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Are these red flags? Advice please.(213 Posts)
...or am I over-analysing things?
I'm trying to work out some things about my (new-ish) relationship. Was single for ages before this and really don't have much experience of men or relationships. I'm 32. I've been googling and reading threads and I just don't know. I'm seeing this guy and for the most part he's very affectionate and we have a nice time but other things make me feel a bit off kilter and I don't know if it's just my imagination or if we're just not suited to each other maybe.
So we usually see each other over the weekend and we plan this in advance but sometimes we see each other on weekdays and this is usually arranged that day or the day before. A while ago he text me in the morning and asked me to go over to his place that night and I agreed and he said he would pick me up after work and drive us to his. I was in work too and at about 11 am I said it would be nice if he picked me up, thanks. He didn't reply again for the whole day and didn't read my message even though I could see he was online. I assumed he was busy and didn't think anything of it. He then called me at the time I thought he'd be at mine to pick me up (6.30 pm) but he said he'd forgotten and accidentally driven most of the way home and he said he could come back and collect me but he didn't sound like he wanted to and then he said I could get the train and he'd pick me up at the train station. I was in such a tizzy that I just agreed because I had to run to catch the train. He lives a 30 minute drive from me and the train is 15 minute walk away and only once an hour and takes 25 mins and doesn't go that close to his place, he still has to drive to collect me.
This is the thing I can't ask anyone IRL. So when he asked me over I'd mentioned I was having my period. He actually clarified that with me later that night. He'd said we could watch a movie and have an early night, which is what we did. Next morning i used his bathroom and toilet - they are separate rooms - and then he went into the toilet and came out and we had this conversation:
Him: is everything okay?
Him: (just stares at me)
Him: there was a drop of blood on the handle in the toilet. (Stare)
Me: oh I'm sorry.
Him: (just stares)
Me: I'm sorry, I don't know what to say.
Me: I'm sorry, I'm really embarrassed.
Me: I'm sorry, I really don't know what to say.
Him: (stares a bit more) it's okay, give me a cuddle before we go out.
I should add that my immediate thought was that he was making it up to show me that he was okay with it or something. I know that seems weird but it was just the feeling I got. I felt like he wasn't telling the truth. My period was really light and I washed my hands and dried them in a small white towel. So thinking over it I just don't see how it happened. But even if I did do it I still think it's strange. It's never happened before. So it's not like I'm always doing it and he had to bring it up because it was an issue.
He's made a good few comments about me splashing water next to the sink when I wash my hands so I'm always really careful and I always check that the sink and the floor and towel are clean after I've used them. He's said things like "if you have trouble washing your hands you can do it in the kitchen instead", to which I said "am I splashing a lot" and he said yes. The thing is he's clean but not overly clean but he's reacted in a strange way a few times, once I almost touched the window in his kitchen and he grabbed my arm and said "I have to clean that". Another time he had spilled something in his kitchen and cleaned it up but it was still sticky and as I was walking into the kitchen he was pointing and telling me not to step in it and I thought I was stepping over it and he was a bit "off" that I stepped on it. He never gets angry with me, I always just feel like I've done something wrong or I'm in the way.
Another example is we were cooking, just throwing stuff together from the fridge and he took out some onions to chop but said they made his eyes water so I offered to do it and he walked off and I chopped the onions. He came back and said "you chopped them like that?" And I said "yes". I was confused for a second because I thought there'd been a recipe or I hadn't heard him say he wanted them chopped a certain way. So he took over then and said "my mum chops them like this" and he chopped them up really fine. It was weird because there wasn't really much of a difference between how I'd done it and how they ended up. I also thought it was weird because he seems a bit resentful of his mum. he told me a few times very early on that he was bullied as a teenager because his mum made him think he was better than other people. He said he'd forgiven her though.
Another time I blew out a candle and he showed me the right way to blow it out so I wouldn't get wax everywhere, but I hadn't gotten wax anywhere and it was my candle in my flat!
Writing this out it all sounds petty, but there have been other things, like deliberately misunderstanding questions I'm asking and communication that goes round in circles and never getting a straight answer so giving up, but not really realising what has happened until later, if you know what I mean. And going quiet when we're together. Once it was lashing rain and he took the umbrella from me and held it up but only over his head so I got soaked. When I said it to him he put it over both our heads for about a minute and then back over his own head so I was soaked again. I mean, he held it right down over his own head so that it was almost touching his head and completely away from me, like I wasn't even there. He also seemed annoyed at me but I hadn't done anything wrong.
There are other things. He compares me to his ex sometimes and it's always in my favour but it always makes me feel a bit crap. He never gives me compliments and it's always our behaviour he's comparing. She was very pretty and he has told me a few times she was a beautiful woman but she was too needy. He also broke up with her suddenly because she was sick and needed a doctor and he stayed out at a party all night and she was by herself and got angry at him when he came home. So he just ended it. He's told me this story a few times and he always says he paid all the mortgage and bills and he let her move in because she had nowhere else to live. It's as if he thinks she shouldn't have ever gotten annoyed at him because of that. He also said he thinks she might have cheated on him because she accused him of cheating and he said she was projecting.
This all sounds so stupid. It's just that i don't know if I'm too sensitive and jealous of the way he talks about his ex.
There have been a few other things and I'm trying to separate it all out but I'd just like to know what people think and if I'm just reading too much into things and I'm too embarrassed to ask anyone.I'd really appreciate any advice or opinions. Thank you.
Definitely! Run for the hills. He's selfish and controlling, sounds like if you stayed with him, it would turn into an abusive relationship for sure!
You don’t sound sensitive. He sounds horrible I’m afraid and I would feel very uncomfortable in his company. The toilet thing sounds very odd and I suspect that you were right that he was lying and trying to shame you. Even the umbrella bit would be enough for me to call it off as it was so blatant.
He sounds hard work and unkind, he wouldn't look after his sick ex.
He has plainly told you he is not kind, it's up to you if you listen
He would be a nightmare to live with as he has shown. Youd never do anything right for him.
These aren't red flags - he's treating you like shit! Can you imagine a future with this guy? Treading on eggshells in case you splash water or chop onions incorrectly? It'll grind you down!
The period thing is well weird...how could blood have got on the handle of the toilet?! And even if it did, his reaction to it was to embarrass and shame you. That's not the action of someone who cares about your feelings.
It sounds as though he's calling all the shots and you are complying. What happens when you disagree with him?
My concern is that you have to ask us, and you can't see for yourself that he is a deeply troubled and abusive man.
It might be a really good idea to do some work on strengthening your boundaries and your sense of what is bad and what is good for you.
The one that stands out to me personally as the biggest red flag is the umbrella thing, that’s just rude!
But the other things, they may be little but he sounds controlling. And it could well escalate into bigger things.
What are the good things you’re getting from the relationship?
If he’s like that over a few splashes by the sink, what’s he going to be like if you have kids and he comes home to toys all over the floor and a nappy that needs changing?
Also, I’m inclined to agree with @Goldenchildsmum
This is bad. Imagine having children with this control freak?!
Bin bin bin bin bin.
He came back and said "you chopped them like that?" And I said "yes". I was confused for a second because I thought there'd been a recipe or I hadn't heard him say he wanted them chopped a certain way. So he took over then and said "my mum chops them like this"
I would think he was being a massive bell end for this alone.
He sounds weird and horrible. He's also not kind - and I think long term that's a really important quality to look for in a partner.
Throw that fish back in the sea.
He 'forgave' his mom for making him think he was better than everyone else?
Didn't stop him thinking he's better than everybody else though, did it?
He sounds like a prick.
He should be on his best behaviour trying to impress and please you but instead he’s nit picking, embarrassing you and quite frankly, being mean to you. Run.
Ugh he sounds awful. Any one of those things I'd have dumped him for! You shouldn't be walking on eggshells and checking yourself all the time. You sound like you feel so uncomfortable around him.
Oh god he's an absolute irritating knob!
Are these red flags? Yes!! Run the hills are that way >>>>>>>>
What the fuck no you need to get away from him now it really will not get better - this is the best you will ever get from this guy and he sounds fucking crazy.
I wonder if he may be On the OCD spectrum? My ex had OCD issues (among others) . It can be extremely difficult to live with someone like that as they can be obsessed by small things like how food is made, where the loo roll is put and a million other things which most people find completely trivial. It is now they are. I left my ex for other reasons but the OCD issues were very frustrating for me and her too...OCD is absolutely not a reason to end the relationship but just be aware of the issues and be realistic in your expectations if indeed OCD is at the root....of course as others have said he may just be a selfish controlling nut and OCD has nothing to do with it.
Writing this out it all sounds petty
It certainly doesn't.
You are describing a controlling and abusive man.
Well done for spotting it OP.
End it. It won't be easy because I've no doubt 'he is always right' and he certainly won't listen to any of your reasoning.
Don't try to reason with him.
A very simple, 'It's not working for me. I'm not feeling it at all' will do the job.
NOW RUN - THE HILLS ARE THAT WAY >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
He sounds very strange and somewhat controlling TBH! If he reacts to the toilet incident badly, imagine what he would be like changing a nappy! Maybe he OCD I dont know ,but something here is clearly "off" !
He’s fucking nuts.
Do not see him again.
I can completely believe that he made up seeing the period blood. It’s like he wants you to be in his debt.
I’d not see him again.
He's a proper dick head and this is going to get worse. End it fast. Your future self will thank you profusely.
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