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My husband and I have just split up and I don’t know what to do

(106 Posts)
morethanalurker Sun 01-Dec-19 16:25:10

It’s my fault. I was drunk and stupidly messaged someone else and he found out. I don’t deserve any support, I deserve a flaming, but I don’t have anyone and I don’t know what to do.

I was an idiot. I was craving attention and I lost my head. No excuse I know. Of course he should walk away, he deserves someone better than me.

Butterymuffin Sun 01-Dec-19 16:27:17

While that's not great, it's also not the most evil thing anyone's ever done. Stupid mistake category. Is there no way back? Has he said it's over for good and gone?

morethanalurker Sun 01-Dec-19 16:35:31

He says he can’t trust me anymore and that he deserves someone better. That it would have gone further than texting (it wouldn’t, but why should he believe me?).

It’s been a tough few years and we’ve been through so much, and I’ve wrecked it over this.

Butterymuffin Sun 01-Dec-19 16:53:22

Maybe this has just tipped him over the edge if you've had a bad time of it for a while. It could still be recoverable once he's had time to calm down. What's the background to the last few years?

strawberrypopsicles Sun 01-Dec-19 16:54:58

I’m sorry. I don’t really have much to say seeing as he’s perfectly within he’s right to want to separate if he feels like he can’t trust you.

Would be perhaps be okay with counselling ?

Kittykat93 Sun 01-Dec-19 17:11:07

What did u say in the message op? He may just be angry at the moment. I guess it depends how bad the messaging was. It's certainly not at the level of a full blown affair in my eyes anyway, although can completely understand it causing immense hurt. I'd give him some time to think.

morethanalurker Sun 01-Dec-19 17:22:24

Just flirting. Nothing explicit. I would say more drunken flirty banter than anything else, although not particularly harmless.

Over the last few years I’ve lost my mum, I’ve had cancer and chemo, it’s just been a rough ride.

I’m not sure about counselling. He seems so happy that he’s leaving me, he’s just going about as normal. Drinking a beer, watching tv. Talking about what he’s having for dinner. I’ve not stopped shaking.

ErickBroch Sun 01-Dec-19 17:27:50

Tbh I don't think he's wrong for leaving. I don't have great advice (but wont hate either) but see if there is anyone you can talk to or think of anything that you enjoy and do that. Even if it's taking yourself off to the cinema to escape your mind.

holly40 Sun 01-Dec-19 17:28:31

Do you have children together? Own / rent a house? You'll need to start thinking logically about all the practicalities of separating. What does he want to do?

fit4more Sun 01-Dec-19 17:31:57

If you’re at the stage of messaging somebody else then there’s a need in you that’s not being met. I’m not saying what you’ve done is right but let’s unpick it a bit. There’s obviously issues in the marriage. If you were happily married you wouldn’t have done it. Maybe it’s actually for the best? Maybe you should let it ride? Get counselling. There’s something missing in your life. You can rebuild your life to be bigger and better. Don’t just cling on because you’re scared to be on your own

strawberrypopsicles Sun 01-Dec-19 17:33:24

@fit4more

Does that apply when a man flirts with a woman or cheats on who’s wife? Is that also because there’s something missing in his life ? Just wanting to check.

strawberrypopsicles Sun 01-Dec-19 17:33:32

His*

morethanalurker Sun 01-Dec-19 17:34:17

I don’t think he’s wrong for leaving. I deserve it. I hate myself.

We don’t have kids no. We have a house. Well I guess technically he does, his name is on the mortgage. But I paid the deposit. He wants to stay in the house until we can sell it. I have to stay here, I don’t have anywhere else to go. I don’t even know how that will work. Do I speak to a solicitor?

morethanalurker Sun 01-Dec-19 17:36:49

@fit4more there’s definitely something wrong with me. I’m going to get counselling. I’m horribly insecure and crave attention. I’m unhappy with myself, I don’t like so much about me. We haven’t had sex in nearly a year. He wouldn’t talk about that either. Feel so horribly unattractive.

I know it’s no excuse, of course it isn’t. There is none.

Span1elsRock Sun 01-Dec-19 17:37:35

If he wants out,there is nothing you can do.

You made a mistake, you're human. No point in beating yourself up over it.

However, if you were happy, you wouldn't have been looking for attention elsewhere drunk or sober.

morethanalurker Sun 01-Dec-19 17:42:06

I just can’t believe I’ve wrecked this. I’m such a stupid idiot. I don’t deserve anyone.

Moonflower12 Sun 01-Dec-19 17:43:18

Did you have a deed of trust etc for the deposit? I'm hoping you did.

Bluerussian Sun 01-Dec-19 17:47:21

You do deserve someone, morethan, you just made a stupid mistake and it was hardly a hanging offence.

If you do split up over this I think he will be using your one off stupid text as an excuse. i can't imagine anyone breaking up a marriage for something like that unless they had been wanting to for a while.

It sounds to me as though you need a good long rest, a relaxing time. You've been through a lot so pamper yourself but if your marriage really does end, make sure you are sorted financially prior to divorce.

All good wishes flowers.

twinnywinny14 Sun 01-Dec-19 17:53:26

It sounds as though he is either looking for a way out or has just jumped to this response. Either way if you are sure that it is over you need to start planning ahead and looking after yourself. If it’s his mortgage then you have no responsibility to continue to pay it, find yourself somewhere to rent and get out. If you paid the deposit then you need to work out how you will get that back when the house sells.

Hopoindown31 Sun 01-Dec-19 17:55:20

Is this the first time this has happened?

Figgygal Sun 01-Dec-19 17:56:10

Sorry op he's looking for a way out and you've given him the perfect opportunity

TheoriginalLEM Sun 01-Dec-19 17:58:35

It sounds like there is quite a back story here. You say you haven't had sex in over a year, why is this?

NoFun21 Sun 01-Dec-19 17:59:24

I don’t think you have wrecked this OP. I think he is using it as an excuse to separate . If he’s not prepared to resolve you issues then that’s not fair on you and he is also guilty of failing the marriage. Like others have said it’s not great texting someone else but it’s not the gravest sin. I think there is more to it on his side.

fit4more Sun 01-Dec-19 18:02:37

@strawberrypopsicles I’m not replying to you because I’m trying to help the OP who has posted. My post is specific to her situation. Not every response is applicable to every situation so reel your head in. If you want to try and make this into one of those sad “would your advice be the same if a bloke did it” things then go ahead but you’re derailing. My reply was based on her info that she’s bereaved and gone through cancer and reading between the lines it’s obvious the marriage is unhappy. Get update says as much. They’ve not had sex in a year and her self confidence is shot to hell. Like I said in my original post, I’m not saying what she did is right but it’s also not cheating is it. A flirty message isn’t the same as shagging somebody. She did wrong and she knows it but my advice to her is to look deeper at why she felt a need to do it. Or we could all just stick the boot in and give her more shit if that’s what you’d prefer. I prefer to try and see the bigger picture and try and help the OP because that’s what she’s asked for. OP I suggest you go get that counselling. You feel really low for a reason and you might not see it now but what you did was a cry for attention that you’re not getting at home. Is your husband truly who you want to be with for the rest of your life? You aren’t having sex and he’s not making you feel cherished/supported during an incredibly difficult time in your life. This could be a good thing because you could rebuild your life to be better and more secure

Zzzz19 Sun 01-Dec-19 18:02:52

He has probably been waiting for an excuse. Now he has got one.

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