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Narcissist husband(11 Posts)
My husband walked out on me last week all because my 18yo daughter (not his but brought her up from 4yo) stayed at a friend's overnight. He also took my 14yo daughters phone off her which he bought under the pretence that his was broken! Threatened to punch her if she didn't hand it over. Everything kicked off we were arguing kids could hear it was just the worst thing really. Feels like he punishes me for other people's actions he slags my family off to me and really talks down to me like I'm beneath him. I can see he really gets some enjoyment from seeing me broken down and crying. Said he hasn't been happy for years. Hes just carrying on with his life as normal nothings changed for him. I'm left with 4 kids who constantly fight and argue with each other and I'm trying the best I can to go to work and do house work when all I really wanna do is walk out and not come back. Really down at the moment and I cant seem to see a future for me.
So sorry this is happening to you
He's done you and your children a big favour, might not feel like it right now but you will.. you will probably find your home will slowly become calmer and relaxed (which will have a positive effect on the fighting children in time). You cannot give in or give up, your children need you, focus on yourself and them now. Your girls are at an impressionable age, be their inspiration, their role model.. you will be teaching them an important life lesson in how you deal with this. It's ok for them to see you upset, find your inner momma bear and fight to give them the best example. You can do this!
Can you speak to friends or family for support?
Be kind to yourself, you have been abused for years, you will need time to adjust, take time off work, make time for yourself while the kids are at school.. don't forget to eat, sleep as much as you can.. read "leave a cheater, gain a life". This is not your fault. Keep talking.. thinking of you x
my family dont know the full Story but they know that he has gone and not one of them have asked me if I'm okay. Maybe they don't want to see me upset? I not sure really. Family are also terrified of upsetting him or saying the 'wrong' things because they know he will take it out on me or give me the silent treatment for 6 weeks. Thankyou so much for replying to me I'm glad I've finally got it out x
Then they need to know the full story, can you take time off and go see them? Him being upset with you is no longer a worry they have to have! Perhaps they think it's just a tiff, you don't know unless you reach out. If they still refuse to support you after knowing everything then that is quite frankly- their loss..
How about friends you could talk to? If all else fails, we are here for you
I'd also be honest with your daughters. My 15yr old son knows most things about my break up and has been the best to spend time with recently. He's seen me upset, he knows it's just me and his siblings from now on, he understands we are a unit that need to protect and look after each other. Your girls are of an age where they needn't be shielded from the shitty husband he was, involve them in your familys healing process, acknowledge the effect his behaviour has had on all of you and how you will work together to be stronger.
Do not let this arsehole back into your lives.
Keep it together for your kids. Don’t let this bastard break you. He’s nasty and manipulative. You deserve better. Chin up through Christmas hols. Make it a good one. Stick a note on the front door saying “good riddance”. Put notes to yourself all round the house. Fridge door. Bathroom mirror. Saying things like “you’ve got this” “you can do this” “we deserve better” you don’t need this negative arsehole in your life. He went nuts because his not-daughter stayed at a friends house? WTF? Is he jealous? That’s weird. She’s an adult. Make her own choices. It’s controlling, weird and wrong and you know that. Be glad he’s gone. Keep him gone.
Thankyou guys really appreciate it and you are absolutely right... I do not need him in my life it's just getting used to being a single mum at nearly 40yo. I will try to give the children the best Christmas I can... they deserve it xx
Love the idea about the notes around also x positive thoughts
What situation are you with the house? Is it mortgaged or rented? In his name, or both?
Has he done this before? Is he likely to come back? Im asking to see if you can change the locks?
Use this gift of him leaving to push you into ridding him from your lives. Go make an appointment with a solicitor, 1st ones are usually free.
Can you run the house without him financially?
There are a billion practical things that need doing once you get Christmas over with. Updating universal credits/tax credits, going through bills, making sure your finances are separate (get your wage paid into your own bank account if they aren't already), council tax etc.. seems like a mountain to climb but with every practical thing you fix, the more power you feel.
I'm a couple of years older than you, 5 weeks into being a single mum of 3, my world has been turned upside down but I'm nearing the end of the practical stuff, then I can concentrate on healing me. You will have good days and awful days, the awful days just go with them and remember tomorrow is another day!
House is rented In my name only, I can manage the house financially without him. He doesn't have a key. Everything paid into my own account which is one thing less I'll have to do. Was meant to be getting a mortgage he gave me the deposit but now hes took that back from me knowing full well that I cant get a mortgage without it . Yes he has left before but came back as the situation wasnt as bad as this time, dont think he will want to come back now as he said hes been unhappy for years. Know the feeling of having your world turned upside down x.
I can't believe he threatened to punch your 14 y o.
Thank God he did you a favour and left.
You can do a lot better than him and you don't want him as a role model for your children.
Each time you start wavering, watch a video by Inner integration, Narc Survivor, Matthew Hussey, Alex Cormont or Derrick Jaxn. Susan Winters and Surviving narcissism , Sarah Speakd, Richard Grannon are really good too.
Don't let a narcissist ruin your life.
Have a wonderful Christmas and be more living towards your Self.