Husband highly sensitive to criticism means I have no say

[JulieJones22]

It’s driving me crazy. I’m very open and honest and have been brought up to say what’s on my mind.

He on the other hand has been brought up with a domineering mother who he is to this day still trying to gain approval and love for. He says he never feels good enough for her.

He clearly has the same thing going on with me. He was in tears today after an argument about his snoring. I said he should sleep somewhere else because I can’t sleep (with earplugs). After much shouting and talks of divorce he broke down crying saying how did I think that made him feel telling him he had no place in our bed. He felt like I was saying he didn’t belong. . But he’d been saying that I should sleep somewhere else if I couldn’t sleep for his snoring. At no point did he say sorry for my poor nights sleep over the last few nights, or show any empathy.

He says I’m constantly criticising him. I am not, I will say to him if something is bothering me. Eg he thinks it’s ok to use his electric razor and put it back in bathroom cabinet without rinsing! Stubble is all over the drawer. It’s disgusting. When I brought it up initially he just said he’d always done that and made out I was being ridiculous. When I’ve brought it up since he’s highly defensive and says I’m criticising him again - he feels he’s always in trouble.

I’ve said to him, I’m not your Mum, you aren’t in trouble. I’m just asking you logically to consider that it’s a bit gross.

He said how do I think it feels to be constantly criticised? I said how does he thinks it feels to have no voice and feel he has no respect for me because anything I have a problem with is seen as criticism?

I have suggested counselling but he absolutely refuses.

[GiveHerHellFromUs]

I'd tell him he needs to grow up and take responsibility. If he feels he's being criticised it's because he knows he's doing something wrong. Crying isn't going to fix the issue.

If he addresses what he perceives as criticisms, he won't be so sensitive because there'll be nothing for you to complain about.

[Nextphonewontbesamsung]

My dh is like this. It's a real passion killer isn't it?

[CalleighDoodle]

So, he throws a tantrum if you criticise his shitty selfish behaviour? Sounds controlling, not sensitive.

What is he doing about his snoring?
Not rinsing the razor is lazy.

[Clangus00]

He’s making you feel bad.
I would consider carefully if this is really what you want from life.

[JulieJones22]

@Nextphonewontbesamsung oh really?? It is. It’s so frustrating. I end up having to keep it in and then I’m full of resentment that I’m being disrespected by him not listening to me.

@GiveHerHellFromUs I did tell him to grow up in the heat of the moment. Before he was crying he had been shouting that “this relationship isn’t going to last” - his default line when there’s an argument. I said to him to go and fucking divorce me then. He thinks I’m scared of him leaving. Anyway that’s just a front because he’s terribly hurt inside. I don’t think telling him to grow up would actually work. If I was upset and someone said that to me, I’d just be angry.

[JulieJones22]

Oh and everyone I’m not leaving him so don’t suggest that. He’s not controlling, he CANNOT take criticism.

[Pannalash]

But he is controlling you.

[Snog]

Counselling would be worth considering maybe?

[frazzledasarock]

Also think it’s controlling.

He cries when you ask him to clean up his stubble hair left in the sink?

Maybe shave your legs and leave the resulting mess in the bath right before he wants to take a bath and burst into tears if he asks you to clean it.

He’s controlling and a slob, and who bursts into tears for being asked to clean up after themselves?

[GiveHerHellFromUs]

@JulieJones22 ok say the other bits without the growing up comment - you're right that bits probably a bit inflammatory

[ColaFreezePop]

Suggest counselling to him both single to deal with his mother issues, and only then couples. More people then he would realise have toxic mothers.

Also does he work? How does he told with his boss or customers/clients giving him negative feedback? As this is the same as criticism and not being able to cope with you telling him that he isn't being considerate by leaving stubble everywhere means he wouldn't be able to cope with negative feedback from them.

[myduckiscooked]

Definitely counselling, separately and for both of you. As you have said this stems from his mothers behaviours but he is an adult now and he needs to take responsibility for his own behaviours (something his mother never did) in order not to repeat the behaviours going forward. You on the other hand need to be able to call a halt to his abuse behaviours directed towards you if he does not address this. It is deeply unpleasant for you.

[slipperywhensparticus]

Was he always like this? I would struggle to marry someone like this

[Interestedwoman]

'He’s not controlling, he CANNOT take criticism.'

That's the same difference, though. He's attempting to control what you say about your needs and wants. He's even saying the relationship is at risk if you mention anything he doesn't like. That's very manipulative.

[MsPavlichenko]

There are often reasons/explanations for abuse on the face of it. If you are modifying your behavior/actions because of his reactions (or anticipation of them) then it is controlling behaviour. Whether he is aware of it or not.

[KristinaM]

He IS controlling you !!! He’s stopping you having a voice in your relationship. You just have to put up and shut up because you are not allowed to speak about anything that troubles you.

If you communicate anything that he doesn’t like, he shuts you down with his drama.

This will end up poisoning your relationship , you will become angry and resentful because everything has to be on his terms. Eventually you will hate him because of his selfishness, I promise you.

If you can’t communicate, your relationship has no future.

[welshladywhois40]

Putting it on the flip side I don't cope well when my partner tells me the things I don't do well. I take it terribly personally and feel like he has been thinking these bad things about me - so just giving you some perspective.

I woke up to two criticisms on Sunday and it really hit my confidence

So you should keep telling him things that he does that drive you crazy but maybe the sandwich method of feedback:

It's great that you want to shave each day but you need to rinse your shaver and that aftershave smells amazing.

Not for everyone but might help

Not for everyone

[JulieJones22]

He thinks I am controlling by “criticising” him. He does usually change his behaviour but it takes a massive argument for him to do so. He’ll never then say to me “oh yes I see your point”. Just changes his behaviour.

He thinks that people that love each other just put up with each other’s behaviour. He says he never says anything to me bothers him (he doesn’t) as he doesn’t think it’s fair to expect me to change. I said to him to please let me know if anything I do bothers him as it’s normal and I would not want something I did to bother him.

[Meckity1]

Consciously or not, he's training you to never question him, never criticise, never request anything from him because he will have a hissy fit at 'being attacked'.

I think you need to disconnect from him, and you need to accept that you will not be able to ask him to do stuff like rinse his shaver, and you'll have to pick up the slack there.

Re the sleeping - obviously your sleep doesn't matter to him. I suspect he will complain if you try and sleep somewhere else as 'he will feel rejected' so you may have to look at going to bed at different times or finding ways to catch up on sleep at other times. Do you have children?

[AnyFucker]

I could not live with a baby like that

No offence to babies

[GiveHerHellFromUs]

@Meckity1 erm no OP won't have to pick up the slack. are you serious?

"Oh he doesn't want to behave like an adult so you should wipe his arse." Just no.

She's already made it clear she's no pushover.

[KristinaM]

How long have you been together ?

Please dont think of having kids with him until this is resolved one way or another. You will be vulnerable and be will be threatening divorce left right and centre every time you step out of line. You will be walking on egg shells.

[GiveHerHellFromUs]

@AnyFucker no offence to babies

[ferrier]

Get a box/tray for the razor that fits in the drawer. That way his stubble stays in the box.

Then get on with addressing the other issues. When you criticise him do you shout at him? Some people just can't handle being shouted at.

[newdeer]

I promise you this is controlling behaviour. My dad is like this. Furious, agonising weeping and hysterical screaming if anyone ever disagrees with him. Followed by up to months of sulking and silent treatment. My mother stayed for reasons I can't fathom. She nearly left several times but bottled it each time. He bullied us for decades. I finally came to my senses aged 50 and have had limited contact with him ever since, which feels good.