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The worst first date imaginable. Are men this shit?

(93 Posts)
serenenqueen Thu 05-Dec-19 22:45:59

Just had the worst first date ever.

My ex broke up with me about 6 weeks ago. Everything was quite good but he couldn't cope. We were long distance and he has mental health problems. Thing is, he was nasty during the breakup and accused me of being manipulative because I was upset about the time we spent together (ie not a lot) when I went down to see him.

I really thought this man was the one. I have never been so intellectually in tune with someone before, I really loved him, and I thought he loved me. I was his first partner in 6 years and he said we were magical and he had found someone worth putting everything last to.

When we broke up I just accepted it - I didn't try and fight for him or anything. I didn't get upset or beg or try to rationalise. I just said "I think there's a lot to fight for but I respect your decision"

We've had phone calls in the weeks before I stopped contacting him where we just spoke about stuff like we usually do (this sounds weird but we loved talking about philosophy and stuff like that, so we never ran out of fun things to talk about). It's the thing I miss the most about him, I've never been intellectually attracted to someone.

When we went on our first date it lasted 14 hours (!) And he drove me the 2 hour journey home. We didn't sleep together. He didn't talk about sex or what I looked like. Think the furthest he went was "you're so beautiful". It was just so lovely, and it still gives me goosebumps to think of it.

Back to first date tonight: immediately started pressuring me to stay at his, from the beginning. Then, after maybe 10 minutes walking down the round he kisses me on the mouth (unexpectedly). We ate and he tried to spend the whole time convincing me to go back to his. Then he kept saying "I'm a bad date aren't i" and "in not doing well". When I didn't kiss him he said "I know it was a bad date for you" and kept trying to convince me like "not even a peck?". Kept getting me to evaluate him during the date "do you think you'll see me again?" Like an hour in.

Just on the train home now, feeling shit. I know my ex has/had issues but the difference is outstandingly stark. The weird date guy has text me asking me to meet him again Sunday (not going to). And after 1 month no contact I've caved and text my ex "I really miss you"

Fuck my life. Gonna wake up tomorrow with no reply from the ex and having to let weird date guy down gently.

Dating is so shit.

SlightlyBonkersQFA Thu 05-Dec-19 22:48:04

Don't let the weird date down gently.

Tell him straight he made you feel uncomfortable.

six weeks after splitting up from somebody who meant a lot to you is very soon to be dating. No need to date. It makes you feel bad when you're not 100%. Give it a while.

SlightlyBonkersQFA Thu 05-Dec-19 22:49:16

ps, NC is hard. You fell off the wagon. Don't worry. Just go back to day one again tomorrow.

RhinoskinhaveI Thu 05-Dec-19 22:51:07

I agree that you need to have VERY FIRM BOUNDARIES with weird date guy

CalleighDoodle Thu 05-Dec-19 22:51:34

Bloody hell op. Both are shit in different ways.

Block them both and work on you for a while. Build up your friendship circle. Spend time with female friends. Dont lower your standards.

HeddaGarbled Thu 05-Dec-19 22:52:22

Ah love, breaking up is hard. It may be a bit too soon for you to move on yet.

There will be dates that are somewhere in between the one with your ex and this recent one. Dates where you just go for a drink and have a chat and then go home and think “he’s nice”.

serenenqueen Thu 05-Dec-19 22:53:54

Oh and weird date guy kept saying "I'm really attractive and only knew about three years ago" ... Spoiler: wasn't that attractive

Illeana Thu 05-Dec-19 22:54:09

That sounds like a nightmare date! There are many lovely men who are not that shit. Your ex sounds like he moved very slowly though (six years and still long distance?) Maybe your preference is for someone like him who moves slowly?

Justmuddlingalong Thu 05-Dec-19 22:57:02

I agree. Tonight's date was shit, but that doesn't mean your previous relationship was all shiny and lovely either. You said that your boyfriend was nasty during the break up. He's a shit too, just a "comfortable, I know where I am with you" kind of shit.

JuneSpoon Thu 05-Dec-19 22:57:39

I went on a date once with a guy who kept disappearing and leaving me on my own. The people at the table next to me took pity on me and let me join them. I'm pretty sure my date was in the bathroom doing coke.

Some guys just suck fangry

Gruzinkerbell1 Thu 05-Dec-19 22:57:41

Weird guy needs to be blocked. Immediately. Nothing gentle about it. Get him straight back out of your life.

I’m so sorry that you’re hurting over your ex, break ups are shit flowers

Ohyesiam Thu 05-Dec-19 22:59:28

Oh love that all sounds horribleflowers.
Be berry boundaried with date man, he sounds a nightmare. And give yourself a bit more time, 6 weeks is really soon to be dating after heartbreak.
How’s your friendship circle?

SlightlyBonkersQFA Thu 05-Dec-19 23:03:14

I agree with Ohyesiam, it can be hard to make friends when you're feeling a bit flat anyway. I was going NC about four years ago and joined a book club and a class to learn how to use sewing machine. Sounds cliche but these things REALLY helped me. I was also googling stuff about resilience and boundaries.

Ayemama Thu 05-Dec-19 23:03:44

Urgh first dates are hard. It doesn't sound like you're ready to be dating again.
Is it possible you are over romantisising your ex, nc is so hard and can give you a bad case of rose tinted goggles.
As for weird date guy text, tell him that he repeatedly made you uncomfortable and you will not be seeing him again but you wish of luck with his weird insecure, thirsty tactics for the future and then block.
Don't put it off until tomorrow, you don't want that hanging over you.

Sarcelle Thu 05-Dec-19 23:07:05

What @Ayemama said. But also, take some time off of dating.

RoryGillmoresEvilTwin Thu 05-Dec-19 23:08:29

I would not be letting weird date guy down gently.
Tell him straight that the way he acted throughout the date was off putting and made you uncomfortable and you have no intention of seeing him again.

As for messaging the ex, ah, it happens. Six weeks is nothing and your heart is broken. Be nice to yourself and continue moving on tomorrow.

OctoberLovers Thu 05-Dec-19 23:11:11

Give dating a break

Spend time on you.

neverornow Thu 05-Dec-19 23:13:49

I agree with the above poster; ditch the weird date guy right now and block him. One less thing for you to worry about

As for your really hasn't been very long. No other guy is going to compare to him at the moment, especially given the intellectual connection you had. Sorry it didn't work out.

Forget about dates for a while and do something nice for yourself. Treat yourself or look into starting a new hobbie, even if it's just something like gym or exercises classes.
I remember going to the cinema alone for the first time ever after a rough break up (9 year relationship) and felt really empowered afterwards (I had been an absolute mess following the break up so a solo cinema trip was a big deal!) Simple things like that can really give u a boost at times like this

RhinoskinhaveI Thu 05-Dec-19 23:18:29

Is it a good idea to give weird date guy feedback?

serenenqueen Thu 05-Dec-19 23:25:22

Ugh he was so creepy 😩 he was saying things like "I've got you all read" and "here's my evaluation of you" and "I'm a very sexual person"

What the fuck!

Grobagsforever Thu 05-Dec-19 23:29:47

Oh @serenenqueen I feel for you. I've done internet dating twice. First date after late DH died, (15 months after) I went home and howled at the horror of dating.

Second date man was brilliant and we had a two year relationship. Broke up and in my haste to 'be ok' I had a date within two weeks. It was so unbelievably awful compared to my ex, cried all the way home.

Ten more first dates later, some bad, some ok, some good but not good enough I found current boyfriend, our first date lasted 12 hours and we're still together a year later. He's not my husband or my ex, he's a whole new relationship in his own right.

Things will get better, I promise

Zaphodsotherhead Thu 05-Dec-19 23:31:09

Most of your OP is about your ex, not the 'bad date' which leads me to think you aren't over him yet and you need more time, more space and to think about YOU for a while before you dip your toe back in the dating waters.

Weird date was just a sex maniac, looking at dating as being a quick way to get a shag without having to pay for one. Deffo not relationship material or even any use as a 'getting back on the horse' relationship. Give yourself a bit more time.

TheoriginalLEM Thu 05-Dec-19 23:32:26

Ewe he does sound grim chalk it experience

Sssneks Thu 05-Dec-19 23:33:15

Urgh, he sounds awful. Dating can be the worst, it really opens your eyes to the absolute cesspool of shit that's out there.

Block, ghost, move on.

Do not, for Christ's sake, give him "feedback". You're not his life coach, you don't owe him an explanation and you'll just get dragged into more of the same shit.

But I promise, there are absolutely good men out there.

PyongyangKipperbang Thu 05-Dec-19 23:43:02

It's a good job he fancies himself so much, cos no fucker else would!

I agree with PP. Give dating a wide berth for a while and spend some time alone. Once you get your head on straight you wont even give dickheads like this the time of day, never mind a date.

I spent almost a year alone after ex H and I split up and I didnt even want to date. I would say it has probably been the most emotionally healthy period of my life, it has also helped me be more confident now I am dating. I have much firmer boundaries, I dont do the running around like I did with my ex, I expect respect and will walk if I dont get it. I also say no far more often than I used to. I would move heaven and earth if ex H wanted to see me when we were dating because I was worried he would go off me if I didnt. Now I realise that actually its ok to say "No", and dont give it another thought.

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