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Honestly....what would you do?

(24 Posts)
Sharpandshineyteeth Tue 03-Dec-19 00:00:46

This is a bit of an obscure one but please give it a think over.

I have a bit of a rubbish relationship with DP of 5 years. We don’t handle conflict well, I feel he has let me down lots, he feels I am manipulative(I’m not).

We have 1 DC together (4yrs) and I have 4 older DC who don’t get along that great with him anymore because of said conflict.

He hasn’t lived with me since January when he last walked out but due to recent events we have been spending time together, mostly when older DC are with their Dad. They don’t hate him, it’s just strained.

Last few years I have had a shit time with my health, including primary breast cancer two years ago when I feel he let me down the most. In August I was diagnosed with Secondary incurable breast cancer. Average time for my type of breast cancer is 9-13months.

Like I said after this diagnosis we started seeing each other more and were in the main back together. Thing is, I don’t feel like he cares about me a whole lot, he would argue he does and is struggling to cope but, well actions speak louder than words.

At this point I’m never going to want anyone else and although I am well at the moment, soon I won’t be.

Would you just ignore the crap and keep him around for what you needed or cut your loses and go the last year or so alone, with him and this “relationship” taking up less headspace. I must add we do have nice times and he can be relied on some of the time.

Interestedwoman Tue 03-Dec-19 00:06:46

So sorry to hear you're poorly. xxxx

I had to giggle at this bit:-

'he can be relied on some of the time.'

' grin

Fidgety31 Tue 03-Dec-19 00:08:37

It may be that he is struggling to get his head around your diagnosis too ? Some men are rubbish at saying or doing the right things under pressure .
If it were me - I think I would keep him around. I wouldn’t want to be alone .
But only you know what you would prefer ?
It sounds like a very difficult time and decisions to be made .

Sharpandshineyteeth Tue 03-Dec-19 00:10:59

😂 it does sound a bit shit doesn’t it.

Is sometimes better than never? I suppose that’s the crux of it

Aloe6 Tue 03-Dec-19 00:12:31

Sorry to hear about your diagnosis. I’m afraid I would cut my losses and keep him out the picture. Put your emotional energy into your children and those who don’t mess you around.

Thestrangestthing Tue 03-Dec-19 00:12:32

YOU do what makes YOU happiest with the time you have left. What is best for you. Will he make your time harder or easier?

Chocmallows Tue 03-Dec-19 00:15:42

Sorry for your news, I'd attach flowers but they don't seem enough.

Write a completely honest list of pros and cons as though you were on the outside assessing the situtuation, but you may have to divide your time up. Half with DC, half with him and youngest DC, because he is there for youngest DC?

steppemum Tue 03-Dec-19 00:19:33

bloody hell OP, that's crap. (your diagnosis I mean)

I think, for me, it would be all about the kids. Your youngest is going to be brought up by him, so if I thought anything I could do with him in the next year would make him parent that child better, or help him to tell your child about his mum, then I'd stay with him.

But if being with him will get in the way between you and th eolder kids, then I wouldn't want him around.

The last thing in the mix for me would be about your older kids being able to maintain contact with your youngest, their half sibling, and if being with him would help that or not.

So sorry you are goign through this. flowers

Betterversionofme Tue 03-Dec-19 00:20:20

I would be in very close contact with him as a father of my child. To strengthen their relationship if possible (will your child live with him?). Not as my partner. Only as a father of my child, living elsewhere. You need space to enjoy company of all your children without unnecessary stress.

Sharpandshineyteeth Tue 03-Dec-19 00:21:45

The older DC spend quite a bit of time with their dad, I usually send little DC to her dad then as well and I hate that time alone if we aren’t getting on.

Part of me thinks, letting him
Be around more means lowering my standards and not expecting much of him.

Apileofballyhoo Tue 03-Dec-19 00:23:13

Do what you feel is best for you, OP. If he wrecks your head I'd let it go. Fill your time with non head wreckers. If you have a nice time with him on a casual basis go with that.

I'm very very sorry to hear you're so unwell. You have a lot to come to terms with. I can't imagine.

Apileofballyhoo Tue 03-Dec-19 00:25:33

Is it possible to not expect any support from him but still enjoy his company? If his lack of support is hurtful I'd cut my losses.

Sharpandshineyteeth Tue 03-Dec-19 00:25:41

Good point @steppemum.

She will live with her dad so I would like to “teach” him as much as I can. He has his mum but she is a different type of parent to me.

I have spoken to my own wider family a lot about making sure the older ones continue to have a relationship with little one. Older ones dad is also onboard with that (so he says)

Also I have to think that when I get very ill, if there is no other adult to look after me (him) then I would have to send the children away more as I wouldn’t want them doing any hardcore caring for me.

Sharpandshineyteeth Tue 03-Dec-19 00:27:22

@Apileofballyhoo that is what I am
Struggling with exactly. Sometimes I can, sometimes I get too angry with it all.

I see what other partners do for each other, ones who are not in this situation and get bitter. I think of all the things I would do if it was the other way around.

Savingshoes Tue 03-Dec-19 00:42:24

Have you spoken to the Macmillan team about your concerns?
They may be able to offer further advice/support for you/your family

Savingshoes Tue 03-Dec-19 00:46:14

Sharpandshineyteeth Tue 03-Dec-19 00:51:52

Fucking Macmillan 😂

I have been waiting since my diagnosis for the one psychologist in my area to come back off the sick.

I even had the crisis team involved who admitted that I needed specialist help that they couldn’t provide.

Apileofballyhoo Tue 03-Dec-19 00:58:06

Do you think other people in your life would step up if he's not in the way?

I don't think it's good to spend your time being angry that he's useless. It's better to accept he's useless and see what the alternatives are for when you need more care.

beenwhereyouare Tue 03-Dec-19 02:32:42

I'm so very sorry about your illness. I cannot begin to imagine what you must be going through, and then to be worried about your relationship must make you even more anxious. I see your dilemma but can't offer advice, really. On the one hand, I wouldn't want the additional stress, and on the other, I wouldn't want to be alone.

You probably have this information and more, but just in case, here are a couple of links. One is to an Instagram account for a positive online community called Secondary Sisters. It was started by 2 friends who have secondary breast cancer. The news article is about the group and mentions a new drug approved by the NHS.

I agree that counseling would be a great idea, not just for you but also for your family. Individual sessions might help you sort your feelings and make a decision about your relationship.

I don't know if you're religious, but I said a prayer for all of you. I hope you don't mind.

Good luck and God bless. 💐🙏💙

PicsInRed Tue 03-Dec-19 07:51:46

His timing is interesting. Do you have assets?

Have you seen a solicitor to tie everything up for your kids?

Do you have other family on which you can rely? This guy isn't going to be the real, practical support and advocate you need.

I'm so, so sorry sharpandshiny, what a terrible situation. flowers flowers flowers

Sharpandshineyteeth Tue 03-Dec-19 16:32:12

I don’t have any assets no. I will have a death in service payment from work and that’s it (it will go to my kids)

He came round last night at 1:30am which is the most caring thing he’s done for a while (I couldn’t sleep)

I’m glad to see other people would be conflicted also and it’s not just me being a mug.

BrotherlyLove Tue 03-Dec-19 16:43:49

Firstly, sorry this is happening, no choice to you.
In answer to your question, your post about being angry stuck out for me.
I just don't think angry and bitter is how you should be spending what time you have, this is not the time to settle or put up with stuff.
It's about you now and maximising happiness on your terms, not becoming a seething ball of resentment.

BrotherlyLove Tue 03-Dec-19 16:45:17

That should have read much love to you.
Bloody tablet hmm sorry x

Apileofballyhoo Wed 04-Dec-19 18:52:30

Wondering how you are, OP. flowers

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