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Need help....or am I going mad!

(15 Posts)
Danroncody Tue 03-Dec-19 02:08:11

I'm new here......so a big thank you to anyone who helps with advice as it would be lovely to have others outside views. My partner of 7 years went to sweden a couple of months ago for 4 days in a business trip with others. I hardly heard from him which is not like him,normally hes always checking I'm ok. He came home and something didn't seem right and he was constantly on his phone. I bared it for days and finally I hate to admit it logged in to his facebook to see it was another woman he met there,admittedly from what I saw there was nothing sexual in it,but I explained that I wasnt fully happy about the situation and asked him to respect that,he apologised and said he was wrong and no problem. Few days later I found out he was messaging her on watsapp again,he goes to running clubs and so does she also. Now again admittedly I did have a look at his phone to find a message she had sent him which he had screen shotted and deleted all other messages of her admitting she has a soft spot for him and would have shown him more affection in public! I hit the deck he denied it all at first and couldn't understand what my problem was. Anyway,time has gone on and he still is having regular contact with her,hes lied about meeting up with her and lied about messaging her.....still deleting stuff! And I finally spoke to her husband who shes been married too for just a year who has told me there relationship ended 4 weeks ago because of the same problem. I kicked my partner out,she picked him straight up and booked him in to a hotel,I know she didn't stay as her husband told me she went back to theirs that night. He had running the next day,she took him there,waited and bought him back and went up in to the hotel room with him claiming they were only having a cup of tea! Her husband was outside and caught up with her,for her to basically run back to hers,she said they also only had a cup of tea. Stupidly I took him back because we have a 4 year old little boy together. Since then I discovered a message from her yesterday stating how she wants a loving relationship,having good sex etc and sadly for her that's not going to happen between them and how shes backing off and it doesn't change how she feels about him! I went bat s##t crazy!!!! I messaged it to her husband who said he doesn't blame me for wanting to kill her,to recieve abuse from her so I gave her a barrage back! This woman will not lay off,shes at every running event he goes too,he allows her to carry on with her behaviour and actually sticks up for her........theres so much more,I'm at my wits end and really would appreciate advice if I have been wrong in my behaviour and if shes an absolute cow! I've told him she knows that continuing to message him will pee me off and he allows it!

30to50FeralHogs Tue 03-Dec-19 02:24:00

Sorry that your DP is a cheat and a liar. Cup of tea my arse.

Please find your self respect and kick him out. Even if you really want to stay with him (for some bizarre reason), your best bet is to act like you don’t.

Send him packing, give him the freedom he thinks he wants. You’re not sending him into her arms, he’s most likely already been there and will do again, regardless of where he’s living.

Let him miss you and the life you have together, get busy, go out for the night while he has your son to stay. Basically make him see that you are not going to accept being treated like that and that you don’t need him. He’ll hate it.

Hopefully throughout that you will come to realise too, that you’re better off without someone like him. But I suspect that having taken him back once, and believed his stories, you will do again. At least give him a fright by going through the motions of leaving him. It might be enough to make him realise what’s he’s doing. Or he might continue to mess around with other women, so at least have a line in the sand - a boundary you won’t let him cross - or you will spend the rest of your life miserable, checking up on him, mistrusting and paranoid. You deserve better.

Danroncody Tue 03-Dec-19 02:32:50

Thank you! Honestly I feel like a grade A prat! The fact shes still carrying on the way she is and hes allowing it is what infuriates me. Neither of them can see they have done wrong,he told me he has told her to back off......but with the lies I'm ok doing anything hard to believe,he told me the other day to get over it which didn't go down well. Just to add hes been in prison and shes a senior probation officer,hes not on licence any more but I've made it very clear she has been very unprofessional. Her husband has bought her out of his house and basically kicked her out and she just wont stop knowing that I know shes still messaging him! I feel incredibly stupid.......my gut told me from day one something wasnt right.

Pinkbonbon Tue 03-Dec-19 02:33:43

How much more shit are you going to take, really?

Even if he wasn't screwing her, he gas no problem having an ongoing emotional affair. And doesn't give a shit about your feelings.

If she lived nearby I bet my ass every time you two argued, he would swan off round to hers for a 'cuppa' (yeah, right).

Bet he has spun her some shit about you being a shit wife too.

Kick him out and be thankful you aren't married to the mindfucking jerk. Cut him loose. Cut yourself free.

Danroncody Tue 03-Dec-19 02:40:55

Funny enough he has slated me to her......her husband told me everything! He has met up with her for a 'coffee' behind my back and lied about it,as her husband who also does running see them together. Everytime we argued she picked him up,and booked him in to a hotel. I've told her shes an absolute home wrecking cow! And hes a dick for allowing it,in all the time he was in prison my loyalty never slipped once,I couldn't and wouldn't talk to another guy behind his back it makes my skin crawl. I did say to him earlier,he could have at least up graded,she looks past 50 and is an absolute state! Thank you though its giving me a boost of strength!!!!!

Pinkbonbon Tue 03-Dec-19 02:43:20

If it wasn't her it would have been some other tart. Save your anger for him...And use it to expel him and all his shit from your home! xD

Danroncody Tue 03-Dec-19 02:49:38

Thank you 😊 and this is what I have been told by family. Its caused huge problems and I dont trust him and he knows it. He said to me tonight,hes going to block her etc and that hes heard nothing from her. After she messaged me first and I gave her a barrage of abuse,she said it was harassment,i reminded her that she messaged me first and had hacked her ex husbands facebook account which is against the law! She told me i needed help,so i reminded her that if shes happy to work with sex offenders and lover her job then shes deluded and needs therapy! Apparently I'm crazy,nothing has happened between them,I reminded her off her message of admitting to wanting to have sex with him!!!

Pinkbonbon Tue 03-Dec-19 02:53:34

Stop messaging her. Block her number. You are being a bit crazy. But that's to be expected.

She really doesn't owe you anything. He did and he fucked up. And continues to.

Have you heard of narcissistic triangulation. Because it sounds like it: your partner is playing two women off against each other so they see each other as the bad guy and he gets off scot free. Infact, probably thrives off the two women fighting over him.

Forget about her. Focus on the real bad guy, him.

Yarboosucks Tue 03-Dec-19 03:03:15

To get this straight, your husband is an ex-prisoner and he went on a business trip to Sweden and happened to meet a senior probation officer who just happens to live quite close to you?

GiveHerHellFromUs Tue 03-Dec-19 03:08:05

A lot of your a anger seems to be aimed at her but she's not forcing him to respond. He's encouraging everything and loving every second.

He's a cheat and he's promised to stop contacting her before and hasn't, so why would he stop this time?

fallfallfall Tue 03-Dec-19 03:13:46

you don't need to be a rocket scientist to realize he's not really into you. your convenient and a door mat.
there will always be other women for him, doubt he's able to be monogamous.
sorry you need to kick him to the curb and move on.

Danroncody Tue 03-Dec-19 03:23:56

I'm not messaging her no more I retaliated to her,I assure you now hes had some home truths also! He has got narcissistic traits I've told him this before. Yep hes an ex prisoner and she is a senior probation officer,there was a group who went as a business trip,he didn't know her from adam so its come out of the blue,and she does live local. My anger is at both,hence why I said shes pursuing it and hes allowing it which makes it worse! I'm angry at the fact of the cheek of it,giving me abuse when I'm the one who's been betrayed by him and her,and neither think they have done anything wrong. Thank you everyone,honestly its giving me proper strength,I knew to a degree i wasnt going insane,hes made me out to be a nutter and I'm over reacting about it all.

Pinkbonbon Tue 03-Dec-19 03:44:23

Telling him he has 'narcissistic traits' is like telling a lion it's a predator. I mean, 'duh and so?' Y'know. He doesn't care.

Now the fog is lifting, time for you to decide what to do about it.

Don't discuss it with him further, he'll only continue to gaslight you. End it, by text ideally. You don't owe him squat.

richteasandcheese Tue 03-Dec-19 07:08:39

You know all that anger you've got towards her? Point it towards the man who deserves it

RantyAnty Tue 03-Dec-19 07:34:09

Get some legal advice and Kick him out for good.

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