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Somewhere only we know...

(34 Posts)
Deadtome Mon 02-Dec-19 21:23:42

Is it wrong to be really hurt when ex brings new GF to my favourite restaurant, one he wouldn’t know about if it wasn’t for me?

Hotcuppatea Mon 02-Dec-19 21:26:47

It's definitely not wrong to feel hurt. And he's not wrong to take her there.

Breaking up is tough. You sound like you might still be holding a candle for him.

Deadtome Mon 02-Dec-19 21:43:44

It was an abusive relationship which I’m lucky to be out of, so no to the last bit.
I disagree as I do think he was wrong to bring her there. I go there with friends, and we are known there as a couple. I know the staff and it will now be awkward for me when I next go back. He had literally hundreds of places to choose from but he just didn’t give a s@#t as usual.

carlywurly Mon 02-Dec-19 21:46:44

Someone I know on Facebook has just taken his newish gf away to the same hotel he always took his wife to.

There are literally dozens of hotels near us. I just thought how little imagination he must have.

Startingoveragain1 Mon 02-Dec-19 21:54:06

Its alright to feel shit about it. On other news, he is so sad he doesnt even have his own thinkin, and is bringin other women to ur favourite places. Thats how much he values them (based om someomes elses preferences) dont sweat it love. He sounds like one sad bastard.

Deadtome Mon 02-Dec-19 21:54:33

And how little respect he has for his wife / what they had together. Pathetic...

Gardai Mon 02-Dec-19 22:43:14

I found out my now ex took me to the same places he took his wife and also took his mistress. I have no doubt he will be taking his new partner to places I’ve showed him and will take credit. He was simply unimaginative, a creature of habit and he liked showing off ‘his women’.
He was a twat and most people knew it, so don’t worry, you go and it will mean less and less over time.

Deadtome Mon 02-Dec-19 22:58:09

Thanks Gardai. Seems to be a lot of these zero-imagination, zero-respect twats out there.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation Mon 02-Dec-19 23:52:56

I don't usually ascribe to the "men do this, women do that" philosophy but I do think with regard to this issue that women are more likely to feel emotional resonance regarding places and activities that were shared, whereas men are more likely to just look at it as "Hey that restaurant is nice, I enjoy the food, it's not too pricey, I'll take my new GF there."

My mum once dated a guy who was a widower. His wife had sadly passed away after a long battle with cancer. Within TWO WEEKS he was on OLD. (Unsurprisingly he did not make the timescales clear...) I think my mum had about 6 dates with him, then she realised that all the places/activities he was taking her were things that he'd done with his late wife.

OP you mentioned your ex was abusive, do you think he did this deliberately to try to metaphorically piss all over his territory?

Gardai Tue 03-Dec-19 08:20:47

I think abusers tend to follow the same script. Pissing over ‘special’ places is quite normal. Or taking the woman to the same clothes shop, buying the same jewellery and holidays in the same places ?!
They were never that special to them anyway.

Deadtome Tue 03-Dec-19 11:26:07

Yes I think it was deliberate. I went to that restaurant for years before introducing him to it.
I also think that it’s not that some people (men or women) attach more sentiment to places / things done together - it’s just that there are people out there who just simply don’t care that going to a much loved place with a new partner will hurt someone else.
Psychopathic abusers who have no empathy for anyone, for example. It’s not that it wouldn’t have occurred to my ex that it would hurt me - he just wouldn’t care, and even worse I think part of him would be glad. He certainly enjoyed rubbing it in my face that he had met someone else, the poor cow.

RantyAnty Tue 03-Dec-19 11:36:33

They're not capable of original thought and see women as interchangeable.

eenymeenyminyme Tue 03-Dec-19 11:38:51

My ExH moved in with the OW after I kicked him out and went on to slot her into the space I'd left - his social life hardly changed, he just had her with him instead of me. It did hurt a bit but I chose to rise above it let them get on with it.

He even took her and our DD on holiday to the same places we used to go!

No imagination, some people...

FizzyGreenWater Tue 03-Dec-19 13:01:15

He certainly enjoyed rubbing it in my face that he had met someone else, the poor cow.

But... then he failed, didn't he? Because you weren't thinking, omg, he has someone new, I am rejected, I am so hurt'

... you were thinking 'the poor cow.'

Says it all!

Mymycherrypie Tue 03-Dec-19 13:04:27

I used to feel sad about things like this and now I look at it two ways.

1) he’s clearly so boring he can’t find nice things to do himself. She’d have more fun dating you.

2) you’ve left such an impression on him with your fine taste that he has taken it in as part of his own persona. He’ll carry a part of your taste and class with him. You’ll be ok because you can always make new choices on where to go and find new fun things to do, he only knows what other people tell him.

SouthernComforts Tue 03-Dec-19 13:04:50

If he's done it because he knows you will react then yes.

But.. I live in a town with only a few restaurants, I've eaten in most of them with all my dates/boyfriends over the years. I've even been abroad to the same place with 2 different guys. They are just places, you are attaching an emotion to a place, but not everyone does.

category12 Tue 03-Dec-19 13:09:02

Op, you don't need to feel awkward about going to that restaurant. People break up all the time, the staff there won't think anything of it.

It is still as much your place to go as you want it to be, and if you liked it before you went there with him, then don't let him spoil it for you.

I do agree with pp's that men seem to do this a lot. The women they're with seem interchangeable. A widower I know vaguely is planning on having his wedding reception at the same venue he had his wife's wake. confused But there you go. Don't let it bother you.

yips Tue 03-Dec-19 13:13:51

If he enjoys the restaurant, why wouldn't he go there with his new girlfriend? Although it's not nice for you to see him, he doesn't owe you anything if you're not together.

Lifecraft Tue 03-Dec-19 13:21:57

If he enjoys the restaurant, why wouldn't he go there with his new girlfriend? Although it's not nice for you to see him, he doesn't owe you anything if you're not together.

Absolutely spot on.

Deadtome Tue 03-Dec-19 19:10:58

He owes me some respect.

And as I said he has literally hundreds of restaurants to choose from...I’m sure he could find one to “enjoy”.

Fairenuff Tue 03-Dec-19 19:24:13

I know a man who had his wedding reception with his second wife at the same place as he had it with his first wife. You've got to just know half the guests were remembering the first wedding whilst they were there at the second.

I wonder if his second wife even knew. Probably not as I doubt she would have agreed to hold it at the same venue.

BillywilliamV Tue 03-Dec-19 19:25:53

We had our wedding reception in the venue DH had originally booked for first fiancée, Men do tend to lack imagination in these things

category12 Tue 03-Dec-19 21:07:48

Why are you angry about lack of "respect" after the relationship, when he had none for you during it? He's hardly going to develop it or change personality.

How did you even know he went there, anyway? Maybe you need to be creating more distance with him or whoever/whatever the source of information was.

You owe yourself more than to let this affect you. I realise it stings, but he only has the power here if you let him. You can use your favourite restaurant just like you ever did before him and all his crap, or you can let him spoil it for you.

MostTacticalNameChange Tue 03-Dec-19 21:14:37

My ex did this within days of me leaving...taking dates to the same places, exact same hotels, restaurants etc. It really stung but I think it was his way of reassuring himself he didn't need me, just 'a woman'. Pretend nothing has changed because, look- I still do the same things with a woman. Also a way to write over any memories he had of me. Or maybe he just liked tried and tested places!!

But as yours was abusive I'd imagine there was a huge element of claiming "your" territory.

Longfacenow Tue 03-Dec-19 21:17:33

I completely get what feel and felt the same way, but I do now think that if I wasn't respected enough and held in mind during the marriage, it sure wasn't going to start afterwards!

We can't claim anywhere. Just don't stop going to the places that you like!

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