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Husband keeps putting off trying for a baby

(90 Posts)
Biggobyboo Sun 01-Dec-19 22:05:17

We’ve been married for a couple of months. I’m 33. He said before we were married we could start trying for a baby after marriage. Great.

Only he keeps using condoms and saying “not quite yet” when I question it! We’ve had unprotected sex a couple of times though.

He is in the military and we are moving next month. I’m currently a teacher so will be leaving my current school when we move without a job lined up as yet. When we are both working, our joint income is 80k. We have 30k of savings and two properties we rent out. Zero debt. Yet he wants to wait until I have found a job when we move so I can get paid maternity leave and we will be “financially stable.” Ummmm we are already!

My clock is very much ticking but he doesn’t seem bothered at all!

dontalltalkatonce Sun 01-Dec-19 22:07:54

Hate to have to tell you this, but I was married to one of these. And had to divorce him.

category12 Sun 01-Dec-19 22:09:12

You've got plenty of time left on your biological clock.

TheRightHonerable Sun 01-Dec-19 22:10:58

It sounds to me like he’s taunting you with the promise of something he knows you really want. Whilst making you jump through hoops.

You have a job. You’re moving for him/his job. Reply with ‘ok well I’ll just keep my current job so we can TTC now. You don’t mind commuting right? Or you can get a room on your new base 😬

You’re also within your rights to put your pants back on as soon as he reaches for a condom and say ‘not quite yet, maybe tomorrow’ 👍🏻

dontalltalkatonce Sun 01-Dec-19 22:16:11

Actually, at 33, you may not have 'plenty of time' left on your biological clock, particularly if you want more than one. It's known that the chances of having a child with chromosomal abnormality and even conditions like autism are correlated with increased parental age, as are pregnancy complications. I'd go with TheRight's response. Crunch time: 'I'm not buying these excuses anymore. You need to tell me what the real issue is with having kids because I deserve to know.' Take some power back.

Rainbowtheunicorn Sun 01-Dec-19 22:19:13

You've got plenty of time left on your biological clock.

I wouldn’t say at 33 she has plenty of time. It would be more sensible to start trying sooner rather than later.

Bringiton2019 Sun 01-Dec-19 22:19:17

Sounds like the thought of having a baby scares the s**t out of him.

Definitely take some control back, everything you're doing is for him, but what is he doing for you??

dontalltalkatonce Sun 01-Dec-19 22:21:02

I wouldn't settle for his changing the goalposts again. You agreed TTC after marriage, or you wouldn't have married him, now he changes the boundaries? Nope. He has the right to change his mind, but he doesn't have the right to not be 100% honest with you, string you along and expect you to put up with it.

Interestedwoman Sun 01-Dec-19 22:25:09

He's being irritating. Hopefully he'll behave soon. Don't panic, you still have plenty of time. xxxxx

orangeteal Sun 01-Dec-19 22:36:40

That's incredibly frustrating, but I think getting a job first for maternity pay is quite a reasonable expectation. Have you discussed what your plans are long term in terms of childcare/staying home etc?

jarjarjam Sun 01-Dec-19 23:27:27

That’s really frustrating OP I know what it’s like when you want to move on this exciting next phase. have you had a discussion about where he’s coming from and why he feels that way about money? The facts as you’ve set out sound positive but there’s a few issues. You have 30k savings and no debt. You have two properties rented out - do you have mortgages for those? What would happen if a lease on one or both ended and sat empty for a few months? Is he worried about negative equity? Would you ever want to/is it geographically possible due to your respective careers to live in either of those properties as a family home or do you need to think about selling those at some point and buying a family home? Where will you live after the move - rented? Your joint income is £80k but what is it with only him earning and what are your outgoings? (I mean to ask yourself these questions, not to disclose it to me necessarily). I think a discussion to try and understand - to then demolish - his reasoning.

What is your mat leave realistically going to be worth and what proportion is that of your household income? Our joint income is earn 110k gross - I am part time now my so mat leave on my contractual terms over 12 months is probably around 10.5k net. I would have to think carefully about giving that up, but it could be outweighed by other factors. And age is one of them. I had my first child at your age and didn’t feel old at all but I did when it came to thinking about a second child a few years later and wished I had started younger so I was less pressured by time. If you know you only want one, then I would, for security, probably wait until I had a job. But work out how much mat leave is worth and work out the relative value to you compared with the value of starting to TTC right away. It sounds like you guys have worked hard on your finances and have a big nest egg there. It’s meant to bring your options and choices. I’d be tempted to sell at least one of the properties too to realise some more cash. I also would find renting out two properties (and not owning my own after baby arrives) to be a bit stressful. The only other thing is that it’s easier I think to come back from mat leave to a job that is familiar and where you’ve established yourself a bit but it sounds like you’d be working before had the baby in any event.

I think crunch the numbers and have an open, informed discussion. It’s a really scary decision to make and you’ve got married and are moving away within a few months already. But it’s important you both make a decision together.

FizzyGreenWater Mon 02-Dec-19 10:15:33

You have a job. You’re moving for him/his job. Reply with ‘ok well I’ll just keep my current job so we can TTC now. You don’t mind commuting right? Or you can get a room on your new base

This!

And when he starts huffing and puffing, you say 'You know that being married doesn't mean just one person getting what they want out of life, getting to progress in the way they want to, and the other person compromising and waiting and being frustrated, right? I'm quite happy here you know, and if you're going to say no to trying for a baby, which is what I want and what you agreed to, then I'm beginning to fail to see why I'm leaving my job and moving just so you can have things the way YOU want.'

Biggobyboo Mon 02-Dec-19 10:59:05

Thank you for all the comments.

jarjarjam - you gave me lots of food for thought, thanks.

He’s fine with me not working for a while when we move. But then follows that up with, “you know after we have a baby you’ll have to go back to work?” Well I wasn’t planning at being a SAHM (not that there is anything wrong with that) but he’s also happy if I “just” work part time. We also have parental support too for childcare.

He also had no clue about maternity leave and I had to tell him I would be taking a full year off.

My ex partner strung me along for years saying he was “just about to propose” and then I would do something to mess it up! Oh he was a proper gas lighting type. He said he always wanted a family and again, kept putting it off. 3 years after we broke up he’s married to a woman in her late twenties and they have a baby on the way.

I was thinking what I would do if in 6 months time (when I hopefully have a job) he’s still not willing to start trying. At age 34 do I leave and try to start over with no guarantees that I’ll meet anybody else who wants to get married and have a family?

Before we got married, in our first year of dating, he wasn’t sure he wanted children. He then changed to he could “compromise” with one and then that evolved to wanting a little family of our own. I checked that with him after we got engaged too! He knows how important this is to me.

dontalltalkatonce Mon 02-Dec-19 11:22:34

I really feel for you. He doesn't sound flexible or compromising at all. It's his way or the highway. I'd honestly be point blank: you're allowed to change your mind, what's unacceptable is not being 100% honest with me now so I can decide what I need to do to fulfill my needs, too.

I wouldn't give him another 6 months to string me along, tbh, especially as you have a job already.

I'd be prepared to walk but then, I did! I was 30 and that was old enough for me to stop playing games. I had children at 32, 34 and 37.

AgentJohnson Mon 02-Dec-19 11:34:04

He’s leading you on and if you did become pregnant, there’s a great chance that he would view all things child related as your responsibility.

I think you have saddled yourself with a man who doesn’t want to be a parent but doesn’t want the consequences of not wanting to be.

FizzyGreenWater Mon 02-Dec-19 11:48:58

Yes more thoughts on this, I think he's stringing you along. All about him already - never a good sign.

Have you handed in your notice?

I'd be quite tempted to withdraw it and tell him you'd rather get a maternity leave out of your current job. What with your plans for your life being just as important as his, and all. I wonder what he'd say to that?

FizzyGreenWater Mon 02-Dec-19 11:50:36

... and that's a very sensible proposition, by the way.

You want a baby. He wants you to get a mat leave from a job (not un-sensible). You already have a job. He has a new job that will house him, so you don't have to move with him.

Your most sensible option is to stay in your job, get pregnant, then move with him after that.

dontalltalkatonce Mon 02-Dec-19 12:17:58

I'd be considering going it alone, tbh, if he's not willing to stop using condoms.

OrangeZog Mon 02-Dec-19 12:23:09

I’d point out that another job might just offer SMP and that MA, which you would be entitled to if you don’t get another job in the next few years, is virtually the same (just the first six weeks usually differ).

If he then comes up with another excuse I would look at what is more important to do. A baby or a marriage with him which may not include children at all.

Whattodoabout Mon 02-Dec-19 12:35:51

I wouldn’t leave my job for a man who wasn’t sure whether he wanted children or not with me. He’s putting it off because he isn’t ready or doesn’t actually want children but isn’t sure how to tell you.

Longfacenow Mon 02-Dec-19 12:41:03

I'd agree you might not have plenty of time. At 33 my eggs were more like the quality of a 40 year old and I hardly had any left. I only found out as I was part of a trial.

I wonder if he really wants kids?

Biggobyboo Mon 02-Dec-19 13:16:30

Unfortunately, I’ve already handed in my notice as I’m a teacher - and they’ve already recruited a replacement.

For standard maternity pay, I need to have “Twenty-six weeks’ continuous employment with the employer by the 15th week before the EWC.”

For enhanced maternity pay, I need to have “one year’s continuous service at the beginning of the 11th week before the Expected Week of Childbirth (EWC).”

Not really sure what to do now!

MulticolourMophead Mon 02-Dec-19 13:32:44

He’s leading you on and if you did become pregnant, there’s a great chance that he would view all things child related as your responsibility.

I think you have saddled yourself with a man who doesn’t want to be a parent but doesn’t want the consequences of not wanting to be.

OP, I agree nwith this, I think he's leading you on. I don't think he's really changed his mind from that initial "not sure he wanted children" and in fact I believe he's been telling you what you want to hear.

You need to have a proper conversation to agree a proper timescale for TTC. And then if he tries any more being vague, you'll know he really doesn't want kids at all. (Or not with you, seen that scenario often enough.)

dontalltalkatonce Mon 02-Dec-19 13:33:04

Well, I'd ask him point blank, for starters. 'I'm not buying the excuses any more. You have the right to change your mind. What you don't have the right to do is not be 100% honest with me. If you can't do that, I have to take you on face value and your using condoms means you do not want children, and no I'm not buying the 1 year from now, financially stable lark (because you're entitled to MA based on your NI contributions, btw). I need to make decisions in light of that.'

Because you don't *have" to move with him. You can get another job. And you don't have to put up with someone who strings you along by agreeing one thing and then doing another and moving the goalposts.

I wouldn't buy any more excuses, frankly. Actions speak louder than words.

dontalltalkatonce Mon 02-Dec-19 13:44:09

FWIW, after I divorced the prevaricator who kept coming up with excuses I did the exact same thing as you: started a relationship with another bloke who used excuses. My ex h's was always 'not ready' 'not yet' 'next year'. The other bloke was the financial thing (which was not relevant as I could afford children on my own). After that I was done! Anyone who was 'maybe' or 'one day' or compromise with one or anything other than 'Yes, I 100% want kids' was dumped immediately.

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