a particularly good solicitor ?

Well done for standing up for yourself and keeping your children safe !! smile

tyeanddye Mon 27-Aug-07 09:26:36

I am knowledgable,painfully so on this matter,i will post more a bit later,talk to womensaid TODAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

tyeanddye Mon 27-Aug-07 10:16:48

Read Lundy Bancroft..."Why Does he do That?"I know you cant imagine reading right now,but all the answers for what you have been living with are in there,on Amazon its had countless reviews from women in violent relationships,and rightly so...It helped me to leave,for good,in June.Good luck sweetheart,youre very brave,You can apply for a nonmolestation and occupation order to remove him from your house so you can return safely with your kids,but you need to do it asap,you need to log it with the police,who should have a domestic violence liason officer,linked with your local shelter who can advise you....i had all of this support,despite never actually taking a punch?My exe is deeply abusive,and behaved violently,and did assault me,but in a way that isnt classic violence.
Ring a solicitor,ring womensaid,and your health visitor...she will have all the info for you.xx

ChristyC Mon 27-Aug-07 13:39:40

Well done Lemonstartree. Womens Aid really helped me to realise that abuse comes in so many forms and its not always obvious to those that are involved. I'm so glad you made a stand - you need to get back in your home and see a solicitor. Other posters are right, your children will not thank you in the long run for staying with a man whose demons he can't control.

lemonstartree Mon 27-Aug-07 22:50:15

thank you - yes the children are with me - I would never have left without them.

He says he will leave the house by the weekend - though I know he does'nt see why he should.

does anyone know if I can make him leave a joint property( I pay the mortgage)
as a result of his violence?

tyeanddye Tue 28-Aug-07 11:25:55

Yes you can,(are you married?)he can be removed using the injunction i mentioned before,see a solicitor with some urgency lemon,an emergency injunction can be granted on such grounds with almost immediate effect!!!!
All judges etc are up to speed on domestic violence nowadays,its bery hot politicall y atm,he can be removed,and barred from coming near the house.married or not.

tyeanddye Tue 28-Aug-07 11:26:54

Then you can inhabit a joint house til youre youngest child is 18

tyeanddye Tue 28-Aug-07 11:28:19

and if hes violent toward you and the kids,there are centres for contact which is supervised only...if he is not to be trusted not to assault them.He will only be granted supervised access.

madamez Tue 28-Aug-07 11:34:53

LST if you are paying the mortage then the house is yours anyway (unless you have joint tenancy or tenancy in common or an agreed division of interest in the house). Even then, his violence towards the children means he has forfeited any automatic right to live in their home. You can get him kicked out of the hosue and barred from returning because of his behaviour. Good luck and well done for getting away

chopster Tue 28-Aug-07 11:45:48

Get in touch with woman's aid. They might even be able to recomend a solicitor who deals in such cases. IME the police will do sod all. When I left dp they couldn't even get me protected access back into our house to get my belongings. Woman's aid are absolutely brilliant and will be able to advise you on how to proceed.
You can't get a divorce on the grounds of too little sex or abuse. The grounds would be irretrievable breakdown, and if you start the proceedings, you would provide the evidence by way of describing his abusive behaviour.

Well done for getting out, I know it isn;t easy.

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