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Help me end my relationship

(141 Posts)
shemakesmewaitonabedofnails Tue 17-Dec-19 20:37:24

DP and I have been seeing each other for ~18 months. I'm recently divorced, and have a DS who is 4.

DP and I live miles apart (~4 hour car journey). He comes to see me once a fortnight or so (DS lives with me so easier for DP to make the journey).

I need to end it. He is talking about moving in, having a family together (he loves DS and is great with him), wants to help. Says and does all the right things, but I just can't do it.

I work ~45hrs a week + 2 hrs daily commute (I work 4 days a week). I am a single mum and having a DP is just impacting the rest of my life so much I just can't handle it. I stay up every night until midnight and get up at 6am every day to work/do life admin so I can see him at the weekends. I'm at breaking point. So I need to end it. He is very persuasive and emotional (he cried in the middle of a park when I said I didn't want to have sex with him the night before, he woke me up once when I slept in the spare room with DS because DS was crying and I couldn't settle him, saying "don't you want me here, shall I just go home") - I need to find some words to say so he'll get the message and not railroad me. What do I say please? And face to face? If so, when? We are spending between Christmas and new year together but I was going to wait til after the New Year.

Help please!!!!

shemakesmewaitonabedofnails Tue 17-Dec-19 22:05:13

Anyone?!? Please!!

MLMsuperfan Tue 17-Dec-19 22:16:25

Say clearly that you are ending the relationship. Give a reason if asked but don't get into a debate. Be firm that you've made your decision. It will be an unpleasant conversation but then it will be over. Try to anticipate what he will say or ask in protest, and listen but try to say little in reply. Make it clear the decision has been made.

artio0 Tue 17-Dec-19 22:22:39

I think you just need to tell him exactly what you wrote there. You can't fit it all in and it's not working for you. From the sounds of it he will feel horrible and cry which will make you feel horrible too so try to emotionally prepare yourself for that. Be understanding and kind but stay firm about the breakup otherwise it'll drag on for ever. I'm sure you know that it's unfair to him to string him along if you've already made up your mind. Maybe you could go meet him at his place if at all possible so he doesn't have to drive home in a very bad emotional state? I wish you lots of strength.

Heartburn888 Wed 18-Dec-19 06:15:36

Wait til he’s gone home and send him a message Finishing it and if he starts getting too much block him.

He sounds like he’s showing red flags already from what you’ve said.

TheBlueStocking Wed 18-Dec-19 06:19:20

It's going to be rough. I suppose the best thing is just to be kind, but blunt. And then say you won't discuss the matter further. Make sure you've nothing at each other's houses first. And then I'd possibly block him for at least a few months while he processes it.

He doesn't need you and he will be able to move on, even if it will take him time to realise that.

Musti Wed 18-Dec-19 06:22:55

The fact he woke you when you had settled your DS to tell you that he was going because you didn't want him and that he cried when you once didn't want to have sex with him are big red flags. End it, tell him that you don't want to be with him and that's it. I would end it now so you can relax and enjoy christmas

GiveHerHellFromUs Wed 18-Dec-19 06:37:49

Don't wait.
He cried because you didn't want to have sex with him? What a twat.

Guaranteed if you tell over Christmas you don't want to have sex he'll say he could have spent it with family so you owe him. Message him today and tell him you want no further contact, then have a lovely stress free Christmas with your son

MaryPopppins Wed 18-Dec-19 06:43:48

I agree with ending it before Christmas. You don't need that looming over you.

Sounds like you're 100% doing the right thing for you and your son. X

anon2000000000 Wed 18-Dec-19 06:55:15

Don't wait.
He cried because you didn't want to have sex with him? What a twat.


Zofloraqueen27 Wed 18-Dec-19 06:59:51

Leaving it until the new year to tell him is just prolonging the agony for you. Will will have a miserable time as you don’t want to be with him and trying to make it a happy festive time will surely be too much for you.

Also your DP might well feel even more hurt when you tell him and he realises you knew you wanted to split up.

Be fair to him and tell him before Christmas, don’t “string him along”. It will give him time to make other arrangements, and I know the relief you will feel will make it a happier time with your son.

Please do not be coerced into continuing this relationship through his controlling ways. Crying and being passive aggressive is no way to behave towards someone you are in a relationship with.

To give in to this man just to keep the peace and keep him happy is a recipe for disaster in the future. He will soon realise he can control you by his actions and will use these tactics again to guilt you into always doing what he wants. Rip the plaster off now - it will be more difficult for you after the holiday.

Make a clean break sooner rather than later. Your life will become much easier without having to organise your time to accommodate him. Enjoy a stress free Christmas with your son.

shemakesmewaitonabedofnails Wed 18-Dec-19 07:01:18

Thank u all for your replies. Firm and fair. I like the idea of not saying much too.

Yes - he's very emotional and high drama and lots of this would go away if we moved in, but that's too big a risk for me. I need to focus on me and my son.

The killer is i have a good relationship with my son's dad and he resents it. He's not proud of me for it.

Istical Wed 18-Dec-19 07:02:41

Agree with pp, you should do it now, he will know there is something wrong over Christmas. If he's a needy and insecure anyway he's going to get a whole lot worse. I would do it over the phone rather than face to face because of the distance involved. I wouldn't want him to travel hours to see me, then have the dilemma of him travelling back upset, or wanting to hang around trying to sort things out. It will be horrible, but you will so feel a million times better once it's done.

knewyouwerewaiting Wed 18-Dec-19 07:22:52

Yes I would call him and tell him as I don’t think it’s fair for him to drive four hours and then out of the blue you end it and he has to drive back. Also he will probably persuade you that he can stay etc and you will be back where you started.

Plan what to say and stick to it. Tell him you have decided and you are not going to change your mind. It sounds like he will not go quietly so plan for him turning up etc.

Bananalanacake Wed 18-Dec-19 07:53:26

I think it's a good idea to make it clear from the very beginning that there will be no talk of moving in until the youngest dc is 18. if a man doesn t respect that he's a twat and can fuck off. but yours is manipulative anyway for crying.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation Wed 18-Dec-19 08:08:10

Cried because you didn't want sex?! How on earth did you even want to touch the entitled, manipulative twatbadger after that?

Don't wait til after Xmas, it will look like you were just waiting for your gift. If you tell him now, he'll have a chance to return anything he's bought you and to make alternative plans for the days he was going to be with you.

Rip the plaster off, get it done. "I'm sorry, this just isn't working for me. No, I've made my decision. I have to go now, best of luck." Do it on the phone and immediately block him on everything so you don't have to listen to his whiny crap.

MrsMoastyToasty Wed 18-Dec-19 08:14:20

End it now before you end up with your own cocklodger.

MorrisZapp Wed 18-Dec-19 08:16:00

Don't give practical reasons because he can argue against all of them. Tell him its because you no longer want to be with him, and try not to be drawn in to discussing why. Be very clear that you mean it, even if he cries. Do it before crimbo and do it on the phone.

ravenmum Wed 18-Dec-19 08:21:06

He really does sound like bad news, bedofnails. The only reason to be waiting until after Christmas would be if you felt torn about the decision yourself. Otherwise you'd be sleeping with someone for several weeks in the knowledge that it's all fake and you're planning to dump him (or refusing to sleep with him and mopping up his sickening tears). You don't feel uncertain, do you?

Dontunderestimateme Wed 18-Dec-19 08:21:09

I agree with those saying do it asap, and get it over with. Also make sure you don't do it at yours. Personally I would do it by phone, so you can just hang up if necessary.

There is no point getting into a debate over it. If not then do it somewhere well away from home, so you can walk away. He sounds like the kind of person who won't accept it, and will try to talk you round. You don't want to end up in a situation where he won't leave your house, and you end up giving in to him to keep the peace.

flipperdoda Wed 18-Dec-19 08:33:18

Everyone else is right I'm afraid - you've just got to do it. In a different situation but similar sounding relationship I ended up with a sobbing man on me promising to change, try, etc - and like you i was done so I just had to say "I don't want to try, and a relationship is a two way thing. I'm sorry you're upset but I've made my decision." and walked out. During? Horrendous. After? The best feeling of relief ever.

You'll be fine. I'd also suggest doing it on the phone, like PP have said. There's no reason for one of you to have to do a four hour trip after that conversation!

Frenchw1fe Wed 18-Dec-19 08:39:43

Why do you want your son's dad to be proud of you?
I think you need time to be alone and find out who you are before getting into another relationship.
And son's dad is just that. He has no say over your life as long as your dc is properly cared for physically and emotionally.

flipperdoda Wed 18-Dec-19 08:41:48

French I'm pretty sure OP meant her DP resents her good co-parenting relationship with son's dad, seeing it as a negative rather than an endorsement of her good character

willowmelangell Wed 18-Dec-19 08:41:49

Don't do it at your place! What if he just wants to keep trying to change your mind for hours. Or gets emotional and upset and has to drive home in a state, maybe blurry eyed with tears?
The phone is your friend on this occasion.
Good luck.

CornishPorsche Wed 18-Dec-19 08:43:47

Do you need to wait until the New Year? Could you not do it now?

I'd be inclined, given the distances, to do this by phone. I agree with @willowmelangell - he'll try to manipulate you still further.

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