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What do you think of this? Feel like rug pulled

(66 Posts)
tampongate Mon 02-Dec-19 11:23:01

I've been dating someone for 6 months. We both travel a lot so away for periods of time, but things have stepped up in frequency since October (seeing each other most days and staying over 2 nights a week at each other's places.)

While he was travelling last week he called me from abroad in the evening to say hi, that he had been thinking about me a lot, and he was very drunk. While we were talking he said he was looking forward to seeing me the next day and he said that when we see each other and we have sex, he wants me to say (he read it out to me like a script): that I love him, I want to be his and that I want to belong to him forever. He was insistent on it. Saying please, for me, say it to me. This didn't seem odd to me, although we are not saying "I love you" or anything, it's still quite early days, and the other stuff is not the kind of thing I would normally say.

Fast forward to the next day and we spend a nice afternoon and evening, go out for dinner, go back to his and we start having sex. While we are at it, I start saying what he wants me to say. Sex is good and finishes and we hold each other, and he says, "I'm a bit surprised by what you said?" I said "what do you mean?" He said "you know what I mean, all the stuff about love, and being min forvever, it's pretty full on. To be honest, it makes me a bit scared."

I was really tired and a bit drunk myself and got quite upset but couldn't put my finger on why. He said "listen, things are great. You are my girlfriend and we care about each other and we have amazing sex and we love being around each other. But I am not ready to start talking about forever or making big decisions. I hope that's okay?"

when I eventually sobered up and woke up the next morning I was still upset and reminded him that this is what he told me to say. He says he doesn't remember. When I insisted that he did, he tried to brush it off and just said "I suppose I have to stop drinking." Every time I bring it up now he brushes it off quickly, but that conversation has stayed with me.

I feel completely set up and manipulated and a bit embarrassed.

Do you think my reaction is normal? What is he playing at?

AgentJohnson Mon 02-Dec-19 11:28:06

He sounds like a prat but you both need to be sober and to stop trying to have deep and meaningful conversations with a drunk.

tampongate Mon 02-Dec-19 11:35:22

We are not drunk all the time, it's just these two occasions. I don't know if it's a bad reflection of the relationship, or him as a whole. I remember something I have said, even if I have said it while drunk.

Groovinpeanut Mon 02-Dec-19 11:35:44

Next time he's drunk just put the phone to one side and let him ramble.
He sounds a right idiot tbh

OrangeZog Mon 02-Dec-19 11:37:58

It would put me off continuing the relationship. Either he gets so drunk so that he can’t remember his actions or else he does remember and is lying. Neither is an attractive quality to me, especially not this early on.

HollowTalk Mon 02-Dec-19 11:39:50

I would've wanted to slap him over that! I doubt I could have said those words but if I did and got that response, I wouldn't want to see him again.

FizzyGreenWater Mon 02-Dec-19 11:44:33


Ok I have to say that would be really really hard for me to come back from. After 6 months I am almost certain I'd call it a day.

I find it hard to believe people who claim to have no memory of what they said when drunk. I'd find that whole scenario really upsetting and would feel as if I'd been set up, made a fool of. I wouldn't like it at all and it would totally change my opinion of him.

If it WERE genuine and he had no recollection, I'd still dump him. Why? Because if that's what was in the back of his mind, that he wanted you to speak like that, and it came out when drunk but when you actually said things like that he gave you the brush off, I'd think that was quite fucked up. Secretly longing for you to be all over him and lovey dovey but playing gruff (and embarrassing you while doing so) when sober. Nooo thanks. Worse, I'd be thinking that it was just a little alarming anyway to have that scenario as something he would fantasise about (you saying you'd 'belong to him forever' - wtf?!)

Either way, I would feel alarmed, embarrassed, angry and foolish. I would be more than a little suspicious that he could damn well remember what he said and wanted to test me to see if I would 'lay it all out there' for him.

Nope, 6 months in, this would be a bye bye Felipe moment.

Savingshoes Mon 02-Dec-19 11:45:50

Your reaction is normal.
He's playing mind games.

Put him out with the rubbish.

AFairlyHardAvocado Mon 02-Dec-19 11:46:48

What. The. Actual. Fuck.

That is so unbelievably manipulative of him. To be honest it's really fucking weird. Even if he forgot your previous conversation which he didn't then once you explained a normal reaction would be to have said oh shit I don't remember that sorry / argh I was drunk sorry etc. Turning it on you makes me think he's too much of a coward to end things. Sack him off OP.

Techway Mon 02-Dec-19 11:47:15

that I love him, I want to be his and that I want to belong to him forever

Why would you ever say this as not your words? This is the boundary you broke and now you feel understandably manipulated.

Learn from this and it won't be wasted.

I think this man has raised a few red flags by this incident. If you are only after fun then carry on but if you think this is a serious relationship think again.

CatherineOfAragonsPrayerBook Mon 02-Dec-19 12:20:57

Nope. Emotional manipulator. Walk or at least put some emotional distance between you and start getting less available and busy with other things. I see potential professional emotional gaslighter ahead. Getting off creating intimacy, then letting you down and withdrawing...then setting you up again...then moving the goal posts and letting you down....

Carry on if you want to but I suggest keeping your relationship options open.

loserssaywhat Mon 02-Dec-19 12:23:19

Of course he remembered. He sounds like a complete dick.

thenyoushallbegintoclimb Mon 02-Dec-19 12:24:55

It's such an utterly bizarre thing to ask someone to say, not exactly dirty talking is it!
Wonder if this is a form of gas lighting?

TheLittleBrownFox Mon 02-Dec-19 12:34:18

Red flag for gas lighting. Proceed with caution.

PicsInRed Mon 02-Dec-19 13:01:28

That was absolutely intentional. He's a head fuck - putting you on shifting sands, gaslighting you. Crazy making.

He needs to be dumped immediately. Bad 'un.

TimeForNewStart Mon 02-Dec-19 13:08:34

A more normal reaction would be for him to be absolutely mortified that he said that whilst drunk even if he doesn't remember it!

puds11 Mon 02-Dec-19 13:09:30

How did someone dictating what you said to them, which includes telling them you love them, not seem odd to confused

I’d sack him off he’s clearly a manipulative twat.

plumebaby Mon 02-Dec-19 13:11:02

What a prick. Dump for that!

plumebaby Mon 02-Dec-19 13:11:23

and don’t ever let a bloke tell you what to do or say again

HouseworkAvoider10 Mon 02-Dec-19 13:14:36

Total loser.
Move on.

SonataDentata Mon 02-Dec-19 13:28:47

Ugh, I cringed just reading that. I understand why you said it and how manipulated you must feel. He’s either deliberately messing with you or he has an alcohol problem; neither is good.

JaneJeffer Mon 02-Dec-19 14:14:52

Next time tell him you've never loved anyone more, that you want to marry him and be together forever. When he complains about it tell him he told you to say it. Two can play at that game. And then dump him.

Longfacenow Mon 02-Dec-19 14:20:26

I find it quite disconcerting that his reaction to you saying that he asked this of you wasn't embarrassment or a declaration of love. I think there is something manipulative about this.

Don't assume what you talk about drunk is anything meaningful as an aside.

AfterSchoolWorry Mon 02-Dec-19 16:57:58

He set you up OP.

Loveablers Mon 02-Dec-19 17:05:41

How on earth did you agree to that?

And why didn’t you think it was odd?! confused

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