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Still texting the Other Woman

(26 Posts)
MumofThree78 Mon 02-Dec-19 18:34:03

Below is a link to my last post for a background story, but short story, found he has been having an emotional affair via text with his cousins girlfriend who lives in UK we moved to Oz 4yrs ago. He said he wanted it to work, we can go see a counsellor, then the next day when I'm out he messaged her saying he didn't want to stop contact and I found out there's has been photos and videos exchanged so more then talking(logged into his Facebook so saw as they messaged) came home and confronted him.

Need to release http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3746490-need-to-releasee_

This is going to be long !

So anyway we had been bumbling through the week since the Monday, been sitting outside together every evening talking, playing cards, it was a nice start. We had a really nice weekend together the first weekend after with the kids, held hands, felt like we were bonding, he left his phone around, thought maybe we can get through this, answered all my questions, said how he has been feeling so dead inside(been suffering with depression as very unhappy here) and it was nice to have someone be interested and made him feel good, he had been shocked I was so upset cause he didn’t think I cared anymore.

Last week, things still seemed good, lots of open conversation, I was still snooping as can't be fully trusting after a week and a half. Logged onto our Phone account on Wednesday last week and saw that there had also been phone calls which he hadn't mentioned they spoke on the phone before, was shocked as 1 call was 1.5hrs but I hadn't asked so guess he thought it best not to volunteer it or assumed I thought they had talked.

I went through old bills and the phone calls had only started a month ago but they were every 3 days or so, I could also see he had spoken to her the Friday after I had found out, he had said he had contacted her once to say it had to be over so I assumed that was the call.

So that evening more open conversation asked if he thinks there is anything else I needed to know, asked if they talked on phone he said a few times, asked when it started becoming calls, he told me, I asked if he would me show me the bills so I can see how often they talked, could see his hands shaking but he showed me and said he hadn't realised it was that often, then said he had spoken to her just once since I found out and I will see on next bill (didn't realise I can see current calls so know this already)

He said now I know everything, he didn't tell me everything as it's hard to be honest. But said there is nothing else to find out. I was still feeling uneasy next day as still early days, was up early and his phone was downstairs so went snooping and found in his email a what's app chat conversation from the Friday after I had found out. He had changed her number to an old friends name and in the message, he said he was glad they had been able to start messaging again(must have had 2days without ! oh no). That he missed her, had realised in last few days how much, i want you in my life, he wants to text her every second, he realised how he has almost "LOST HER" and it how he pictured the 2 of them just lying down cuddling and he just won't be able to message as much but that he "LOVES HER" she said you dont need to message if this is to difficult and he wrote - I will never stop. He saying to her we haven't lost us, we will be good.

I was literally shaking, thank god kids weren't home ! I ran upstairs with his phone, called him every name under the sun, how he was lying to me, telling me wants it to work and telling her he wants her and loves her ! Was meant to be telling me he was scared of losing me not her !!!

After much yelling and screaming it's over, me crying, he ask if i wanted to talk. We called in sick, he said it was a fantasy, she lives on otherside of world, it was just a few days after i found out and he still needed her as didnt know what was happening with us and he was so down before and me finding out made it worse he had been thinking he should just disappear. He said has been texting less they had been saying it will have to stop and we had been getting on well and he said I can’t go on anymore with the lying and getting caught, your here, we are real and I want us to work out. I know I have to not contact her ever again.

She doesn’t know I know that she is his cousins girlfriend, so Sunday he text her with me there, told her I know everything, have seen all the messages and he wants to make it work with me so can’t be in contact, told her I know who she is but won’t say anything. She replied to say To be honest I didn’t think I would hear from you again, sorry, don’t know how it got so out of control, never wanted to hurt anyone, she appreciates me not saying anything, good luck to you both, all the best.

I thought the reply seemed weird, didn’t think she would hear from him again (he has not said anything to me to say “I said this to her” that makes me think she wouldn’t expect to hear from him again) plus who says all the best after an affair !

The weekend was just spent being a family and talking but he has been more distant, no holding hands, etc.

So that has been the last 2 weeks of my life, he doesn’t work Mondays and all day while I was working all I was thinking is he texting her to say, sorry I had to say it’s over, will find a new way to make contact. I was googling reviews for spy apps to install so I can see if he is messaging, googling how to check deleted what’s app messages, I’m literally driving myself crazy.

Met my sister after work and she said I have to stop snooping, if he is going to do it there is nothing I can do, he will eventually get caught again if he does and then will have to face the consequences.

Came home and talked last night AGAIN, told him all I thought about all day is him texting her and he swore on the kids life’s he didn’t, said he did think about it and felt like he wanted to but knows he can’t if he wants to try and make our relationship work(he wants to try and tell me how he is feeling, knows that’s not what I probably want to hear) but I would rather the truth so told him to let me know how he feels, so he kept busy and out all day with our youngest to avoid having free time to text her.

I told him how much it hurts to think of what he said to her when he seems like he has no emotions for me, he said he switched them off a while ago and he feels so empty inside all the time, he doesn’t want to hold my hand all the time (show lots of affection) because he feels he should, he wants it to feel natural. I said you don’t seem to want to fight for this, he said it’s hard he had been feeling so happy being in contact with her and feels down now, knows he totally did all this, says I didn’t do anything, it’s been the situation we have been in (been unhappy in Australia) and he loves me and wants to get back what we once had, I said maybe he would be happier on his own and he said he doesn’t think so, he thinks he would regret not even trying to make things better.

We are having couples counseling on Wednesday and he said it’s going to be hard but let’s see how the next few weeks go, so at the moment that’s what I’m going to do and not make any decisions just yet.

How do I stop feeling this shit !

Thanks for reading my very long post, writing it all out helps.

Minionmomma Mon 02-Dec-19 18:55:01

www.chumplady.com/2015/01/dear-chump-lady-im-due-give-birth-found-sexting/

MumofThree78 Tue 03-Dec-19 06:07:51

Feeling really down again today, was feeling insecure this morning and said to him, I'm just feeling like your still in contact behind my back that you told her you be saying it's over but you don't really mean it and you to are in secret texting mode and u feel bad but you can't stop as she is what's making you happy, he said, ok thanks for telling me, I'm not but accept your feeling that way but no, declarations of reassurance and I'm so sorry. He is just so emotionless, I saw him texting his friend (snooping)saying we are on the verge of breaking up and he is about to lose everything, might as well not be here and I felt so sad. He also said he wouldn't do anything stupid really but just feels so dead inside.

Will counselling help ? I know he needs his own aswell to deal with his depresssion but i need to feel like he has some passion for saving us, he says all the right words but just has no feeling in it.

Don't know what to do.

drcb83 Tue 03-Dec-19 06:16:02

Counselling helped us...and also complete open access. Seems intrusive but it saved us for me to have access to emails and texts and for it to be freely given. After a year or so - gave up the access. He was fine with it as he wanted to make it work. It can work out but he has to be willing to do whatever crazy thing you think you need - and you have to know when it moves from being what you need...to crazy! Good Luck OP!!

Stillfunny Tue 03-Dec-19 06:27:15

Sorry this is happening to you. Almost exactly same to me. It is so horrible, isn't it.
A secret relationship outside if marriage is just not on. And it is hard to see DH being sweet to Ow while you get silence.
What makes these guys think they are entitled to " happiness"
at the expense of their family?
Stupid, selfish bastards.

Minionmomma Tue 03-Dec-19 09:24:17

Did you read the link I posted from the Chumplady website? Please read it. Your emotions are so overwhelming that they can cloud your perspective. I’m so sorry. I am going through a marriage breakdown and it’s knocked me sideways.

Your husband is not the man you thought he was. He has a sense of entitlement that he has prioritised over you, your family, your marriage. That is the bottom line. And when confronted he span another web of lies and continued to prioritise his sense of entitlement over YOU.

TowelNumber42 Tue 03-Dec-19 09:27:16

You are being a mug.

Read chump lady.

Wake up.

Longfacenow Tue 03-Dec-19 09:27:42

Sorry OP. He might have agreed with her beforehand he might have to send a dumping message so she was prepared. He wouldn't want to hurt her because he is invested and cares about her.

Read the chump stuff OP.

MumofThree78 Tue 03-Dec-19 09:29:51

Thanks, I don't know what's happened but I'm just feeling really strong this evening, my sister said to me, stop doing so much snooping, if he is going to do it, he will do it, you will find out eventually and at least you know you have made a total effort and he will loose everything. I realised she is right I'm driving myself crazy trying to find something.

Today I enrolled my youngest into our local school and told him, in case we don't move with you I need to have him registered to start school in January. So I feel like I've taken a step towards an alternative option, we have our first counselling session tomorrow and I'm hoping it will help us talk calmly and him to express himself a bit better, I've realised I want this to work but if he doesn't make me feel like he wants to invest his heart and soul into this, then I will walk away and I will be fine !

MumofThree78 Tue 03-Dec-19 09:33:10

I did read the chump lady link, Only a very small part of it felt relatable to me and on the section asking about the answers of a,bc and not much of the d,e,f I was the opposite, my answers were d,e,f.

But appreciate the post. Thanks

TowelNumber42 Tue 03-Dec-19 09:37:54

Can you get counselling on your own too? You need space to process what he has done to you, without him in the room.

Minionmomma Tue 03-Dec-19 09:40:13

Read the other stuff on the chumplady website. It has been w revelation to me. I look back on my 17 year relationSHIT and realise that I have been feeding the ego of my stbexh for all that time. I allowed that. Your sister is right about the snooping. You can’t stop. And why would you want to? You gonna carry on eating this shit sandwich of a relationship or are you gonna realise that YOU have the power in this scenario. You’re not going to engage in the bullshit ‘pick me pick me’ dance. You’re going to disengage, recognise your worth and kick that schmuck to kerb. He’s a twat and you are fierce.

Minionmomma Tue 03-Dec-19 09:43:06

Be prepared for a rollercoaster of emotions as well. You’ll feel strong one monitor, terrified the next and then deeply sad the next. You’ll be all over the place. So turn to the people who know and love you. Like your sister. Try to be strong and know that you WILL survive this. Just don’t eat the shit sandwich.

MarthasGinYard Tue 03-Dec-19 09:44:06

So sorry Op

He lies to your face

Lies by emission

Lies to himself and probably to her.

This will just be pushed further under stones by him now.

Unless he initiates the counselling I wouldn't engage with it.

Honeyroar Tue 03-Dec-19 09:48:12

I’m sorry but It sounds like he doesn’t want to stop. He’s not stopping it because he wants to be with you, he’s doing it because you found out and he hasn’t found a new way to hide it yet.

MumofThree78 Tue 03-Dec-19 11:01:50

Thanks for all your replies, I am feeling stronger, I know it's going to take work to fix this, but I'm not ready to throw away our life right now before making a try. We have had many years of great times and happiness, we have had a a tough 4 years from a big difficult move to Australia so a few week of texting doesn't warrant for me personally just giving up with out seeing if things can change. Even my sister who knows everything has seen all the message and of course at 1st was the same , LTB but has said after thinking it all through can see how it has happened and understand people make mistakes, she knows us both better then anyone.

But time will tell, might feel differently next week but not today.

Thanks for the advise, I appreciate all your opinions and experienced

ScreamingLadySutch Tue 03-Dec-19 11:07:33

Tell the cousin that it is happening, and that his girlfriend is getting an ego boost from a married man.

MarthasGinYard Tue 03-Dec-19 11:17:33

'people make mistakes'

Just don't think this is one

Caught out, and now finding lengths to deceive further.

I think given the language in his texts there may be more going on here.

ScreamingLadySutch Tue 03-Dec-19 11:21:02

Sorry, thread has moved on I see.

OP, my 2 cents: leave him alone. Don't hold his hand, don't push for connection. Empty inside means just that. This is his stuff he has to sort out. Men are extremely destructive when they are depressed, instead of going in they go OUTSIDE to try and fix it.

I say this because of what he wrote to his friend. He is really depressed and not feeling anything much.

Focus on you and what you need to do, to get your life on track (work, hobbies, sports, friends). Don't rush or force things. It will all pan out the way it is supposed to.

Longfacenow Tue 03-Dec-19 12:28:51

OP.

Ask yourself truly, is he on forums asking for:
Advice about how to support his wife after discovery of infidelity?
Suggestions for books to read about marriage?

Is he working as hard as you?

Thatagain Tue 03-Dec-19 13:10:16

Your dh is cheating with another cheat. REALLY? Have you told your dh cousin's boyfriend? That's what I would do. As for counciling that rarely work's I wouldn't bother. He has ended the relationship in frunt of your face in a manner that you have no choice but to except. Get your dcs together and move on asap before he starts to seriously affect your mental health. Sorry you are going through this difficult time op. Make shure that the outher person knows about his girlfriend as he is in the same situation as you. No one should settle with a cheat.

user1481840227 Tue 03-Dec-19 13:28:30

I personally couldn't get past this, even if he does manage to cut contact now, just knowing that he's pining for her and going through the emotional stages of a break up and loss would make me so upset and sick. People often say that emotional affairs are some of the hardest affairs for the person who is having an affair to get over, because they are riddled with what if's and how it was 'almost' a relationship.

Time might make you feel a bit better, but realistically not many relationships recover after things like this.

TowelNumber42 Tue 03-Dec-19 17:38:57

Sounds like only one of you is working hard to save the relationship. Can't see how that will fix anything tbh.

Mind you, the one not putting in much effort has a back up option for if the marriage fails. He can have you both in competition for him. Nice. Pop a ribbon in your hair and cook his favourite dinner.

MumofThree78 Tue 03-Dec-19 18:31:04

Thanks screaming, that's how I'm feeling at the moment he needs to get his head together and I am focusing on what I want and need to do, as you say what will be, will be.

I know a lot of you couldn't get past this, but I know I can, I cheated on him in the 1st couple of years we dated and I know I didn't do it again, if he hadn't forgiven me we would not have had the great life we have.

My sister said to me, he has been so depressed and feeling dead inside, starts chatting to a friend and it starts to cheer him up and he feels something and starts feeling happy again and then it's gotten out of control. I've seen the messages and the majority of it is general chit chat, tv, movies, sports, it's more since I found out then he is acting like a love sick puppy.

Yes he shouldn't have been getting that spark back with someone else but we had disconnected.

Yes he is pining for her but if we broke up I would be pining for him as it takes time to heal and get past someone you have felt something for, so I understand and he has at least been telling me and not pretending she means nothing, I just said that to her like I read a lot of men do.

In the end, if he start messaging her again, he will get caught and he looses. I already know in my head after dealing with this for 2 weeks that anything continues now and it's over and I will be fine, I'll have my kids, my family and friends and he will have nothing.

We have our 1st counselling session tonight which he said he hopes will be a good start to fixing him and us. I'm a little nervous to what's going to happen but it's been 2 weeks of hell, tears and the silver lining is I've lost a stone ! and I'm feeling a bit stronger like whatever happens I'm going to be ok !

Minionmomma Tue 03-Dec-19 19:01:05

Good luck op. I hope you guys can work it out xx

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