Christmas STI gift from darling OH

[LemonDr1zzleCake]

For the past few weeks I've had what I thought were friction burns down below, after jogging / Zumba and even sex. Was using sudocreme but it didn't really help. Then I thought maybe it's contact dermatitis from the sudocreme.

Googled a few photos and I'm almost 100% sure I have HSV2 I've never even had a cold sore! Been married and faithful to my husband for almost 25yrs and only one prior partner at school age 16 (both of us virgins for sure) Husband says I'm his only partner.
I know I'm not lying. My husband, well, he has been abusive before and goes through extreme mood swings. Two years ago I found half a pack of viagra in his briefcase and he swears blind he took it with me and I agreed to it (I didn't and I'm damned sure he didn't take it with me because he never lasts that long). He changed his story and says I was asleep when he took it

Long story short, I'm working up the courage to visit the Communicable Disease Center and get tested. Where we live, he will know I've been there because he is my sponsor and receives a text message when I use my bank card or health insurance. Maybe I should visit the gynae instead? And what the fuck do I do when it turns out he's given me an STI?

If I confront him, he will outright lie. He will accuse me because my DH is 'never wrong'

I don't even care if he's fucking other women. I got over that two years ago and have accepted that I'm married to a narcissist (been through all that discovery and pain and living with it. Best thing is I know it's not my fault anymore! Yay!)

Sorry if I sound so cold. I've been through shit with my OH and I'm one of those women who's trapped in an abusive marriage. I deal with it my own way and keep my kids protected as best I can.

Till now it's never been possible to prove he's cheated on me. He's a Man of God and a regular where we worship (if only they knew).

How do I persuade him to take an STI screen?

I'm so fucking angry that he's put me at risk I'm not even thinking of other diseases. Too numb to even process this latest crap

[Savingforarainyday]

He gets a text message when you use health insurance?
What country are you in?
Do they have free clinics?

[Luzina]

Maybe best to go to your gynaecologist first, they will know if it is an STI or not, or will at least be able to test you for one or refer you to the relevant place.

The other things you've talked about: you are clearly aware that he is abusive. It sounds like you feel totally trapped in the marriage. I hope you find a way to get free.

[OhDear2200]

Are you making plans to leave this man?

[OhDear2200]

Sorry that sounded harsh, it just sounds like you’re in a horrible situation. Good luck!!!

[NameChangerAmI]

Lemon get checked ASAP. If he gets a text informing you that you have sought medical attention, what do you think he’ll do, given that he is the cause?

Is it because “he is a man of God” that you feel you cannot leave? Are you worried about his reputation being damaged? I would urge to look into all possibilities of leaving, although I appreciate that that is a whole other thread. Like you say: you will have proof of his infidelity once you are tested and an STI has been confirmed.

[LemonDr1zzleCake]

Thankyou, you don't sound harsh at all. Honestly

It's true I'm trapped. We live in the Middle East (don't want to be specific just in case). I have given my life to him and gave up all career aspirations to help him and raise our kids. I have no money or prospects of earning.

The one time I opened up and tried to tell his family about his suspected cheating and abuse they didn't believe me. They tried to find ways me or the kids triggered his behavior.

I just want to get this health issue sorted and force him to be checked and treated too.

[tinatsarina]

@LemonDr1zzleCake I would speak to gynae first and if he asks just say u thought u had thrush? I hope you find a way to leave him as this is no way for you and your kids to be living. Are there any charities like women's aid where you live?

[Feelinggoodashell]

If you are not able to leave him how can you keep yourself safe? Health wise? If he agrees to be checked and treated (which I doubt he will) then what happens next time he’s unfaithful and passes something on to you? If you have to stay with him do you have to have sex with him?

[LemonDr1zzleCake]

Is there any way I could have caught genital herpes except via OH?

I have never cheated

[LemonDr1zzleCake]

And I've never noticed any symptoms on him. Definitely nothing like the rash I have. Can men be asymptomatic? And still contagious?

Trying to make an appointment right now

[notapizzaeater]

Afaik you can only get it through sex / close contact.

Does DH have cold sores ?

[Jaichangecentfoisdenom]

It will be a good start if you have a Western gynae you can trust, OP. (I am in the sandpit and understand what you are saying about the difficulties of getting things done without being constantly monitored.) Good luck with your appointment. PM me if you need moral support/a friendly coffee talking about nothing, if you think we might be in the same city.

[CrazyMum40]

I know someone who caught herpes and the bloke had used a condom, the blisters must of been on his balls which was slapping against her ass, she caught them all on her bum, and the bit between her bum and genitals, sometimes you can't see a blister rash but the virus is there and he gave you it, like I said it could be on his balls hidden under his pubic hair

[Ullupullu]

Are you sure it isn't thrush op? Get it checked out.

[StoppinBy]

HSV can lay dormant in your system for years and years then pop up at a time when your immune system is already under stress like if you are really unwell or really stressed etc.

I would get checked so you can treat it but not immediately assume that he is/was cheating.

The virus can shed even without symptoms being present but this is usually before an outbreak or after.

[Blondebakingmumma]

Go to your dr and get checked out. They will decide if you need to be tested or not

[LemonDr1zzleCake]

Done! Got over myself and made an appointment at the local communicable disease center, although I did burst into tears on the phone with the lovely receptionist.

Bollocks to secrecy. If he's given me a disease, why should I pretend?

[StoppinBy]

Your GP can diagnose herpes so you can get checked without telling him what you are doing.

[lifeisgoodagain]

Yes men can be asymptomatic. If you are British, can you take a trip back here - if you explain that you are in a dv/abusive marriage situation they should test you for free. There's also lawyers who specialise in situations like yours. You need to consider your future, carefully I admit but just accept this.

[yikesanotherbooboo]

The situation with your DH sounds awful but you need to get a diagnosis and appropriate treatment for yourself.
Even if it is confirmed as herpes it does not necessarily mean that your husband has been cheating on you. Herpes virus stays in the system once caught and although it is most infectious during outbreaks , a little virus is shed in between and can be the cause of long term faithful partners passing on the virus.

[LemonDr1zzleCake]

Sorry Mumsnetters, I don't know how to reply individually or send dms on here. To the kind Jaichangecentfoisdenom in the sandbox - that sounds great!

[Jaichangecentfoisdenom]

Have messaged you via the MN system, LemonDr1zzleCake. You should get a notification on "My MN" shortly, I think.

[RLOU30]

Click the three little dots under @Jaichangecentfoisdenom name to message. I hope you are close by for a coffee and chat

[RLOU30]

Whoops x-post sorry

[Omashu]

From what I’ve heard, you can have genital herpes with no symptoms for a long time! It’s possible you have had it since before you met. I could be wrong though... I’m not sure you’d not show any symptoms for 25 years..