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My boyfriend is a conman

(93 Posts)
redredwhineee Wed 11-Dec-19 07:10:03

Just that, really. We live together and have done for about six months - I have loaned him a large amount of money. Everything seemed totally above-board with the exception of a couple of small red flags which I ignored because I loved him deeply, but it all came out last week as a woman he was in a relationship with contacted me. He has done this twice before, leaving both women in financial (and emotional) ruin. I'd say 60% of the things he's told me about his past are total lies.
I suspect he is having an affair and suspect in addition to the borrowing he has stolen from me. One saving grace is that he is still paying rent - I can't afford it on my own but took the tenancy out in my name only because of another lie he told.
He doesn't know that I know yet and it's excruciating to play happy around him at home, knowing he's telling lies upon lies.
I live also with my 3 yo DC and I am desperate to get us both out of this situation but can't exit the tenancy agreement for another 6 months. There's no way I can pay the rent solo, I might have been able to just about swing it had he not borrowed all my savings but this situation has put me in a great deal of debt.
I feel completely trapped and don't know what to do.

sarahjconnor Wed 11-Dec-19 07:13:09

Does he have any money in the bank? Coming in? Can you claw some back with an emergency of your own? I would go to the police but that won’t get your money back.

redredwhineee Wed 11-Dec-19 07:16:44

He is working and just got a higher paying job so has been paying me back in drips and drabs which is something, though so far only about 10% of what is owed. I am trying to hold on for as long as possible to get as much back so my DC and I can set up a new life but I can't bear to look at him knowing what I do

yesterdaystotalsteps123 Wed 11-Dec-19 07:21:44

You are not the only woman (single mum to boot) to be taken advantage of and financially and emotionally abused. Contact women's aid and maybe citizens advice. My STBXH took money from me regularly for"emergencies" despite the fact he had a f/t job (I suspect a gambling problem) but be careful because if he stays there you need to be careful he can't abuse you further. I'm sorry for you and the same as me, protect yourself and your child better moving forward.

sarahjconnor Wed 11-Dec-19 07:27:55

Can you create an emergency so you need the money now? Say your car needs work or whatever?

redredwhineee Wed 11-Dec-19 07:31:19

@sarahjconnor he has no money, only his wages

redredwhineee Wed 11-Dec-19 07:31:44

@yesterdaystotalsteps123 thank you, I'll contact those people

afterme Wed 11-Dec-19 07:33:11

You need to find ways of getting as much back from him as possible. Yes to a big emergency but smaller amounts too if necessary. How much are we talking?

yesterdaystotalsteps123 Wed 11-Dec-19 07:33:50

Btw research gambling addiction. It's very much misunderstood. There was a post up yesterday about a wife questioning where her husband's money was going and some posters scoffed at the idea of gambling. If he has a problem he will think nothing of clearing out your entire house and selling the contents to fund his habit. Please tread carefully. And get expert advice. My STBXH took hundreds and hundreds from me and doesn't give a shit. It's a devastating addiction (for you)

AloneLonelyLoner Wed 11-Dec-19 07:39:38

I'm so sorry you're in this situation. I was financially abused by a gambler for years. I'm only know realising the extent of it and my debt has me in pieces and yet he accepts no responsibility and in a way I agree because I was dumb enough to go down this road.

You are lucky insofar as at least you have found this out now. Would he borrow off someone else to get your money to you if you had an 'emergency'? I know it's hard to play happy families but you need to try until you've at least looked into housing benefit. You may be able to get some of your rent paid by HB and it may be enough. You can do this now while he is still there and doesn't know you know.

How much was it he borrowed from you?

Bananalanacake Wed 11-Dec-19 07:40:33

did you have a written agreement when you loaned him it. that would help

DeathStare Wed 11-Dec-19 07:53:06

i have to admit I think I would pay this one quite cunningly. Wait until his next pay day and then have an emergency which would mean he has to lend you his entire wages but that you can pay it back within days/hours (though of course you aren't really going to). Could you say there has been an error with your pay? Or that your bank account has been frozen temporarily?

i would also use the meantime to get some written record of what he pays you and agreement that he is going to pay it back (even if that is just casual text messages or emails between you). Keep your proof safe somewhere where he can't destroy it.

Speak to your landlord. Explain that your financial situation has changed and ask to be released from the tennancy early. It's in their financial interests to let you leave and replace you with someone who can pay so they may be open to that.

Only do something like that if you feel physically safe to though.

Closetbeanmuncher Wed 11-Dec-19 07:53:23

How much was it op and what did he say it was for?

Also what has he stolen?

AJPTaylor Wed 11-Dec-19 07:53:29

How much does he owe you? When can you give notice on the flat?

DianaT1969 Wed 11-Dec-19 07:56:08

Keep an eye on your credit score and vigilant that he isn't taking out loans in your name. Claw back cash all the time by saying 'I'm going to the supermarket for a few things, can I have your debit card, I can't find mine", then do some cash back at the supermarket. If he questions it, give any excuse. You are dealing with a cock lodger, so you need to be equally grabbing when it comes to money. Don't pay for food and spending out. Hang back whenever something needs to be paid.
You'll need to think about how this happened, in order to avoid it again in future. Where were you living before? Did you give up somewhere affordable to move into a joint place? You've been living with him 6 months, how long did you know him before that? What made you give this man your savings? Saying that you 'loved him deeply' isn't a reason. You risked the financial stability of yourself and your child. The real reason will be something like ' I didn't feel I deserved him and wanted to ensure he stays around, or I trusted everything he said on face value because I want to see the good in people'. Only you know the real reason.
Good luck and speak to his previous women to find out how it usually ends, so you what's to come.

AiryFairyMum Wed 11-Dec-19 07:59:48

How much does he owe you. Yes in entertainment small reasons why you need money each week.

Orangeblossom78 Wed 11-Dec-19 08:07:36

Is there a specific organisation who could help with OP with this?

AiryFairyMum Wed 11-Dec-19 08:10:58

*inventing not entertaining

TrueCrimeFan Wed 11-Dec-19 08:14:45

How much money? Can you tie Christmas or an unforeseen bill into the amount owed? As he doesn't have money maybe you could convince him to takeout a loan or credit card which would reimburse you

CalmFizz Wed 11-Dec-19 08:16:23

Right, let’s get some figures.

How much have you given up? How much is remaining?

Did you have any loan agreement/texts or emails that suggest the money is to be paid back?

How much is his monthly income? Would it cover the whole of the outstanding moneys owed?

How much is the rent? How much are you short by? Would you be eligible for any single parent benefits that you aren’t getting now/reduction in council tax etc?

GiveHerHellFromUs Wed 11-Dec-19 08:19:15

Text him. Say you're struggling and you need the £xxxx (exact figure) you owed him back. Ask him when you can expect it by.
That qualifies as a written contract then (presuming you don't already have one).

Then you have a legal standing (according to Judge Rinder).

Wildorchidz Wed 11-Dec-19 08:20:40

Thank your lucky stars you’re not pregnant. The money thing is bad but you’ll get it sorted eventually.

AnotherEmma Wed 11-Dec-19 08:21:55

How much money did you give him?
I'm assuming you have nothing in writing, no document, email or message to say that they were loans?
What did he spend it on?

Unless you have strong evidence to support your case in a small claims court, I think your only way to recoup some of the money is to stay in the relationship for now and try and get as much back as you can. Make sure your contraception and your finances are absolutely watertight. Do not leave bank cards, bank log in details or anything where he can access them. Sign up to the money saving expert Credit Club to keep an eye on your credit history in case he takes anything out in your name.

Let this be a lesson never to give away your savings when you have a child to support.

AnotherEmma Wed 11-Dec-19 08:25:59

"you need to try until you've at least looked into housing benefit. You may be able to get some of your rent paid by HB and it may be enough."

It's not possible to make a new claim for housing benefit, it has been replaced by universal credit.

In order to get means-tested benefits like HB and UC you have to provide bank statements and giving away large sums of money could be considered deprivation of capital.

AnotherEmma Wed 11-Dec-19 08:26:49

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